


Beauty Of the Dark

by LoveofEscapism



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst with a Happy Ending, Ben Solo Needs A Hug, Ben Texts His Dad's Phone Everyday, Bitchzine, Chatting & Messaging, Conflict of Interests, Conflicted Kylo Ren, Deals With Darker Subject Matters, Devoted Reylo, Ethical Dilemmas, Eventual Smut, Eventual Therapist/Client Relationship, F/M, Falling In Love, Five Stages of Grief, Grief/Mourning, Grounding Excercises, Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Kylo Ren Has Issues, Medical Restraints, Mental Health Issues, Mention of Suicide Attempt, Mentions Of Transference, Mentions of Cancer, Miscommunication, Mutual Pining, Older Kylo Ren/Ben Solo, Oral Sex, Panic Attacks, Rey is a Sass Queen, Romance, Spanking, Terminal Illnesses, Therapist Kylo Ren, Virgin Rey (Star Wars), all aboard the pain train, conflicted feelings
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-14
Updated: 2019-10-26
Packaged: 2019-10-28 13:27:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 43,915
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17788256
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LoveofEscapism/pseuds/LoveofEscapism
Summary: “I guess—no, I know—it’s because I drive everyone away,” she stated matter-of-factly, shrugging her shoulders.His left eye twitched for a moment—it was a blink and you’d miss it type of thing—before he composed himself again, his face straight, emotionless.“Can you explain how you drive people away?”“You know how.”Rey Nemo has been ordered to go to therapy after her mental breakdown, but falling for her therapist, the hard, cold and handsome Dr. Kylo Ren was something she never could have expected; neither was the fact that she was also receiving messages from a stranger called Ben who was trying to deal with the grief of his father passing. Can you save someone you’ve never even met? What about if you had met them, but you just didn’t know it… yet.





	1. A Shock Of White

**Author's Note:**

  * For [AlbaStarGazer](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlbaStarGazer/gifts).



> Happy Valentines day to you all. 
> 
> Welcome to my new story, which for once, I have chapters written in advance, so this will be updated every single Thursday for you all. Please read the summary and the tags, this is a little darker than my other fics, but it is very cathartic to me and helping me deal with my grief. I hope you all come along for the ride and enjoy it as much as I have writing it.
> 
> The biggest thanks goes to my two amazing and gorgeous betas [RebelRebel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RebelRebel/pseuds/RebelRebel)  
> and [Ever-so-reylo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ever_So_Reylo/pseuds/Ever-so-reylo)  
> who have held my hand the last few weeks and been my cheerleaders. You two are just the best in the business <3 
> 
> [AlbaStarGazer](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlbaStarGazer/pseuds/AlbaStarGazer)  
> this fic is for you and you know why. Thank you for always being there for me, you have helped me so much over the past six months. Also, you created this gorgeous moodboard, which I am in love with.
> 
> This fic is based on the song "Beauty Of the Dark" by Mads Langer, which I would recommend you listen to, as it is SO beautiful.
> 
> Here we go... super nervous!

 

**Chapter One - A Shock Of White**

 

_ Where is the light in your deep dark room? _

_ A shock of white could save you from your shadow _

_ Why is the dark behind the moon? _

_ Out of reach until the light is shattered _

 

“I guess I blame myself for the fact that everyone always leaves,” Rey said softly, not looking her therapist in the eye as her fingers fumbled with the ends of her scarf. 

Rey Nemo had now been going to therapy for three months, and it was helping—if you consider her only suffering from panic attacks three times a day as progress. Her therapist, Dr. Kylo Ren, would say it was, but in all honesty, she wasn’t sure. 

She  _ had  _ to go to therapy, as in, she had no choice. That’s what happens when you have a complete mental breakdown and are institutionalized for three weeks to ensure you aren’t a harm to yourself or any others around you. Which, most days, Rey wasn’t. 

She would be lying if she said she hadn’t thought about harming herself, that she didn’t think on her worst days that the world really would be a better place without her, that no one would really  _ care _ if she was gone. 

It was false, though. Finn would sure as hell care, so would Poe and Rose. Which, when she felt  _ good _ was easy for her to understand, to see clearly. But, on those days, the darkest, angriest and worst ones, well, reason and reality didn’t matter. She couldn’t see past her own self-hatred to think about how other people felt, all she could see, feel and breathe was her own pain. 

She hadn’t had a day like that in ages now and it was all because of this man in front of her. He had broken down her walls and she was finally comfortable in telling someone how she truly felt. Sure, it was his job, but still, he was bloody good at it. 

“Why do you blame yourself, Rey?” Dr. Ren asked, his glasses resting on his nose as he tapped his pen against his notepad, waiting for her answer. 

Rey wasn’t sure if he knew about that habit of his, she sure as hell wasn't going to tell him. Kylo Ren was  _ all _ business and complete professionalism. Which, to his credit, she appreciated. He treated her like a human being, not like someone he was supposed to ‘fix’ and for that, she was extremely grateful. 

She stared at him, contemplating her answer. It helped, looking at him. He was handsome, gorgeous even, though he clearly was unaware of the fact. He wasn’t married—not that he ever told her any different, she’d just noticed the first time they met, while she’d been in  _ that _ hospital, that he was ringless. It was a strange thing to pick up on, especially under the circumstances she had been in, but she had. 

He was wearing his usual white shirt with the sleeves rolled up, tight against his strong arms. She would be lying if she said she hadn’t thought about him a lot. Not that anything would ever happen between them—she wasn’t completely delusional, despite what her file said. 

“Well, Rey?” He prodded again and she tore her gaze away from his bulging biceps. 

“I guess—no, I  _ know _ —it’s because I drive everyone away,” she stated matter-of-factly, shrugging her shoulders. 

His left eye twitched for a moment—it was a blink and you’d miss it type of thing—before he composed himself again, his face straight, emotionless. 

“Can you explain how you drive people away?”

“You know how.”

She was being a total brat. She knew that, but it didn’t matter. She was tricksy with him sometimes; she didn’t like giving all away at once. Especially when it came to the harder subjects. He had to earn them, and he knew it. 

“Let me see,” he said, flipping through his notes before continuing, “you said you have an inability to let anyone get too close.”

“Exactly.”

“Which is completely untrue,” he countered, his voice deep—hypnotic, even. 

Rey wasn’t taken aback, he disagreed with her nearly every session she had with him. He challenged her, made her see different ways of looking at things. 

“If you say so,” she mumbled, still not quite believing him. 

“No, Rey—I  _ know _ so.”

His deep, dark eyes were staring into her own, and they left absolutely no room for argument. Which was highly unfortunate because Rey loved to answer him back, especially when her replies made him smile, which always made her feel good,  _ warm _ . They made her shitty days, decidedly less... well, shitty. 

“Have you been working on the breathing exercises I gave you last week?”

Rey turned to the clock on the wall, noticing they only had five minutes left, then she wouldn’t see him for another week. Which, was fine, really. It wasn’t like they were even friends. He was her therapist, and at least ten years older than her, and it was clear he had his shit together, which she really didn’t. But, even after all that, she still  _ missed _ him when she was away from him. She felt more on edge, she felt more… alone. 

“Kind of, I mean—they totally work—but it’s just remembering to do them in time, if you know what I mean?” 

She meant it, they did help. He told her to use a grounding exercise whenever she felt one of her panic attacks coming on; she was to focus and name five things she could see, four things she could feel, three things she could hear, two things she could smell and lastly, one thing she could taste. She had yet to make it to the end of the exercise…

“I know it can be hard, Rey. You need to try and learn your early triggers, that way you can be more prepared and start the exercise before it gets past the point of no return.”

She nodded in response. He was right, like always. She guessed that was why he was so good at his job. It made her wonder why he wasn’t working with people who actually had money and could pay for these sessions. Not for people that were so fucked up that they had no choice but to be here, or they would be locked up in a mental health facility. 

A buzzer went off next to him, alerting them to the fact that the session was now over. He pulled his glasses off, placing them on top of his notepad along with his pen. He gave her a soft, reassuring smile. 

“You’re doing amazing, Rey. You’ve come along so well since our first session, remember that, okay?” He stood up, holding his hand out as he always did for her to shake it. 

“I’ll try,” she mumbled, taking his hand, his large fingers wrapping around her own and he squeezed, gently.   


 

“I’ll see you next week? Same time?” He pulled his hand from hers, walking towards his door and opening it for her. 

“Of course, thank you, Dr. Ren.”

“Goodbye, Rey.”

“See you later.”

She walked out his office and she felt it again: the darkness, coldly wrapping itself around her as she made her way down the street, trying hard to ignore it, but like always, failing miserably. 

* * *

  
  


“I got you something, Peanut.”

Rey was about to point out to her roommate and best friend, Finn, that he hadn’t knocked on her bedroom door,  _ again _ , before walking in. She could be doing  _ anything _ in here. Like thinking about her hot therapist and the fact his hands were  _ actually _ that large. 

“What did I say to you about barging in without knocking? I could have had someone in here, you know,” she replied pointedly. 

“Sure… honey, but let’s be honest, ain’t no one gonna be in your room, because, and I say this with nothing but love, that would actually require you to speak to someone that isn’t me, Poe or Rose.”

Finn shrugged, then came to sit on her bed next to her, grabbing a handful of pretzels from the bowl in her hand before she unsuccessfully swatted him away. 

“First you just storm into my room uninvited, then you proceed to totally diss me, and then you dare to steal my pretzels? You are skating on thin ice, Finn,” she joked, because, he was totally right. She didn’t talk to anyone really, and she was fine with it. “Besides, you missed someone off the list.”

Finn huffed, shaking his head as he responded, “your therapist doesn’t count, Peanut.”

“I don’t see why not.”

“Just because you want to fuck him—“

“Hey! I told you that in confidence, and also while drunk, so you were not supposed to remember it.”

“Like I was gonna forget it. Anyway, as I was saying. He doesn’t count.”

“Fine.”

“Fine.”

Rey picked a pretzel out the bowl and threw it at him, both of them laughing. Their relationship was one of the only steady things in her life. She’d met Finn at her last foster home, twelve years ago, both of them becoming fast friends when one of the other boys was picking on him and she had walked over and punched said boy in the face. 

Finn had been with her through everything. He understood her like no one else and she did the same for him. Once they were old enough, they had left the home and moved in together, and then he had met Poe, his now boyfriend. Luckily, Rey loved Poe almost as much as she did Finn. What she didn’t love, though, was the fact that Finn and Poe were now moving into their own place, leaving her alone.  _ Again _ . 

She was happy for them, really, she was. She just hated the thought of being left behind. It wasn’t their fault and it wasn’t like she wasn’t going to still see them all the time—they were only moving around the corner—but it still wouldn’t be the  _ same _ as it was now. She would be alone, her greatest fear. 

“As I was saying before you rudely interrupted me, I got you something!” Finn said excitedly. 

“As long as it’s not another one of those weird foot creams you buy then never use, consider me intrigued.”

She ignored the way Finn looked at her like she had shot Bambi or something, all because she didn’t like the cream he always asked her to try out that inevitably smelled like shit. 

“So, it’s nothing fancy—like, at all—but Poe found it in the lost and found down at the station, totally wiped, and it's prepaid or whatever, so you just need to top it up when you can. Besides, no one’s claimed it for months now, also—well—you don’t have a phone, Rey, and it’s just  _ weird _ and like, not normal so...here,” Finn continued to ramble on, pulling a phone out of his pocket and handing it to her. 

Rey looked down at the small device in her hand. It was in pretty bad shape, scratches all over it with a small crack on the screen. She smiled. For some reason, it reminded her of herself—far from perfect, but still in working order. 

She briefly wondered who had owned the phone before her, based on the fact they hadn’t exactly looked for it, and she took comfort in the fact it wasn’t going to be missed. Luckily, it didn’t have a passcode in place and as Finn said, it was completely wiped, ready for use. 

“Wow. I mean, you know I could never afford—”

“I know,” Finn interrupted, squeezing her shoulder affectionately. 

They didn’t talk about it much, the fact that they were both pretty poor. It wasn’t exactly the happiest of subjects, but they had always found a way to get by, some things a little shadier than others. They both had jobs, nothing that made them more than minimum wage, but it was a steady income all the same. 

“Thank you, Finn. This is great, it means I can speak to you more when you move out next month.” Rey looked down, playing with the phone and trying not to let the tears well in her eyes. 

She didn’t want him to see just how upset she was about the entire thing. She didn’t want to put a dampener on the fact that he was moving on, getting his happy ever after like he deserved. More importantly, she didn’t want anyone else to know how selfish she was, thinking about herself when she should be focused on her friends' happiness. 

“I’ll miss you, Peanut.”

“I’ll miss you too. I’m just so happy for you.”

“You’ll find someone yourself someday, you know that, right?”

Rey laughed, nervously. She liked to hope, to dream that maybe, someday she would find the other half of her soul, but before she could even consider that, she knew she had to sort her own shit out first. 

“Sure.”

“I mean it, I know you think you don’t deserve happiness, but you do. There is someone out there for everyone, I truly believe that.” Finn smiled, leaning over to give her a hug before standing up and walking out of her room. 

Taking a deep breath, Rey tried to calm her spiralling thoughts. She couldn’t help but think that what if there wasn’t someone out there for her? What if she was going to be alone for the rest of her life? Why would someone want to put up with her crazy? They wouldn’t—that was the answer that her brain produced. 

She felt like she was going to suffocate, the panic and deep anxiety starting to crawl up her skin, knowing how to render her useless in a way only it could. 

Rey tried to bring herself back, starting her grounding exercise as Kylo had instructed. 

Name five things she could see. 

Her eyes darted down to the object in her shaky hand. 

“Phone.”

That was one.  _ Good _ , she thought, happy she could name at least one thing. 

Next, she lifted her head, trying to ignore how much it suddenly ached. 

“Dresser.”

She spoke the words out loud. That was another tip of Dr. Ren’s; he said it would help center her—help her focus on something other than the fact she felt like she was drowning, gasping for air. 

“Mirror.”

She was on her feet now, even though they were shaky she wobbled over, staring at her reflection; her forehead was damp, her face pale, her hair limp—she was a mess. 

“Pathetic.”

She cried the last word, it wasn’t exactly an object, but it was something she could see; herself.  _ She _ was pathetic, a joke, a waste of space. 

She was spiralling now, unable to find a fifth thing that she could see as her vision blurred, half due to tears and half due to the fact that her panic attack was now affecting all of her senses. She clawed at her throat, her nails scraping along her skin, the touch keeping her from passing out. 

If she could, she would have laughed; she’d never gotten to four on the list of things she sees, so really, it was a win, even though it currently felt like anything but. Dr. Ren would be happy with her, she was sure of it. 

Her thoughts flickered to him, his deep eyes, large hands, crooked smile… he made her feel warm, less panicky. She could imagine him here with her, talking her through the steps, and she wondered if she would get any further with him by her side. 

But he wasn’t there. No one was. She was alone. Like always. And the pain started all over again, only this time it was worse—all-consuming—as she fell to her knees, lying down, her hot face on the cool, wooden floor while she begged for it to be over. 

_ *bing* _

Rey heard a noise, a sound that came from the device she had left on her bed. It went off again, then again—it wasn’t stopping. 

It started to bring her back down, her thoughts shifting from the panic attack to wondering who would have her number so quickly, who could possibly be messaging her. 

She tried to lift her head several times, taking deep breaths. Inhaling through her nose and out through her mouth. 

Finding out what was on the phone gave her a purpose—a reason to get off the floor. It was all she needed, finally picking herself up as she crawled to the bed, pulling her body up on top of the covers as her hand felt along the material for the small device. 

Pressing the button to light up the screen, an unknown number stared back at her and she didn’t recognise it: having only three people she ever needed to contact, and also due to never owning a phone before now, she knew Finn, Poe, and Rose’s numbers—and this was not from them. 

Her thumb slid across the unlock bar at the bottom of the screen, and she pressed on the one notification advising her she had a text message. 

<(312)749-1940>  

_ Dad, I’m sorry it’s been so long since my last message. I’ve been busy, which is no excuse. Busy and guilty as a mix apparently means I don’t contact you. I guess that’s how it’s always been between us. Doesn’t make things any easier. You’re dead and Mom’s still a mess, though she pretends she’s okay. She has Luke, he’s moved into the house with her. She always wants to talk to me, about you, about everything. She doesn’t understand that I don’t want to. How can I? What can I say? I see how she looks at me, I see the blame in her eyes, the judgment for my actions and I know it’s deserved. I blame myself too, for how I treated you, especially at the end. I’m going to make more of an effort to contact you. Keep you updated on my life. I feel so alone. I love you, Dad. I’m just sorry I didn’t show it. Ben.  _

Rey read the message again, and again, she couldn’t stop, not until she noticed the teardrop fall onto the phone; she was crying. Crying for this person.  _ Ben _ . For the pain that he felt. For the guilt he seemed to carry. A part of her felt her own guilt—she wasn’t supposed to have read this, it was private, meant for whoever owned this phone before her. 

Sadly, she realized the reason why no one had come looking for this phone. Why it had been left in the lost and found for so long, and another wave of tears escaped her eyes.

She thought of the dead; the man who used to type and speak on this very device in her hand and her heart ached for him. But more than that, it ached for his son, the lost soul who seemed to feel just as alone as she did. 

She sat for hours that night, unmoving as she read the message over and over, wishing she could reach out to Ben, letting him know that he wasn’t alone, that she was listening. 

  
  
  



	2. I Can't Sleep...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SURPRISE, I know I said every Thursday, but decided Wednesday suits me better, so here we go, a new chapter a day early. Massive thank you to you all for the kudos/comments/messages... EVERYTHING. I am overwhelmed, this story is just so personal to me and is going to deal with some tough issues, but I appreciate you all for joining this wild ride.
> 
> My two betas [RebelRebel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RebelRebel/pseuds/RebelRebel)  
> and [Ever-so-reylo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ever_So_Reylo/pseuds/Ever-so-reylo)  
> are literally the driving force behind this and are SO HELPFUL IT HURTS. I love you ladies. PLEASE go and check out their stories. 
> 
> Thank you so much to the lovely [Azuwrite](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Azuwrite/pseuds/Azuwrite)  
> for this absolutely stunning moodboad. She even put the message from Ben in it, so if you want to catch up, that's there.
> 
> This and the next chapter is sticking with Rey PoV, but then we are switching over to Kylo which has been... interesting to write. 
> 
> Please read the tags before reading this chapter. 
> 
> Thank you.

 

**Chapter Two - I Can't Sleep... No**

 

_The beauty of the dark, is the beauty of you_

_I dream of dreaming dreams of you,_

_but nightmares always block the view,_

_I can’t sleep… no_

  
  
  


Rey couldn’t sleep.

No matter how much she tossed and turned, nothing was working for her. That message, from someone called _Ben_ , was racing through her mind. After she’d read it, she’d had another panic attack. The hurt she felt, the intense feeling of being so alone, it mirrored whatever he was feeling. The grounding exercise hadn’t worked that time, she’d named the rug in her room out loud and then fell on top of it, not getting up for another half hour, when she was sweaty, weak and just _done_.

She’d been taking her meds, she wasn’t _that_ stupid. They weren’t really helping, though. Two panic attacks in under a few hours was like a new record for her. She felt like she’d taken a step back. She felt like showing up at Dr. Ren’s office tomorrow. He could help, he _always_ helped. Maybe she could use her new phone to see if he would be able to speak with her, she could ask him for help with this… situation.

She hadn’t replied. How could she? She’d thought about it. Finn had let her know he had topped up the phone with some minutes for her, so technically there was nothing really stopping her from replying—except herself.

She’d typed out messages, probably about ten of them.

_Wrong number, who dis?_

Too harsh and frankly, she didn’t get the whole “who dis” thing. It wasn’t funny. Finn found it funny, of course, but Rey, well… it took a lot to make her laugh, to make her smile.

_Sorry about your dead dad. My parents left me in a park in Russell Square, London, where I ended up in the system and moved from pillar to post, different homes every few months, and I turned out fine. Better off without them. Positive vibes, dude._

She’d never deleted a message so fast, based on the fact that fifty percent of it was complete lies. She _was_ sorry his dad was dead. She _had_ been left by her parents and thrown head first into the fucked up foster care system. But then, she _didn’t_ turn out fine. She wasn’t even in the same realm as fine and she was decidedly _not_ better off without them, wishing for most of her life that she had a proper parental figure to turn to. Also, she never sent positive vibes, like _ever_ , because she didn’t know what being positive meant, it wasn’t something that was in her vocabulary. And don’t start her on the fact she had used the word dude...

_At least your mother wants to talk to you, to spend time with you. Mine didn’t give two shits about me, because I’m nothing, no one._

_Way to make it about yourself_ , she’d thought, deleting it just as quickly as the previous one.

_Wanna fuck? You’re sad, I’m sad. Let’s bang this out._

Completely inappropriate and she _really_ needed to bring this up in her next therapy session. She’d laughed, imagining herself telling Dr. Ren about this and the fact that she was very close to propositioning a random man for sex because his dad died and he felt just as alone as she did. She’d probably be institutionalized all over again. 

_Ben, I am so sorry for your loss. I understand, but not in the way that you would think. I never had parents, they left me behind. I never got to know them like you got to know your dad. Cherish your memories. I am sure your mother doesn’t blame you, she probably just feels as alone as you do, as I do. This is not your fault. I can tell you’re not a bad person, maybe just misplaced, like most of us. I am sure that your father loved you. Find peace, for him and for yourself. Rey._

It was the best out of a bad bunch, but she never sent it. As much as she wanted to, she didn’t owe this guy anything, and she certainly wasn’t in the right mental state to start getting involved when she didn’t even have her own shit sorted out.

Instead, she lay in bed, trying to sleep, but thinking about this poor, lost soul, much like her own. She was sure it made her a bad person, but it made her feel slightly better that there was someone else out there that was struggling as much as she was. It was horrible, selfish and part of the reason why she was so fucked up, but it made her feel better all the same.

She wasn’t insensitive, she wasn’t without feeling. She _did_ feel bad for this Ben person: loss in any form is something that haunts you. She understood his anger and the fact he thought it was his fault. That’s exactly how she thinks every day, why else would her parents have left her in the middle of a park? She wasn’t enough, never enough. She must have done something, been a terrible child. She sometimes wondered if she was like the kid Damien from that horror movie The Omen and they were maybe just shit scared of her. She just wanted to know. She wanted answers and clearly, so did Ben. 

She picked the phone off of her nightstand again, reading the message for what felt like the hundredth time. Rey thought about this man, Ben, about whoever his father was, his mother, the other guy called Luke. She tried to put the pieces together in her head, thinking up different scenarios. It didn’t seem like they had been a close family, there were definitely _issues_ there. Ben had said he wasn’t there in the end, and she wondered where he had been, what had caused the rift in the first place. 

She threw the phone back down, shaking her head at how ridiculous and worked up she was being over a text from a stranger. It didn’t matter. She would delete it, forget about it and she would sleep.

She snuggled back down, pulling the comforter so it was now surrounding her neck. She breathed out, in and out, anchoring herself to her body as she worked herself down from her racing mind.

She could do this, she could forget, she could sleep.

Except, she didn’t. Instead, she lay awake, all night, only realizing she had done so when she heard Finn’s alarm go off in the other room. Insomnia was a bitch, but so was she.

 

* * *

  
Rey sat tinkering with the old radio in her hands; she fixed things for a living, junk mostly, which was highly ironic based on the fact she could fix everything but herself.

She didn’t make a lot of money, but that was nothing new to her. She enjoyed her job, enjoyed the feeling of her hands constantly moving, and she knew why; she fidgeted—a lot. More than a normal person did and people picked up on it. So, it always helped when she had something in her hands to distract her.

She worked for a piece of shit called Unkar Plutt, or The Blob, as she referred to him. He was a greasy, fat, creepy fuck and she hated him, but he helped her pay her bills, and didn’t ask _too_ many questions about the fact she was off work due to being held at the hospital, only because he didn’t really care, just like most other people in her life. It didn’t bother her, it made her life easier, in fact. 

“You done with that, girl?” The Blob asked her, his voice thick as he coughed, wrenching, probably because he’d drunk like a fish the night before.

She wasn’t the only one with issues. In fact, the more she paid attention to people, the more she realised that human beings, in general, were mostly pretty fucked up, like they were all programmed that way.

“Ten minutes, then it’s all yours.”

He grunted, clearly not happy about having to wait, and trudged back out of the workshop. He’d sell this out of the storefront at probably triple what he paid for it, not that she would see any of the profit.

Feeling vindictive, she put her tools down, then picked up her phone. She’d barely had it twenty-four hours but still found herself wondering how she’d ever lived without it before. She didn’t do Facebook, Instagram or any of that shit. Why would she? She would have three friends and only post weird photos of her workshop. It would be pointless and a complete waste of her time.

She didn’t like the phone for that, she liked it for Ben’s text message, the one she had vowed to delete but had never actually gotten round to. Instead, she read it over and over, feeling weirdly connected to this guy for some strange, obscure reason that she couldn’t really pinpoint.

He hadn’t messaged again, and she knew he wasn’t exactly expecting a reply. It would probably freak him the fuck out. She didn’t know why, but she wanted him to message again, she wanted to know _more_. 

It hadn't even been twenty-four hours and she really needed to get a grip.

Rey could tell she was starting to obsess over this, and that was never a good sign. She may have struggled with her mental health, but she knew her triggers like the back of her hand; it just always hinged on whether she decided to listen to them or not.

And on this occasion, she ignored them entirely.

She read the message once more before placing her new phone back down and getting back to work, her mind drifting to her therapist and the fact she had lots to tell him on Thursday. It was still six days away, which was insanely long, and she already missed him. She knew it was weird; he was her therapist, and that made things _messy_. 

It didn’t stop her from thinking about how he furrowed his brow when she said things he didn’t exactly agree with, or how he chuckled when she made one of her usual rude comments. She thought about how intensely he stared at her like he could see into her soul, see all her deepest, darkest secrets—and that they didn’t scare him, that he got it, got _her_. 

Which, she knew she was probably completely reaching, it hadn’t been the first time she’d done so. She saw the world differently, perhaps—at least that’s what she told herself.

Still, seeing him on a weekly basis was helping her. She felt lucky that she’d been assigned to him. She didn’t know what she’d done to deserve it, but she wasn’t going to question it.

She wondered what he would think about this whole messaging business. He’d probably tell her to delete and ignore, to stop focusing on it as much as she was and he’d be right. He always was.

“Will you hurry up!”

Rey jumped, The Blob’s loud voice startling her and causing her to drop the radio she was working on—the device smacking the hard concrete floor.

“Fuck,” she muttered, bending down to pick it back up and grimacing when she noticed a dent now on the side of it.

“What have you done, girl?” He was watching her from the door; he’d seen the whole thing, and by the way his face was growing redder and redder by the second, he was not happy.

“Technically, it was your fault for shouting at me in the first place. I told you I’d be ten minutes.”

She didn’t normally speak back to him, as she preferred any interactions between them to be kept to a minimum. But she’d had no sleep, and she’d been working on this radio for a while, so naturally she was just as pissed as him.

“I should fire you, good for nothing little bitch.”

She pretended the words didn’t hurt. She shouldn’t care what he thought, she shouldn’t believe him—but she did.

“Then fire me. Good luck getting someone to do all the work I do for minimum fucking wage!” It was the only thing she could bargain with; the fact that he got a pretty good deal with her working here.

She watched as his face turned from contorted rage to completely resigned at the knowledge she was right, that he didn’t really have a leg to stand on and he was bloody lucky to have her around.

“Whatever, just fix that up and be quick about it!”

He turned around and she could hear him mumbling under his breath about how much he hated her. Well, the feeling was mutual. He reminded her of an old foster parent she had had back in London; drunk, unreliable and all around a complete and utter prick.

She could feel her hand start to shake and she cursed, not wanting this to happen now, not here, not when Plutt was next door and would inevitably find her lying on the floor rocking back and forth.

Instead of starting her grounding exercise, she lunged for the phone, scrolling to find the message that had been haunting her as she read over the words that were already etched into her brain.

She started to calm, to feel less alone, clenching her fist as the shaking started to subside… it was fucked up that this worked, it was triggering her and helping her at the same time.

An enigma.

 

* * *

  


“You look tired, babe,” Poe commented, looking Rey up and down and sighing softly.

She hadn’t looked in a mirror all day—she hadn’t wanted to—completely aware that she was a mess. No sleep and an overtired brain was never a good look on anyone. Besides, Rey wasn’t exactly a makeup person, so she was unable to cover up the fact she had dark circles under her eyes.

“Kinda happens when you don’t sleep,” she replied, walking into his open arms and accepting the hug he was offering.

Poe was kind, caring and she honestly couldn’t have picked a better match for Finn herself. He was a cop, had been in the force a few years and for the most part, he kept them out of trouble.

“Really? I thought that was getting better?”

“It was.”

She didn’t elaborate.

“And now it’s not?”

He was fishing.

“Yes.”

She could play this game.

“Because?”

“Because–“

She was going to tell him. Tell him that she had received a text from a stranger and now she couldn’t stop thinking about it.

“–because I kept thinking about something I had to fix at work, this old radio, and well, I couldn’t sleep till I got my hands on it.”

Instead, she lied through her teeth. Poe seemed to accept what she said, why wouldn’t he? And then continued to let her know that Finn would be late tonight after picking up an extra shift and that she _really_ should be getting some rest. 

She nodded in response, refusing when he asked if she wanted some dinner—she didn’t—and then mumbled that she was going to her room, to sleep.

Except, she didn’t. Instead, she lay on her bed, wondering why she had lied to Poe. She told him everything. She had nothing to be ashamed of, it was just a text.

It had been on the tip of her tongue but she hadn’t wanted to go any further. Maybe it was because if she actually said the words out loud she would have to make a decision about what she did about it. For some reason, leaving the message in her inbox, unanswered, gave her _options_. 

And she didn’t have a lot of those.

She decided to message Rose, inviting her up for their usual movie marathon on Sunday, to which she instantly replied, pretending to be hurt that Rey even had to ask. That made her happy, that her friend was there, wanted to spend time with her. It felt good and she liked having a stable plan in place.

Rey was still getting used to her phone. She wasn’t sure how all these apps worked, she’d deleted half of them that Finn had tried to sneak onto her phone. Why did she need a weather app when she could just look outside? She’d been just fine without it up until now.

The only app she was actually interested in was iBooks. Rey loved to read, to escape into another world for a few hours and leave all her problems behind. She would still buy books, but looking over at her small cabinet at the side of her room, it was overflowing, so having them on this small device would definitely help.

It also saved her from carrying around a book with her all the time. She winced, thinking back to the time she dropped her copy of _One Day_ by David Nicholls into a large puddle, ruining it. She’d cried that day, a lot. It was one of her favorite stories and she had loved how _used_ and _loved_ her book had been. Rey has tried to dry it out, for days thinking up different ways she could save it. In the end, she hadn’t managed to. It was a lost cause and the start of her spiral into a complete mental breakdown. 

She’d bought _One Day_ on her phone this morning, starting on chapter one on her lunch break to stop her from thinking about the text. It had worked, for a while. She clicked the iBook app again, she was now on chapter three and was swept up in that world all over again until her eyes became heavy, opening and shutting until she dropped the phone and fell into a deep, dreamless sleep. 

_*bing*_

Rey groaned, a loud sound next to her ear waking her up from her sleep. She noted that the next night she really needed to remember to change the phone to vibrate before going to sleep.

She rubbed the sleep out of her eyes and picked up the device, the bright light shining into her face.

It was a text message, at 03.24am. From _him._

_ <(312)749-1940>   _

_Dad, it’s me again. I told you I’d keep in touch and to be honest, I can’t sleep. Every time I close my eyes I see your face, and the last time we saw each other replays over and over in my mind. You punched me that day and I deserved it. It clearly wasn’t hard enough to knock some sense into me. I hurt you, Mom, Luke...everyone. It’s always been my thing, hasn’t it? Hurting people, especially the ones that love me the most. You told me I needed to grow up and I’m trying. I really am. I don’t drink anymore, haven’t since you died, so I guess that’s one good thing that came out of it. You were right when you said it was ruining me. It was, but I enjoyed it too much, how numb it made me feel. Being sober isn’t nearly as fun, but it’s working. I miss you, every day._

_Ben._

Rey sat up in her bed, switching on her bedside lap as she began reading over the message again—she wasn’t getting any sleep and she needed to talk to her therapist about this, tomorrow.

  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The messages continue... and will NOT be stopping any time soon.
> 
> Please leave me some kudos/comments to let me know what you think. I loved chatting to you all about the last chapter.
> 
> Feel free to come find me on twitter @LEscapism <3 
> 
> Happy hump day lovely people <3


	3. Beauty Wouldn't Be So Cruel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey calls Dr. Ren's office about her problem and then finally she responds to that message.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First up, I want to say the biggest thank you. The comments I am getting for this story are seriously amazing and I am enjoying talking to you all and opening up to one another <3 THIS is what this story is about. I can't tell you what it means to me.
> 
> I need to say the biggest thank you to my two betas [RebelRebel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RebelRebel/pseuds/RebelRebel)  
> and [Ever-so-reylo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ever_So_Reylo/pseuds/Ever-so-reylo)  
> who I love more than life itself. They are AMAZING, supporting me so much with this fic and I just want to fly over and hug you both. 
> 
> [Azuwrite](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Azuwrite/pseuds/Azuwrite)  
> made me another gorgeous moodboard. I LOVE it. You are so good to me <3
> 
> This is the last Rey PoV before we switch to Kylo and see what is going on with him. As usual, please mind the tags.

 

**Chapter Three**

 

 _The ugly things I do_  
_for beauty_  
_If you could see what's real in me_ _  
_ Then maybe beauty wouldn't be so cruel

 

****** **

Rey was nervous. She’d never called Dr. Ren’s clinic for an emergency appointment before; she hadn’t had to. Well, that was a lie—she had—but it had never been _this_ bad before. She was spiraling, and all because she couldn’t make a decision on what to do about these messages.

She wanted to reply. She could feel her fingers itch to let the person, Ben, know that she understood how he felt. That she could empathize with how alone he was, how his guilt was consuming him. But, she also didn’t want to insert herself into a situation that would be a detriment to her mental health.

Dr. Ren had told her that she had to work on putting herself first, make sure she was giving herself the self-care she needed. Which so far had been hard. Rey was naturally a kind person, she wanted to help people, even if it was at the cost of herself. In therapy they’d talked about her need to people-please, and quickly came to the conclusion it was because, in her head, she believed that the nicer she was to people, the harder it would be for them to leave her.

She’d been proved wrong, of course, on many occasions, but it was a hard cycle to break. Dr. Ren worried that people took advantage of her. Which, they had. Not in a sexual way, or anything like that. For all the bravado she put on, she was still a virgin. Never being able to get close enough to another person to give it up.

At twenty-two, she knew she was one of the last of the virgins her age. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to, or that she wasn’t a sexual person. One look at Dr. Ren all but confirmed she was, but her virginity was something that for the life of her, she hadn’t been able to give away.

Her medication also hadn’t helped; they basically killed her libido, and she’d struggled for months to orgasm—the only time she’d been able to, thinking of her therapist’s large hands and wondering just how thick his cock would be.

 _I really need to sort out my shit,_ she thought, shaking her head at these weird feelings she had for him. She needed to put that aside and remind herself he was her therapist, and today she needed him to help her.

“Good morning, this is Rey Nemo. I’m a patient of Dr. Ren’s. I have weekly appointments with him on Thursdays, but I wanted to see if I could set up an emergency appointment with him today, please.”

“Can you hold the line while I check his schedule please, Miss Nemo?” the snotty receptionist answered.

Rey did _not_ like her. Whenever Rey went into the clinic, the receptionist, Batine or Bazine—or something equally ridiculous—would look her up and down, turning up her nose at her ratty clothes. Which was fine, but Rey decided pretty quickly that she was a bitch.

She silently mimicked her speaking as she held the phone to her ear, because, she was super mature and all that.

Not even ten seconds later, the woman came back on the phone and Rey rolled her eyes—she hadn’t checked shit.

“I’m sorry, I’m afraid he is fully booked today.”

“Okay, but can you let him know who’s calling? Can I speak to him even, just for a few minutes? I need help,” Rey said softly, giving this woman more information than she wanted to. She didn’t want to sound as pathetic as she knew she did.

“I’m afraid he has no time for phone consultations today. Like I said, he is fully booked.”

 _I am so going to steal all the mints from her bowl when I’m there on Thursday,_ Rey thought angrily.

She didn’t understand why the woman wouldn’t put her through to him, or at least give her some sort of solution.

“Really? I’m only asking for a few min—”

“Miss Nemo, I told you, he doesn’t have time, now—wait, hold the line.” ******  
** ** **

Rey could hear Dr. Ren’s stern voice in the background before she was put back on hold. Had he heard her name? Was he going to speak to her? Would he be angry she had phoned him? He’d always said to phone the office if she needed extra help… ******  
** ** **

“I’m sorry, Miss Nemo. I will put you through to him now.” ******  
** ** **

Bitchine didn’t sound happy, but Rey couldn’t care less. She was going to get to speak to him, to sort this issue out and be able to move on.  ******  
** ** **

She held on a few minutes, the annoying music playing on repeat as she waited for him to speak.  ******  
** ** **

“Rey, are you okay?” Dr. Ren’s deep voice came over the phone, making goosebumps instantly appear up and down her arms.  ******  
** ** **

He sounded slightly panicked and out of breath, and Rey felt bad that her call had probably interrupted something important. She was wasting his time, she could feel it.  ******  
** ** **

“I’m sorry, I know you’re really busy and—” ******  
** ** **

“‘No,” he quickly interrupted, “you can always call me here. Whenever. It’s no problem, okay?” ******  
** ** **

Rey knew he was just being polite, probably scared that she would have a breakdown if he told her the truth. Still, she took comfort in his words, feeling that little bit more confident about the situation.  ******  
** ** **

“Thank you,” she stuttered, not really knowing how else to answer.  ******  
** ** **

“How can I help you, Rey? Has something happened?” ******  
** ** **

She could imagine him right now; the phone to his ear as he tapped his pen against his notebook, his brow furrowed in concern. She wondered what color of shirt he was wearing today. It was a Saturday, did that mean he dressed down? She wanted to know, but it would be more than inappropriate to ask him that.  ******  
** ** **

She would like to see him in more casual clothing, knowing literally anything would suit him. He could be wearing a unicorn onesie or something, and he’d still be a complete snack. That was just a fact.  ******  
** ** **

“Yes. I know it’s not our usual day. I am just struggling with something and it’s kind of making me spiral. Like, it’s not so much the situation that is making me freak out, but the fact I can’t seem to make a decision on it. I’m stuck in between liking that I haven’t, because of control reasons, but then also, because I haven’t made a decision, it’s annoying me. I don’t think I’m making any sense and I know I’m rambling—I’m sorry.” ******  
** ** **

Rey bit her nails nervously. She was aware she sounded ridiculous, and he didn’t speak for a few seconds, clearly taking in and processing what she was saying. She liked that, the fact that he _actually_ listened.   ******  
** ** **

He took a deep breath on the other side of the line, and she _needed_ to know what he was thinking.   ******  
** ** **

“Firstly, Rey, you need to stop saying sorry. We spoke about this. You can’t automatically assume your actions need to be apologized for—they don’t. Secondly, I understand completely what you are saying and I hope you are proud of yourself for being able to analyze your feelings well enough to know you had to call me.”  ******  
** ** **

She imagined a small smile gracing his handsome face. Not a full blown one, never a full blown one. Though she would get one from him someday, she was sure of it.  ******  
** ** **

“Thank you.” ******  
** ** **

“You don’t need to thank me. This was all _you_ . Now, tell me what has you spiraling and we can try and work it back,” he said softly, the thoughtfulness of his tone striking her as borderline endearing. It made her feel warm.   ******  
** ** **

“It’s a strange thing. I um, it will sound silly—” ******  
** ** **

Now that Rey was actually talking to him she didn’t know where to start. The whole thing sounded ridiculous. It did. Even she knew that. She quickly decided to tell him the gist of it, not all the details, but the general idea. A part of her worried he would say this was too much for her. Besides, as much as she wanted to be as open with him as possible for the sake of her therapy and because she respected him, she still felt like this whole thing was personal, one of the most personal things she’d ever experienced.  ******  
** ** **

“It won’t, and you don’t _have_ to tell me if you don’t want to.”  ******  
** ** **

“No—I want to. Someone, a _friend_ , I guess, though not really, has reached out about an issue in their life, something they are struggling with, and I don’t know if getting involved is a good idea or not,” she replied.   ******  
** ** **

Okay, it wasn’t really anywhere near the truth. Ben wasn’t her friend, he didn’t even know of her existence. Was it crazy that she saw him as one? As a kindred spirit? _Probably_ , she thought.   ******  
** ** **

“Vague, but we can work with this. First question, is it the issue they are struggling with that triggers you?” ******  
** ** **

That was a good question, and luckily she had already thought this through.  ******  
** ** **

“No. It’s, um—something I’ve never experienced before.” ******  
** ** **

“Sexual?” ******  
** ** **

Rey nearly choked on her tongue. Dr. Ren knew she was a virgin. It had come up in one of her therapy sessions, and after she had turned bright red she’d finally shared the news. He hadn’t really reacted, only nodding and taking down a few notes.  ******  
** ** **

She remembered in that moment she had wished she was a fly on the wall, that she could peer over and see what he had written. What could he possibly have to say about it?  ******  
** ** **

_Crazy, but hymen intact._ ******  
** ** **

_Virgin at twenty-two, interesting._ ******  
** ** **

When he hadn’t said anything, she’d been so close to propositioning him. But, it was that sort of behaviour that got her in trouble all the time. It was that sort of nonsense she had to stop.  ******  
** ** **

“No. Though, I was close to offering him sex to make him feel better—so, there’s that,” she replied, laughter in her voice. Except, she wasn’t joking, because she had. She’d typed out the message.  ******  
** ** **

“You would have regretted that.” ******  
** ** **

His voice was stern, not to a point where she felt like she was in trouble, but enough to make her sit up and listen.  ******  
** ** **

“I regret a lot of things, and still do them.” ******  
** ** **

“Yes, but we’re working on that,” he countered.  ******  
** ** **

“We are.” ******  
** ** **

He coughed, clearing his throat and decidedly moving the conversation away from her non-existent sex life.  ******  
** ** **

“Okay, so the actual issue isn’t triggering you. Which, I think is a positive. In your mind, have you made a decision about what you want to do?” ******  
** ** **

“Yes,” she replied instantly, suddenly realizing _just_ how made up her mind up was about the whole thing.   ******  
** ** **

“Which is?” ******  
** ** **

“I want to respond. I just—I don’t—I just am not sure if it’s the _healthy_ thing to do. This person, they are struggling, like me and I want to help—be there for them, because they seem like they are alone and—I know how that feels,” she rambled, for what felt like the tenth time in the last five minutes.   ******  
** ** **

There was something jarring about not seeing his face, his reactions. It made her feel more exposed, and she couldn’t quite explain why.  ******  
** ** **

“I see,” was all he replied with. ******  
** ** **

“See what?” Rey questioned.  ******  
** ** **

“You are going to help them.” ******  
** ** **

It was a statement, solid and true.  ******  
** ** **

“I am?” ******  
** ** **

“Yes, I mean, your mind was already made before you phoned, Rey. You just needed someone to agree with you. That’s why you were spiraling; because this is a big deal to you and you don’t trust your own judgement enough to make these decisions.” ******  
** ** **

He made a lot of sense, but to be fair, he always did. Dr. Ren could truly read her like a book. Sometimes she wondered if he knew her better than she knew herself. ******  
** ** **

_Probably_.

Rey took a deep breath as she went over the information he had just given her. He was right; her mind had subconsciously already been made up as soon as she’d received the first message. She knew what it felt like to be alone, to blame yourself for things that were out of your control. Like Ben did for his father’s death. She couldn’t let him carry that burden alone.

“Because, what if it’s the wrong choice?” she whispered. Finally, the true reason bubbled to the surface.

“So what if it is?” he asked, surprising her and making her _think_.

“I mean, who am I to give advice?”

“You are well within your right to give advice, to be there for a friend; as long as you are doing it in a healthy way. Not offering them your virginity to make them feel better, but actually being there for them, to give your opinion as their peer and let them know they have someone on their side. What is wrong with that? You have as much right to an opinion on any subject as any other person. Remember that, Rey. Just because you struggle with your mental health, it doesn’t mean you aren’t capable of being a good friend to others. However, if at any point you _do_ feel triggered, you know what to do, yes?”

Dr. Ren’s voice was commanding—without meaning to be-—all-consuming, and the best part of it was, she believed him. He made her realize just how much she didn’t trust her own judgement, didn’t think she had the same options as other people.

He continued when she didn't answer straight away. “You worry that different choices you make are going to affect your mental health, affect your progress, and the fact that you do that just proves how far you have come. Had this been a few months ago you would have jumped in and done whatever you wanted, head first, without thinking about the consequences and now, well, now you are carefully thinking things through. But you need to be careful, Rey, you can’t overthink _everything_. We need to find that nice, easy balance between the two.”

“Balance,” she repeated, testing the word out.

She started pulling threads on her comforter, the phone still wedged in between her head and the pillow. She tried the word out a few times, and he let her.

Her eyes were screwed as she tried to think back to a time she’d had some sort of balance, stability in her life, and she came up short. In all honesty, with Rey, it had been one mess after the other. Until that was the only way she knew how to live her life; until she ended up causing the messes herself. It was all she knew.  ******  
** ** **

“We will work on it, Rey. I know that you are going to get through this. I believe in you, we just need you to believe in yourself.” ******  
** ** **

He was speaking to her softer now, his therapist's voice starting to ebb away to a point where she didn’t see him as one, which, of course, was very dangerous. It was in these moments, the ones where she saw him as her equal, that she ended up saying stupid things.  ******  
** ** **

“Do you believe in fate?” ******  
** ** **

It was out of the blue and not in response to his question, but she’d wanted to know what he thought about it since the moment she’d received that text.  ******  
** ** **

The whole thing _had_ felt like fate. Like Rey was meant to get that old phone from Finn, that she was supposed to receive a text from a soul that seemed just as lost as she was, that she was supposed to answer.   ******  
** ** **

“If you had asked me that six months ago I probably would have said no, but now, yes I do. Do you?” ******  
** ** **

“I do.”

****** **

* * *

 

Rey stayed in her room for most of the day, thinking over and over about her conversation with Dr. Ren. She felt so much better about the entire situation. She felt confident—like she could _really_ do this.

She just had to figure out what to say. She wondered if she should wait to see if he’d message her again. It would probably be better if she did. Instead of just randomly dropping in after so many hours. 

 _Yes_ , she thought. She would wait. 

Her fingers twitched, but she stopped herself, instead texting Finn to say that she hoped he would have a good night at Poe’s and that she would see him in the morning. 

She didn’t like when he was away, which was highly ironic based on the fact he was moving out soon. Being alone, even though she was used to it, still wasn’t something she particularly enjoyed. 

It wasn’t that she couldn’t handle being on her own, because she could. It was more the fact that she didn’t have human contact, that she wasn’t able to talk to someone about how she was feeling, or any of the fucked up thoughts that were filtering through her brain.

It was when she was alone that the evil voices started to become even louder in her head, whispering things about how she wasn’t good enough, how she would always be alone, how she was _nothing_. The silence also made it even easier for her to listen to them. 

She could feel it; the pull to the darkness as her breathing started to get deeper, and knowing what was about to happen she began her grounding exercise straight away. 

Name five things she could see. 

“Phone.” 

She looked at it, thinking how this small device had changed so much for her in just a few days. If Finn had never given it to her, then she never would have been in this situation. Still, she was glad that she was, no matter how triggering it seemed to be. 

“Bed.”

She bounced on it a few times, looking down at her comforter. It wasn’t the comfiest bed, but it was all she could afford, and she’d always loved that she could call something her own. 

“Hairbrush.”

She looked at the object on her nightstand, her hair matted into the bristles. She really needed to clean it. It made her itch thinking about the dead hair that covered it. Rey liked things to be clean, and this one hairbrush was causing her to spiral more. 

She stood up on shaky legs, walking out of her bedroom door and along the hallway to the bathroom. She needed some of her medication, she needed to feel—nothing, numb. 

“Prescription bottle.”

She picked up the small, orange bottle, unscrewing the lid and taking two of the tablets along with some water from the sink, swallowing them both at the same time. She felt instantly better—placebo effect, it was known as.

Rey realized she had one last thing on the list she had to name. Looking around the bathroom, she tried to concentrate on one item, struggling to focus her watery gaze. 

She felt weak at the fact that she had to run to medication in any moment of distress, the fact that she had to do these stupid exercises in the first place. The fact that she was _this_.

“A fucking joke,” she said, looking in the mirror. 

There, she was done, five things she could see. 

 _What is next on the list,_ she thought, unable to remember if it was things she could feel or things she could smell. 

“Fuck!” She screamed, fumbling back to her bedroom to try and find her exercise sheets. 

She had to remember to keep a copy close by. Rey had never been good at remembering things. Especially when she was in this panicked state. She was emptying out all her drawers; paper thrown around her room and it was a mess—just like her. 

Tears were now fully falling down her face, but luckily her meds were starting to kick in, her breathing steadying. She turned the light off in her room, needing to be in complete darkness as she lay down on her bed, on top of the paper and rubbish she had thrown on it and she slowly rocked back and forth. 

_It will pass._

_You can do this._

_This does not define you._

She was okay, she had made it. She always did—well, except that _one_ time that she still could hardly think about. It had taken her a good hour, but she was still here, rocking back and forth, the movement calming her. 

Once she felt that she could lift her head, she searched for her phone, finally finding it and picking it up to check the time. 

Her heart started to beat furiously as she noticed a text message from Ben. She must have not heard it earlier, too deep into herself to notice anything else. She felt lighter, wondering what he had said, and quickly sat up, swiping the screen and reading his latest message. 

_ <(312)749-1940>   _

_Today was a better day. I think. I helped someone, someone that I care very much about. It felt good. I shouldn’t have some of the thoughts I do about them, but you know me, I never know when to leave well enough alone. It’s like that time, you remember when I was thirteen and wanted that new PlayStation game? The one that was for over 18’s. Mom was NOT having it, saying I had to wait a few years, which only made me want it even more. I never felt more humiliated when you both came to pick me up from the store after I’d been caught trying to steal it. You said you weren’t angry at me, just disappointed, which was SO much worse. You were always disappointed in me, though, weren’t you? I gave you both enough reason to be. I was an awful son, I realize that now. Too late, as always. I wish you were here. So I could actually say sorry in person and not in a fucking text that no one is reading. Alas, I’m still the same coward I always was. I’m sorry. So fucking sorry._

_Ben_

Rey let out a loud breath she hadn’t even known she was holding. That message was _a lot_ to unpack. Her heart broke for him, for the pain that he was feeling. He blamed himself for everything, something she did all the time. He struggled with the person he had been, but it seemed like he wanted to change.

He said he was helping someone, that was a _good_ thing. Dr. Ren had told her as much today and he knew. He helped people every day.

She also felt a twinge of jealousy—which she knew was completely ridiculous—over the fact that he had parents that cared enough to be disappointed in the first place. Which wasn’t fair. Their worlds were clearly completely different. But still, the _ache_ was there.

She needed to reply, and soon.

Sitting back on her bed, she started to type.

_Ben, please don’t freak out. I know it’s... super weird, to receive a text from this number. It was given to me the other day. It had been found and was completely wiped and, well, I’ve been receiving your messages. I wasn’t going to reply, but I can’t help it. I am so sorry for your loss. I can’t even imagine what you’re going through: I never knew my parents, and the thought of losing them all over again makes me feel sick. I don’t know you, and you don’t know me. But I am sure your father loved you. You were his son and from what you have said, he cared. Know that and I hope, truly, that you find peace. I just need you to know that you’re not alone._

_Kira_

She read over the text. It wasn’t the greatest thing that had ever been written, but at least it was _something_. She’d decided not to use her real name because really, she didn’t actually know this person. Besides, Kira was the name of the stray cat that hung in the workshop at Plutt’s, and she loved it.

Reading over a third time, she decided just to press send and hope that it would help him.

That he knew he wasn’t alone in all of this.

That he mattered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SHE HAS REPLIED.
> 
> Lot to unpack in this chapter, hope you are enjoying it.
> 
> Would love to hear what you all think <3


	4. Until the Light is Shattered

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We get our Kylo Pov...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Wednesday. Here we are, our first Kylo PoV, which I hope you all enjoy. I can't say enough how much I appreciate all of your comments and messages. This isn't an easy read and I love that you are all on this journey with me. THANK YOU.
> 
> My tow betas [RebelRebel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RebelRebel/pseuds/RebelRebel)  
> and [Ever-so-reylo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ever_So_Reylo/pseuds/Ever-so-reylo)  
> are my life and the support you both give me is amazing. THANK YOU FOR BEING YOU.
> 
> [Azuwrite](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Azuwrite/pseuds/Azuwrite)  
> made me ANOTHER beautiful moodboard. This lady is so sweet and supportive.
> 
> Please mind the tags and let me know what you think :)

**Chapter Four - Until the Light is Shattered**

 

_ Why is the dark behind the moon? _

_ Out of reach until the light is shattered _

 

Kylo Ren was many things; cool, intense, unlikeable, and right now, drunk off his ass.

That’s what happened when you’d received a text from your dead dad’s phone and completely lost your shit. When he’d first seen his father’s name pop up on the screen, he’d nearly passed out, feeling dizzy, confused… stupidly  _ hopeful _ for a small second. 

The thing was, he knew he was being completely pathetic; messaging his father’s number with all his feelings, signing them off as  _ Ben _ —the only name his father would ever call him. Many of his patients talked about this—reaching out to the person that had passed, maybe by letter, email, phone—and it wasn’t exactly an unhealthy way to cope. But, never in all his days, had he heard of anyone receiving an answer. Until now. 

He read the message over again, from this stranger called  _ Kira _ . At first, he had read it and scoffed, his throat dry as he tried to process his thoughts. He felt stupid that he’d wished it was actually Han that had replied, which he knew was completely out the realm of possibility. Kylo had seen his body, been at the funeral—and Han Solo was most definitely dead.

Besides, what was he expecting to read, if it had been him? 

_ Hey kid, thanks for the messages. Jokes on the whole death thing. Oh, and can you tell your Mom that I don’t want to go on her stupid low-cholesterol diet? Driving me crazy, that woman.  _

No. The small bit of hope he had felt, followed by a cruel dose of disappointment, only made him feel even worse. He had never expected to see that number light up his phone again.  _ Ever _ . It wasn’t supposed to.  _   
_

He cringed at the knowledge that someone had the phone, that they had read his every thought, that they had met  _ Ben _ . The man that he locked away from everyone in his life, the man he had tried to bury so many years ago.  _   
_

Ben was foolish, pathetic, had too much of his father’s heart in him. Ben was the weakest part of himself, whereas Kylo was strong, almost emotionless, and he preferred it that way. Made it harder to get hurt and by god, he had been hurt in his life.  _   
_

“Fucking idiot,” he grunted, pushing his hair from his face as he swayed along the hallway to his bedroom.  _   
_

Once he had read the message several times, he’d opened a bottle of whiskey, drinking the amber liquid straight and not even bothering with a glass. What was the point? He was alone anyway, always alone.  _   
_

Except.  _   
_

Except that message, that girl… she had said he wasn’t alone.  _   
_

That final line had pulled on a cord of his heart—the thing he apparently had, but on most occasions pretended he didn’t.  _   
_

_ Why would she say that? _ _   
_

He couldn’t help but wonder if this person was just as lonely as he was. It sure seemed like it. It seemed like they understood, and he didn’t know how he felt about that. Which was ironic, seeing as he spent his days talking to other people about their feelings and trying to decipher what their issues were.  _   
_

Though in all fairness, Kylo was well aware of what his issue was: dead dad that he’d had a fucked up relationship with, and was now regretting his actions. It was simple, textbook really, and something he had helped people through countless times.  _   
_

It was a completely different matter though when it was  _ him _ who was grieving. Things now weren’t so black and white for him. Instead, they were gray, murky—unclear.  _   
_

He didn’t know how to forgive himself. He didn’t believe that he deserved forgiveness in the first place. Instead, all he could feel was pain, regret, and a hole in his heart he didn’t know how he could ever fill.  _   
_

Part of the training was to research grief, the five stages and all the other shit that came along with it. On paper, it made sense. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and then acceptance.  _ Like it was that easy, _ he thought. It seemed that the one thing they didn’t tell you was how erratic all the stages were. It wasn’t a linear process, you didn’t go through each stage one after the other, and then come out the other side fixed. It was all bullshit. Instead, you bounced from feeling to feeling, taking one step forward and another ten back.  _   
_

It had been eight months and Kylo was still stuck on anger, with a healthy dose of denial. Getting past these two points was decidedly impossible. No matter what he tried, he couldn’t move on with his life. Every waking moment he was consumed with the knowledge that he’d never gone to see his father near the end. That his dad had died thinking Kylo didn’t care—when in fact he did, too much.  _ That _ was the problem. He had never been able to get a handle on his feelings. He felt everything so deeply, and then, when he let his anger or his pride take over and ruin things, he was too stubborn to sort them… and now, he was too late.  _   
_

He would never get to apologize to the one man who had always had his best interests at heart. How was he ever to get over that? How was he able to  _ accept _ ? _   
_

The only thing that Kylo Ren could accept was that he was a dick.  _   
_

He groaned loudly, punching the wall next to his bed so hard that his hand went through the plasterboard.  _   
_

“Take that back, I’m a dramatic dick,” he slurred, shaking off his sore hand.  _   
_

Reaction, that was his problem—something he had always struggled with. He reacted without thinking, ever since he was a child. It’s what got him in so much trouble over the years. His Uncle Luke would call it “the famous Skywalker temper”, but he was more Solo than anything else.  _   
_

He picked up the phone again, reading over the message and wincing. This person, they seemed  _ nice _ and… well, he wasn’t. He really shouldn’t reply. He should leave it as is, delete and block the number and move on. He didn’t want to throw his personal shit on a complete stranger. It might be his job to help people, but the thought of anyone helping him—well, it didn’t sit right. He didn’t like the idea of not being in complete control. That was when bad things happened; when he lost it.  _   
_

He had tried so hard over the years not to lose it. Being a therapist meant that he was in the driving seat, it allowed him to have the control he needed, with the added benefit of helping people. He wasn’t a complete monster.  _   
_

“Tell that to your family,” he snarled, his other hand running through his hair. _   
_

He didn’t like drinking, not really. He’d kicked the awful habit months ago, but tonight had fucked all his progress. It wasn’t the girl’s fault, whoever she was; it was his own, and the fact he couldn't deal with this. He couldn’t deal with his hurt. He didn’t like it, because it was the one thing in his life that ended up controlling him.  _   
_

He shook his head, wishing he could go back to earlier that day before he had received the text, before he had opened that bottle of whiskey. He wished he could go back to talking to  _ Rey _ . Which in itself was completely fucked up, but a totally different issue.  _   
_

Rey Nemo. His client. Twelve years his junior. Bane of his entire fucking existence, because he was crazy about her. Absolutely crazy. He was sick, he was sure of it. She went to him for help, and by god, he tried to help her. He wanted to, with everything in him. But when she sat there, in her tight, black leggings with a small crop top and a large cardigan on, biting on that goddamn lip… well, it took every bit of his control not to walk across that room and take her in his arms.  _   
_

Completely unethical, he was well aware. The thoughts he had, the ones that he tried so hard to fight, always ended up raging within him. He shouldn’t feel this way about anyone, never mind a young girl that was his client. She was in his care and here he was, noticing her, wanting her. He felt sick, the alcohol in his stomach adding even more to the nausea.  _   
_

He had never expected this to happen, not in a million years. Kylo Ren didn’t do relationships or crushes… or anything, really.  _ Until her _ . Sure, when he was younger he had been with women, multiple women, until he realized he didn’t actually  _ like _ it. That he didn’t feel anything. So he’d just stopped. Until now. The day she had told him she was a virgin, the way a blush spread across her usually pale cheeks as she chewed her bottom lip, he’d nearly come in his pants right there. Which for a man of his age was completely ridiculous and, frankly, embarrassing.  _   
_

The shame he had felt that day, and then felt even deeper when he’d gone home, his cock hard in his hand as he relieved himself, thinking about being buried into her tight, wet cunt. What made the whole sordid fantasy even worse was the fact he imagined her shouting his name, his old name… Ben. The entire thing was sick, even for his standards. _   
_

He had a duty of care, and he had to keep to that. No matter what his dick seemed to think… or his heart. He had to remind himself that he was her therapist, that he was there to help her. And Rey, beautiful Rey, she needed his help. More than anyone he had ever met, except maybe himself.  _   
_

“You’re probably laughing, right, dad? Good, old Ben who fucks everything up.”  _   
_

He swayed back and forward as he walked to his en-suite, splashing some water over his hot face. He was a complete mess; in all honesty he had been one for months, but nothing had really brought the entire thing to the forefront, not until  _ that _ message. He should probably thank her, thank Kira for making him realize just how ridiculous he was being.  _   
_

He felt stupid, stupid for thinking that a fucking text would make things right with his dad. That words, words that Han would never even see, would make everything okay again. That it would erase that the last thing he’d said to his father was how happy he was to be nothing like him; that he wished he’d had a different father. That he was  _ done _ with him.  _   
_

How wrong he had been.  _   
_

The images of the last time he saw him started to filter through his mind. Han’s face had been red, angry… hurt. He tried not to show it, but Kylo knew how to twist the proverbial knife when it came to his family, and that day he had struck hard.  _   
_

He hated himself for it. Every single day. Always.  _   
_

He lifted the almost empty bottle in his hands and threw it against the dresser in his bedroom, the glass smashing all over the floor, the small, shattered pieces mirroring his heart, his soul. Kylo Ren was lost. He had no clue how to manage this. But Ben, Ben Solo was pushing through, wanting to reply to this Kira person… wanting to talk about all of this to someone, anyone.  _   
_

He picked up the phone,  _ again _ , and started to type the first thing that came to his mind. _   
_

_ Kira, _

_ First off, this is weird as shit. Secondly, I am sorry you never knew your parents, though, in a weird way, I also envy you. The guilt I feel over how I treated my father is unbearable. Which, I guess you already know. I can only apologize to you for receiving these messages. I didn’t foresee his phone being passed to anyone else and can only imagine how odd this has been for you. My father did love me, but I can’t handle the fact that he died thinking I didn’t love him back. You said I wasn’t alone, and I want you to know, you aren’t either. Thank you, again. _

_ Ben _

He checked it over a few times, having to fix some typos due to the fact he was completely shit-faced. Kylo finally pressed send, not expecting a response. He’d said thank you, he wouldn’t message the number again, that was it. 

He tossed his phone down on the bed, then promptly followed, his head hitting the soft pillows as the room started to spin. He was in and out of consciousness, his mind plagued with images of his father, of better times… then the worse times. Finally, hours later he fell into a deep sleep, but the torture continued with dreams of what would never be, what he would never have… dreams of  _ her _ . _   
_

__

* * *

__   
  


His phone rang—loudly—and he groaned as he searched for it on the covers without opening his eyes. The light beaming in through the split in his curtains was not helping his current hungover situation, and he was glad that Sunday was his day off. There was no way he would have been able to help any of his clients today.

“Kylo Ren,” he answered groggily, not even checking who was on the other line. 

“Sounds like someone had a rough night,” the voice of his uncle, Luke Skywalker, filtered through the phone, and Kylo didn’t even try and suppress the groan that bubbled from his throat. This was the last thing he needed. 

“How perceptive you are.”

“Hungover?” 

“How did you know?” he replied sarcastically, his heart beating faster, the way it always did when he spoke to any member of his family.

“Because you sound the exact same way Han did after a long night of drinking.”

His uncle’s answer was a large punch to the gut, a swift and brutal reminder of everything. 

“What do you want?” Kylo responded, exasperated and not wanting to discuss his father, especially with Luke.

“Nothing. I’m doing this on behalf of your Mom.” 

“No.”

“You don’t even know what I was going to ask.”

“I do. And no, I have plans and can’t make Sunday dinner, sorry.” 

“You’re not sorry,” Luke replied, his voice resigned. 

“No, I’m not.” 

What was the point in lying? He didn’t have plans. He just didn’t want to be back at the family home, he didn’t want to have to see the pity and pain in his mom’s eyes when she looked at him. He would rather be on his own. _   
_

“Sort your shit, Ben. You might not care about your mother, but I do and she misses you. So clean up your act and come and see her.” 

Luke hung up, not waiting on a response. Kylo wouldn’t have given him the one he wanted to hear, anyway. He finally glanced at the screen on his phone, ready to look at his work emails, until he noticed a notification in his messages.

He heart was pounding again, but for a completely different reason as he scrambled to a sitting position. It was from her,  _ Kira _ . She had sent it not long after his message last night and he cursed himself for being so wasted he hadn’t even heard it. He quickly saved her number, changing the name from Dad to Kira. It would make things easier for him… not make it so hard to see any notification from her. _   
_

_ <Kira> _

_ You don’t need to apologize to me, at all. I just hope you are okay, well, as okay as you can be. I can see you are struggling and I get it, I’ve been there… I am there, right now. It’s easy for people to tell us how we should act, or what we should do to get better, but actually doing it and it working is another thing entirely. All I can say is, I am sure your father knew that you loved him. By messaging him every day, you are proving just how much you care. Families aren't easy, they aren’t perfect, but love can still be there. It’s braver to face it, face the mess and embrace it. You got this, Ben.  _

_ Kira _

He didn’t reply. He just read the message, soaking in the words, believing in them. 

Kylo didn’t reply all day. Instead, he went to his Mom’s house for Sunday dinner. 

And didn’t hate it.

__   
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooooo… a lot to unpack there... as usual.
> 
> Please leave me some kudos and a comment to let me know what you think <3


	5. Everything I Listen For

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Wednesday everyone! We are back to Rey PoV on this chapter. Thank you so much for all of your support on this. I am loving talking to you all so much. 
> 
> My beta babes [RebelRebel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RebelRebel/pseuds/RebelRebel)  
> and [Ever-so-reylo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ever_So_Reylo/pseuds/Ever-so-reylo)  
> are angels and make this readable. Love you. 
> 
> Massive thank you to [AlbaStarGazer](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlbaStarGazer/pseuds/AlbaStarGazer)  
> for helping me come up with the book idea... you will know what I mean when you read it. I sometimes think you get this story more than me haha <3
> 
> This stunning moodboard is made by my love [KyloTrashForever](https://archiveofourown.org/users/KyloTrashForever/pseuds/KyloTrashForever)  
> <3 <3 <3 
> 
> As always, please mind the tags before reading and enjoy!

 

**Chapter Five - Everything I Listen For**

 

_When everything I listen for,_

i _s here when you walk in the door,_

_tonight_

 

__

_**** _

Rey was fine.

As fine as she could be, based on the fact that Ben has actually messaged her back. She wasn’t expecting it. Hoping for it, maybe. But when her phone had lit up with his reply, she had nearly fainted.

He was freaked out, which was fair enough. She would have been surprised if he hadn’t been. It hadn’t taken her too long to decide to message him back, opening up to him like she did with only one other person in her life, her therapist; though she wasn’t exactly sure that counted.

Ben was just as lost as she was. Sure, their grief and pain was different, but in many ways it was still the same. The suffering, the loss, the hatred towards themselves for acting as they did. She could feel it pour through every single word he messaged. Which, in a fucked up way, helped her. Finally made her realize that she wasn’t the only person in this world who endured this pain.

It was now Sunday afternoon and he still hadn’t replied to her last message. Rey was angry at herself for thinking about it all day. Now that she had had a taste, she wanted to know more. She wanted to help him. And for her, that meant everything. Most days Rey found it hard to help herself, so she had to go along with this. She had to make a difference.

“Seriously, how many times are you gonna look at that phone? Finn is out with Poe and I know for a fact the only other number you have is mine… so what’s going on?”

Rey turned to face her friend Rose, noting the skeptical look on her face as she waited for Rey’s response. They were having their weekly Sunday movie binge; today it was the _Scream_ movies, and their shared love of Billy Loomis made them giggle like two school girls, even though he was the murderer.

Rose had originally been Poe’s roommate, which was how they’d met, and she was the first and only female friend Rey had ever had. It suited her perfectly. Rey had always gotten along better with men, though she had no idea why. But having an actual girlfriend was better than she ever could have hoped. They lifted each other up, didn’t judge, and she could be brutally honest with her. Until now.  _****  
** ** _

“What?”

Rey pretended to look confused as she pushed her phone away and onto the small table in front of her. She could last the second film without looking at it. So what if he replied? He would just have to wait, wouldn’t he? _****  
** ** _

“You know, I can tell when you’re lying Reyby,” Rose said softly, using her sweet nickname that combined Rey and the word baby. She never really understood why Rose would want to make her name longer, but she loved it all the same.  _****  
** ** _

“I don’t know what you mean. I was just checking the weather.”  _****  
** ** _

“I see, I forgot that you were going for a hike today and not sitting on your couch, in your pajamas with no intention of moving.” Rose narrowed her eyes. “Spill.”  _****  
** ** _

Rose paused the movie, just at the start of _Scream 2_ , the good bit where they are all in the theatre with the Scream masks and then one of them turns and stabs the other character, but nobody even notices. Rey loved horror. It had been her escapism growing up. Films, in general, had been. Books too. She just loved being transported into another world, another reality. _****  
** ** _

“Well?”  _****  
** ** _

Rose waited impatiently for an answer. Rey could tell that her friend wasn’t about to give up as easily as Poe had when grilling her, but she was still going to try and swerve as much as she could. She was a natural at it, Kylo had even told her so himself. It had taken her approximately two months to stop answering his questions with her own questions. She remembered the look in his eyes when he realized he had finally broken through, that she was willing to show him a part of her she kept heavily guarded.  _****  
** ** _

“I told you. It’s new, I like playing with it. I don’t know what you want me to say,” Rey replied casually.

“The truth would be a wonderful start. You’ve been on edge all day. And not like you normally are. Who are you waiting to hear from?”

Rose wasn’t going to relent, that was sure. She put up a good fight, but so did Rey.

“What do you want me to say? You know I literally have four people in my life that I talk to. You, Poe, Finn and my therapist. And it’s not exactly like I’m messaging him, is it?”

Rey _wished_ she had his personal number, for reasons that were completely unprofessional. Not that she had ever done much flirting in her life, but she was pretty sure the hip thing was to ask for a dick pic, or so she had heard… from Rose, actually. And if there was a dick she wanted to see, it was definitely Kylo Ren’s. She was sure he wouldn’t take too kindly to that, though. That he wouldn’t even want her to have his personal number in the first place. So, dick pics from her therapist were definitely out of the question.

“Stop counting your therapist among your friends. It’s just weird and, like… creepy,” Rose half-joked, but Rey could hear the underlying warning in her tone.

Her friends knew that Rey was attracted to Kylo, and they weren’t exactly happy about it. They didn’t push her too much, knowing it wasn’t the best road to go down with her. But they were still concerned. The word “transference” had been thrown around the last time they all discussed it, and it just ended up pissing Rey off.

She knew it was fucking predictable that she liked him, but she couldn’t exactly help that she found him attractive. That every single time she heard his deep, controlled voice her knees nearly gave away. That when he looked at her with those dark, intense eyes she could feel every single goosebump all over her body. That wasn’t transference, that was something else. She knew herself and she wouldn’t just like a guy because he listened to her, never mind one who was _paid_ to.

When she had tried to explain that to her friends they had been pretty skeptical about the whole thing. She’d decided very quickly that there was no point in arguing with them too hard about the subject. It wasn’t as if anything was ever going to happen between her and Kylo. It was a professional relationship; he helped her, and for that she would always be grateful and keep her sordid fantasies in the back of her mind, where no one could find them. _****  
** ** _

Kylo had asked her before about relationships, if she had ever been in love. She had promptly told him no, and that she didn’t really believe in love, per se. The idea of it was nice, she guessed, and in films, it seemed to bring the characters joy and whatever. But Rey... well. It wasn’t really her thing. Love hadn’t gotten her anywhere before. Sometimes, she kinda thought that maybe she was unloveable. Which, she was completely aware of how sad that sounded. But her parents had left her, and parents were supposed to be the first people to ever love you in your life. It was pretty much guaranteed for everyone… just not for _her_.

“It’s not creepy. He gets me.”  _****  
** ** _

“Of course he does, it’s his job.”

“I am not getting into this with you again,” Rey said, annoyed that they were having the same conversation they had had a hundred times.

“Because you know I’m right.”

Rose stuck her tongue out at Rey, clearly trying to diffuse the situation. Rey knew she didn’t mean anything bad by it, that she was just looking out for her, and she appreciated it. But, her friends constantly reminding her that Kylo would never look at her that way made her feel sick, made her feel stuck.

“Can we stop talking about it, please?”

“Sure, instead we can talk about why you keep looking at your phone.”

Rey groaned, but started laughing along with Rose. She really never gave up.

“Nothing. I promise.”

“Hmmm, I don’t believe you, but I will get it out you someday. For now… _Scream_ awaits.”

The two girls settled back down and pulled the blanket over them as they resumed the movie. But Rey couldn’t focus. Instead her fingers itched, wanting to check her phone to see if he would reply. She couldn’t wait for Rose to leave, couldn’t wait to pick up the device and hopefully see his name there.

But she waited, she waited until Rose left, she waited that night… she waited all week. And nothing.

 

* * *

 

“How are you feeling, Rey? After your episode during the weekend?” Dr. Ren asked from his chair across from her, his notebook and pen in hand.

He opened with that question each week, asking her how she was, how her week had been and any struggles she had faced. This week was different though, because she had called him, called him at his office because she was spiralling.

Rey had felt off-kilter all day. All week, if she was being honest. Ben hadn’t responded to her. She knew it had been a distinct possibility that he would stop texting, but she couldn’t stop thinking about him. Was he as sad as she was? Probably. Except he didn’t want her help.

It hadn’t helped matters that when she had first come to the reception desk Bitchine was decidedly much less… bitchy. She’d had a fake smile plastered on her orange face, and for the first time since Rey had been attending here she actually called her by her name and asked her how she was doing. Rey still took a handful of mints: she wasn’t going to forgive her that easily. A tiny part of her had wanted Bazine to tell her off, to scrunch her face up as she saw Rey’s hand enter the bowl. Instead she had only asked her if she wanted more. Which was strange. Really strange.

And now, well, now Dr. Ren was looking at her, focusing on nothing else as he waited for her reaction, like he _needed_ to know she was doing better. This was what confused her. She knew people said it was just a job to him, but he cared. She could see it in his eyes, in the way he crossed and then uncrossed his leg almost nervously as he waited for her reply. She wanted to know more about him. She wanted to ask him all the questions he asked her and bask in his answers. She wanted to know his deepest, darkest secrets.

She was an idiot.

“Fine, much better. I really am sorry… you must have been so busy and I just took you away from another client. Bazine told me no and I kept pushing.” Rey looked down, almost embarrassed.

“What did I say, Rey? Never apologize for your feelings. I will always make time for you. Whenever you need me, okay?”

The way he said it, the way he looked at her when she spoke… well, she was just glad she was currently sitting down, because right now she didn’t trust herself on her feet. He made her feel special, like she wasn’t actually crazy for feeling the things she did.

“Also, I am the one who should be apologizing,” he continued, his cheeks turning slightly red.

She looked at him, confused and replied, “why? I mean, you have nothing to be sorry for. You helped me.”

“Good, I am glad to hear that. But I want to apologize for Bazine. She shouldn’t have tried to get rid of you. I overheard her, and well, it won’t happen again.” There was a finality in his tone that brokered no room for argument.

“Ohhhhhh, so that is why she didn’t have a Bitchine fit when I stole all her mints,” she commented, then jumped when he burst out laughing.

Dr. Ren didn’t really laugh. He smiled, only slightly when she made a funny quip, but now his head was thrown back as he laughed at the nickname she had given his receptionist.

“Bitchine?”

“I mean, yeah. I don’t even know how I came up with it, it was a mistake… I was calling her a bitch and saying her name and then… tada!”

“I am going to have to try and refrain from calling her that myself, then.”

Rey smiled, a blush now covering her own cheeks at the fact she had made him laugh. She wanted to do it again and again. She could live off of it. The way his eyes became instantly brighter, how the skin on his face creased as his lips turned upward. It was a good look on him, but in his defense, every look on him was good.

“Now, are you sure you are okay?”

 _Back to business,_ Rey thought as she sat up in her chair, both of her hands gripping either side of it. He wasn’t going to let her get away with that question, knowing that her answer had been a bit of a cop-out. He could always see past her defenses, leaving her unarmed and bare.

“I mean, I am a little better, I took your advice and it went… well, it went well. Until it didn’t.”

“How do you mean? You said you had a friend who needed help… you didn’t, um, you didn’t offer them sex again, did you?”

He’d stopped writing down her answers, instead staring at her, as still as a statue as he waited for her answer.

She giggled, out loud, without meaning to. The thought of offering Ben sex after his reply seemed completely ridiculous now.

“You did?” Dr. Ren’s voice was hard, cold, his grip on the pen turning his knuckles white.

“Oh my god, no. Nothing like that. I mean, like I said, I was going to offer initially, but it was more in a fucked up sort of way, and I knew that. But, no. No sex for me. Still virgin Rey over here, thank you very much.” She saluted him as she laughed, taking note that the dark gaze seemed to soften immediately as he went back to writing.

“Good. I mean, okay. Good for you. Knowing that it wasn’t the answer. So, tell me, what happened then?”

He seemed to be back to normal. Rey understood why the sex thing annoyed him. It wasn’t a healthy coping mechanism and she worried that if she started going down that road, by using it as a crutch, then it would only end badly.

“He seemed like maybe, maybe he wanted my help, to begin with. And then… he didn’t. I just don’t know if I pushed it too far with him, you know? I struggle with boundaries, and I can be too much for people. I get that. I always have been. I just... I just really wanted to be there for him.”

“Then be there for him. You ever think that maybe he is just scared? If you care enough for him that you want to help, I am sure he will appreciate that. Your struggle with boundaries is a common thing, Rey. Boundaries, people’s personalities… everyone is different and can take or leave certain aspects of other people. Not everyone gets along for a reason. Have you thought that people you have tried to be yourself around maybe just aren’t meant to be in your life? That maybe you will meet other people that are more like you, that won’t try and change who you are? It’s all about perspective, and the way that you see yourself is not the way that other people see you.”

Rey nodded in response and sat for a few minutes, taking in everything he said as he watched her again. He made a lot of sense—he always did. She knew her perception of herself was screwed up. She had and always would be her own worst enemy. She blamed herself for anything that went wrong in her life, never deeming herself to be good enough. If people didn’t want to be her friend or didn’t want to engage with her, she put it down to it being her fault. Maybe she was right… but maybe, maybe she was wrong, like he said. It was something she would definitely have a think about.

“I guess. Ugh, this sounds super ‘woe is me’ or whatever. I just feel like, why would anyone want to be in my life. Why would anyone want my help? I don’t feel worthy of helping him, but I don’t want to not talk to him anymore. I’m not ready. Which is ridiculous based on the circumstances, but anyway. Nobody ever wants to be my friend,” she said softly, her hands now clasped on her thighs as she twiddled her thumbs, clicking them back and forth.

She was double-jointed, could click her fingers, push them in obscure directions, and for someone who had to always be moving, touching, doing something… it helped _a lot_. Dr. Ren had commented on it before, the fact that she herself seemed more aware of it when she was feeling vulnerable.

His eyes were on her hands now, but he didn’t comment; instead, he looked away and took some more notes, his eyebrow creased as she watched him digest what she said.

“I can tell you now, and Rey, look at me… look at me, Rey,” he said, his voice kind, soft, but also commanding.

She did as he said, and her gaze rose from her hands and landed on him. She decided there and then she would travel through space if he asked her to. There was nothing she wouldn’t do.

“Rey, I am going to say something and I need you to believe me, okay? I am not saying it because I am your therapist, I am not saying it to make you feel better. I am saying it because it is the truth. You, Rey Nemo, are special. You have a heart so big, which considering all that has happened to you in your life, is frankly inspiring. I know for a fact that anyone who has you in their life is _better_ because of it. This person, your friend, he will appreciate it. Just keep trying, okay? Don’t give up, because if there is something else I know about you, it’s that you aren’t a quitter.”

His pen and notepad weren’t even in his hands anymore as he spoke. Instead, his entire focus was on her, and she liked it. She liked the words he was saying, she liked how he looked at her… she liked everything about him.

He didn’t _have to_ say what he just did. And he didn’t have to say it in a way that made her  believe every single syllable that fell from his mouth. But she did. She believed him and she instantly felt better.

“Thank you, Ky- Dr. Ren. Sorry. Thank you. I just feel a little lost.”

“We all feel a little lost sometimes.”

“Do you?”

Her hand flew up to her mouth, she didn’t mean to ask him that. _Fuck_ , she thought. She could see him straighten in his chair, his gaze now fallen from her as he picked up the notepad again. The moment was gone and she had messed everything up. She wasn’t supposed to ask questions about him… that wasn’t what this was about.

The few minutes he took to answer felt like hours, her skin starting to feel itchy as she longed to scratch at it.

“I do, Rey. More than you know.”

He stood up then, walked over to the bookshelf and pulled out a book. The cover looked well worn, and his finger stroked down the spine as he shifted around, his long legs walking towards her as he handed it out to her.

“Read this, Rey. I know you like reading and... well, this is my favorite. It’s my father’s copy, he um, gave it to me a while ago.”

Rey took the worn book out of his hand gently, his fingers held onto it for a second longer than needed and she knew it meant a lot to him.

“To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee. There is a film, isn’t there?”

“Gregory Peck, yes. Have you seen it?”

“No, always wanted to.”

“There is a quote in it that I think you will relate to.”

“Tell me.”

He took a deep breath before continuing, “you never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view—until you climb inside of his skin and walk around in it.”

“That’s beautiful.”

“Yes, it is. Atticus is making Scout see things from other people’s points of view. And by doing that he makes her a stronger person. I think this is a quality that is really rare in people, and I see it in you. You look at a person, and you see and feel everything they do. I think you’ll enjoy it.”

Rey felt her eyes become wet, which in itself was completely embarrassing over a book. But it wasn’t about that—it was this gesture, him thinking of her and giving it to her. It was special and she couldn’t wait to get home and read it.

“Thank you. This means a lot to me. Seriously.”

He coughed loudly and walked away from her and the book, back to his own chair as he sat down. He looked nervous, unbalanced and Rey couldn’t help but find it completely adorable. It seemed that the cool Dr. Ren had a soft side, which unfortunately only made her like him even more.

“You’re welcome, Rey. I hope you enjoy it and learn from it. I did. My father did. It’s a great read.”

“Can I say something?”

She didn’t know why she needed permission. It was most likely because the next words out of her mouth started to toe the line between a client-therapist relationship and, well… friends.

“You can say anything. You know that, Rey. This is your safe space.”

“You make me brave. I wouldn’t have reached out to my friend if I hadn’t had your blessing. I know that sounds silly, but I appreciate you and everything you do for me.”

He smiled. Not the small smile that usually graced his face, and not the large one from earlier, when he had laughed at her joke. This smile, well it was different, special… warm. It seemed like they were making a habit of blurring all the lines today, but she liked it, wanted more.

“Well, Rey, if you will be brave, then so will I.”

 

* * *

 

Rey had picked up an extra shift at Plutt’s place; he had a new TV that had come in, and he wanted it fixed and ready to be sold as soon as possible. Of course, needing the money she had gone in straight after her session. The entire time she had wanted to get home, read the book that Kylo had given her, and probably stare at her phone some more. 

She wouldn’t have to, though. Because as soon as she took the device out of her backpack and walked up the street, she noticed a notification from Ben and her heart skipped a beat, sweat starting to gather at the nape of her neck.

 

_ <Ben> _

_Kira, I apologize profusely for not messaging you back earlier. I was scared. I tried to forget about this, about you, and I couldn’t. You put yourself out there, you were there for me and I want you to know that I appreciate it. I don’t really have anyone in my life that gives two shits about me. Except my mom, but as you know from previous texts, that comes with a lot of baggage that I am not sure I am ready for. I did see her, you know. On Sunday, after your messages. So I guess I wanted to say thank you. I wouldn’t have done it without your encouragement. You made me brave._

_Ben_

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I absolutely loved writing this scene between them in his office... did he shout at Bitchine? I wonder lmao. 
> 
> Please let me know what you think <3
> 
> Thank you for reading.


	6. What's Real In Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am blown away by all the lovely comments from you all. I am enjoying chatting about how you connect to the characters and any theories you have on what is going to happen. I just want to confirm, Rey does not have Dr. Ren's personal number, he doesn't give it out. She only has the office number. Hope that clears that up :) 
> 
> This chapter is considerably lighter, for many reasons, including what happened to Rey in the last chapter, she is on a high, feeling great... so, enjoy <3
> 
> My two beta babies [RebelRebel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RebelRebel/pseuds/RebelRebel)  
> and [Ever-so-reylo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ever_So_Reylo/pseuds/Ever-so-reylo)  
> are my life and I love how much they support me with this story. YOU TWO ARE ANGELS AND I WANT BEN SOLO TO NUT ON YOU... and I say that with love <3
> 
> Thank you so much to the lovely [Azuwrite](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Azuwrite/pseuds/Azuwrite)  
> for this absolutely stunning moodboard! You are too good to me and I appreciate you so much <3
> 
> Enjoy <3

 

**Chapter Six - What's Real In Me**

 

_If you could see what's real in me,_

_then maybe beauty wouldn't be so cruel_

 

 

 _Nemo_.

It was a silly name, she supposed. Nemo, in Latin, means nobody, which for her was fitting—and the reason she picked the name in the first place.

Rey thought about the fact that she actually had to decide on a surname, seeing as she never actually knew her own. She’d never met anyone who’d ever had to do that and wondered if maybe there was an online group of some sort where people like her could congregate together. Discuss what prompted them to change their last names and how it “moulded” them as a person.

 _Probably_ , she thought, realizing that there was literally an app for everything.

Her phone had become her new best friend. Which was pretty sad until she noticed that everyone else was the exact same. Phones were so many people’s constant companion, always there for them when they needed help—or porn. Mostly porn.

At the top of her settings, where it stored all her details, she’d decided to call it _Nobody’s phone_ , enjoying the private joke a little more than she should.

Except, after her small giggle about it, she could hear Dr. Ren’s deep, gravelly voice in her ear. Telling her all the sweet things he had said yesterday that had ultimately made her head swim. 

He went above and beyond the call of his job; giving her the book, opening up to her… _everything._ Not that she minded, she felt quite the opposite in fact. She liked this side to him, especially after being so used to him giving nothing away, only listening. Now, he was starting to share right back with her. Which, there was probably some sort of law against in the Therapist Handbook for Dummies, but she didn’t care. Not when it felt this good. 

The entire day she had felt like she was walking on water, her head in the clouds, and she didn’t have one panic attack. Then, to make things even better, Ben had messaged her back.

She hadn’t expected it after not hearing from him since the weekend; she’d been sure he’d decided this whole thing was too weird and blocked her number. So many times her fingers had hovered over his name, tempted to reach out. She didn’t, though—she liked to think she still had some sort of restraint. She had been working on it after all, with Dr. Ren. She’d been working on a lot of things. And finally, it felt like she had maybe come on a few steps, that she was surely—albeit very slowly—getting better. And it felt fucking fantastic. 

She walked down the street from her shift at Plutt’s on Friday, a spring in her step. She reminded herself of the main character from ‘500 Days of Summer’, expecting people to start dancing along the street behind her, all the while Hall and Oates blasting from her phone. It was ridiculous, really. All of it. 

Rey was on a natural high. She could see it with every movement. It happened to her sometimes, and she couldn’t really control it, because with the high always came the inevitable fall. 

 _Don’t worry about that now_ , she told herself. She had to enjoy _something_ ; glad that she was at least _feeling_.

If she had learned one thing throughout this entire experience, it was that feeling—anger, happiness, pain, sorrow—anything was better than being _numb_. Numb was what had taken her down that dark road the last time. Where she had seen no other way out… when she had broken. And she was still picking up the pieces. So, she would enjoy this high and she would embrace the dark when it came for her. She would make sure she felt every goddamn second of it. 

She lifted her head high, the sun beating down on her face as she walked back to her apartment with a little more purpose than before. Things were on the ups and that was a win in her book.

When she finally made it back to the apartment, it was empty—as per usual. Finn had mentioned he was staying with Poe, _again_. Normally on a Friday night, one where she was alone, there would be the small pang of jealousy creeping into her stomach as she thought about just how happy and in love her friends were. But more importantly, she felt left out… or even worse, made the third wheel.

Except, tonight was different. Tonight she actually _wanted_ to be alone. She wanted to sit back and read the book Dr. Ren had given her. She wanted to text Ben back, help him, be there for him. All the while, she also planned to pig out on some snacks. After finding that twenty dollars in the street earlier, well, it was meant to be. Besides, she couldn’t feel too guilty about it, she hadn’t seen who’d dropped it and the street was practically empty. She had also given the homeless man that sat near her apartment some change. She wasn’t a complete monster. 

Rey quickly pulled her hair up, shoved on her pyjama bottoms and removed her bra; finally comfy and with no one to judge her, even though it was only 5.30pm. If any woman said they came home from work and didn’t take their bra off straight away, then she would call them a liar. She didn’t even have big tits—herself referring to them as mosquito bites—and she still felt the instant relief from removing the material from her shoulders. 

“Shout out to all the bigger-breasted ladies and the pain they must be in by this time of day,” she cheered, lifting her Froose up in the air. 

Yes. Rey was an adult. But that didn’t stop her from falling in love with Cheerful Cherry Froose. It was literally one of the best things about moving to America, that and getting away from the fucked up UK foster care system—but really, both were very important. 

As she settled in the couch, her book in one hand and her juice in the other, the phone next to her started ringing.

“FaceTime?” Rey asked out loud, seeing her own face on the screen as Finn’s name flashed at the top. 

She swiped it open, answering him and holding the device up to her ear. She had heard of FaceTime before but had never been too sure on what it entailed. One of the joys of never having owned a phone before.

“Peanut? Oh you didn’t, you didn’t. Poe, come and see this!” Finn's voice screeched through the device. It was that loud that she had to pull it slightly away from her ear, confused as to why the line was crackly. 

“Finn?” she questioned, only to hear him continue laughing. “Are you drunk already?”

“Rey? Is that your ear? Oh, dear.” 

“Poe? What are you talking about my ear? Shit…”

She pulled the phone away to stare at the screen, her two friends’ faces coming into view, clearly in hysterics at the fact she had done something only people of a certain generation did. 

“I know what fucking FaceTime is,” she mumbled hotly.

“Clearly,” Finn replied, still laughing.

“I just forgot. You know this phone is old as hell, I didn’t even think it would let us—”

Poe interrupted, his tone teasing, “Get all the excuses out while you can. Just wait till we tell Rose.”

Rey rolled her eyes and wondered how long it would be until she lived this down. Not one of her finest moments, sure, but she wouldn’t let it pull down her mood and instead, laughed along with them. 

“You tell her that and I might just let it slip about what I saw the other week…”

Their laughter died, both of them facing the other with sheepish looks on their face. They knew exactly what she was talking about.

“You wouldn’t.”

“I would, Finn. And you know it.”

“It wasn’t what it looked like!” Poe said quickly, his voice hushed as if someone else could hear.

“Shut up, Poe! She knows what we were doing!”

Rey was the one laughing now. However scarred she was after what she’d seen… at least she could use it as leverage.

“All I’m saying is, I’m never gonna be able to watch an Old Western film again, if someone even says ‘giddyup’ to me, I’ll be transported back…”

“It wasn’t a sexual thing.”

“It was a sexual thing.”

Both men said at the same time, completely contradicting the other and Rey snorted.

“Which one is it?” she replied and took another sip of her sweet, sugary drink.

“Okay, okay. It was sexual. But, like… the horse noises I made… like… it was just a joke, really. We were playing the board game, you know… _Buckaroo_.”

“Poe, please stop. I um… got the gist. And also, thank you for ruining that childhood game for me.” Rey took a breath and shook her head to get rid of the image. “Now, let’s forget about my small phone mishap and I’ll _try_ and forget about Buckaroo. Deal?”

“Deal.”

“What phone thing?”

Rey nodded, happy with how things had worked out, and also how great her friends were. They made her laugh, without fail, all the time. Their antics were completely ridiculous, of course, but she enjoyed them all the same. Sure, they weren’t certified crazy like her, but they were definitely close. 

“Perfect. Anyway, why did you guys call? I thought you were staying there tonight, Finn?”

“Oh, I am. It’s just ,we were speaking with Rose and we are all gonna go to the bar tomorrow night, just for a few drinks. And, well, we wondered if you wanted to join? You don’t have to drink or whatever… just be in our company,” Finn rambled nervously, as she clocked Poe squeezing his shoulder in encouragement.

It made sense, really. Rey didn’t do bars. Or clubs. Or people. Or crowds. Or anything, really.. In fact, she actually tried her hardest to stay clear of them. The sense of control she lost in these situations always made her spiral. It was something she wanted, and was actively trying to get better at. 

Dr. Ren had said she would get there in the end. The last time they had spoken about it, he had even urged her to _try_ the next time her friends asked her out. Only for an hour, just to ease her in. He’d even written her out, in his neat handwriting, a step by step plan. She’d have to look at it tomorrow. 

“That sounds good. I mean, I won’t stay for long, but I guess getting out somewhere new is a good idea.”

Finn’s eyes opened wide, a large smile covering his face as he cheered. She knew he felt guilty, going out with their group of friends while she stayed in. Most of the time they all ended up staying in the apartment with her, but it wasn’t fair and she had told them all as much. She didn’t want them babying her, changing their lives to suit her. 

“Yes! Of course, whatever you need. I’ll text you the details tomorrow. Wear something cute!” Finn said excitedly.

She didn’t own something “cute” but whatever, she guessed she would find something.

“Sure, sure. I’ll speak to you later, okay?”

“Of course! Have a good night. We are going to play some board games.”

“Please don’t spoil any more for me, thanks,” she groaned.

“We were going to play Kerplunk… so take that as you will.”

“There are lots of balls involved!” Poe shouted, now moved away from the screen.

“Oh my god, bye!”

Rey quickly finished the call, trying to take her mind off of the fact that her two best friends were slowly ruining her childhood games, one by one.

She opened her messages, staring at the last one she had received from Ben last night and deciding it was a good idea to answer him.

 

_I’m glad you went to your Mom’s. I am sure she enjoyed having her son there. It wasn’t me who made you brave, it was all you. You need to see that there is nothing to be scared of. She’s your mother and she wants you there, that’s got to count for something, right? I’m sorry again for scaring you. I just couldn’t not reply… you seemed so lost._

_Kira_

 

And she meant every word. He had seemed lost, he still did—just like she was. And feeling lost with a hefty dose of guilt never led anywhere good. She knew; had found out the hard way.

She picked the book back up for what felt like the fifth time and began to read. She hadn’t made it past the second page when her phone pinged again beside her, and her heart started to beat a mile a minute.

 

_ <Ben> _

_I am lost, but aren’t we all? We are all wandering towards a destination and get lost along the way, some of us more than others. What about you? Are you lost, Kira? More importantly, can I help?_

_Ben_

 

She smiled, a small, innocent smile as she read the message over again. Could he help? Could she help him? She hoped so, more than anything.

 

_You can help me, Ben. On the one condition that I can also help you. Deal?_

 

She sent it, making her intentions clear. She needed a friend, and so did he. And it didn’t _really_ matter that she had no idea who he was. It wasn’t necessary.

 

_ <Ben> _

_Deal. I think this is the start of a beautiful friendship._

 

She smiled again; this time it was larger, and her good mood had now increased to an ecstatic one. The entire thing felt like fate or something like that. She was going to open up to someone who didn’t judge her, didn’t even know her. She could be completely honest.

Not that she wasn’t honest with Dr. Ren, she was, minus the fact she wanted to climb him like a tree, but that wasn’t great therapist talk.

This, with Ben, it was different. And she was all in.

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have NO idea where the games came from... but, I am kinda into it, lmao. What do we think will happen at the bar? How do we think the friendship between Kira and Ben is going to go? 
> 
> I really hope you enjoyed and I can't wait to hear what you think. Please drop me some comments <3 
> 
> Thanks for reading xo


	7. Dark Behind The Moon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we gooooo… I don't think this chapter will go as you expect, so I am super nervous. Thank you to everyone who has been reading and commenting. you honestly make my day <3
> 
> Biggest thank you to my two loves [RebelRebel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RebelRebel/pseuds/RebelRebel)  
> and [Ever-so-reylo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ever_So_Reylo/pseuds/Ever-so-reylo)  
> for being SO goddamn amazing, beautiful, supportive and just THE BEST.
> 
> Hope you enjoy... please mind the tags.

**Chapter Seven - Dark Behind The Moon**

 

_ Why is the dark behind the moon? _

_ Out of reach until the light is shattered _

 

“You’ve got this.”

Rey repeated over and over as she stared at her reflection in the mirror. She’d been panicking all day, throwing up a few times as she thought about the fact that she was going to a crowded bar. 

Whenever she knew she’d be going into a new social situation, she broke down. The thought of being around people, especially people she didn’t know… well, it always made her itchy, uncomfortable and just downright scared. Looking back, she hadn’t always been this way. But like everything, things just seemed to worsen over time.  **  
**

She could do this, that wasn’t really the problem. She had been to bars before, been outside and interacted with people. It was just that now, since her breakdown, these things just seemed so much harder than before. Like her rational brain and her body didn’t actually agree on the matter. The small, evil voice inside her head telling her that everyone was looking at her, talking about her, laughing at her. It was never ending, it told her that no one actually wanted her there, that she looked out of place, that she looked  _ poor. _ **  
**

Rey had always been wary of people, that was a given. Trust wasn’t something she gave easily. It had taken her close friends a long time to break down her walls, and even then there were things she still hid. And it wasn’t their fault that she did it. It was hers. She hated not being able to give her true self completely to another person. It hurt her, probably just as much as it hurt them. She was lucky, though: she had  _ good _ friends and they didn’t push her, they accepted whatever part of herself she was willing to share.  **  
**

But not everyone was always that understanding. So, the thought of being around new people, especially a lot of them, made her sweat. She tried, hard, to keep her happy mood from the previous day. And, if she was being honest, the main reason she wasn’t already cancelling on her friends and hiding in for the night was because of Dr. Ren and his plan for her going out. He had prepared her for nearly every situation, and for a change she had actually looked over her exercise sheets, taking a screenshot of them on her phone, just in case. 

She was lucky he was as good at his job as he was. He helped her in basically every single aspect of her life. Ridiculous crushes and fantasies aside, he was a wonderful therapist. And without him, she wouldn’t have survived.  _ She _ knew that.  _ He _ knew that. From the first time she’d opened her eyes and he was there at the hospital, sitting next to her bed, she had known that Dr. Ren would be life-changing. For once, she had been completely right. 

The second thing that had been getting her through the day was her conversations with Ben. They had been nonstop, back and forth. So much so that she actually had to look into getting some credit for her phone. They hadn’t spoken about anything too heavy, instead deciding to keep things lighter for a while, getting to know each other. She hadn’t told him that Kira wasn’t her real name and decided for now at least to keep it that way. It gave her that extra protection she needed.  **  
**

They had mutually decided not to give away any of the usual information, like age, where they were from, family names, etc. Instead, they talked about films, books, art and most importantly… life. It was a weird sort of situation; the fact that she was connecting to someone so much without even knowing them, having no clue of what they looked like.  **  
**

But here she was, messaging a stranger and laughing so loudly at his dry sense of humor that she almost peed herself. Ben. He was unlike anyone she had ever met. The pain that he carried was felt in almost all of their conversations. He struggled, daily, with what happened to his father. And although they hadn’t talked about it since the other day, she wanted to know more. For once, her problems didn’t matter as much. And that was something she hadn’t felt in years. She wanted to grasp onto that, to focus on him instead of herself, so that’s what she did. **  
**

 

_ Ben, I have a question for you; do you ever do something you personally don’t want to do, but you still do because it will please people that you love? That is where I am at tonight. I am doing something that makes me feel, well, uncomfortable. But, I know it will make my friends happy and I guess, I thought when I agreed, maybe it would make me feel happy too. I was wrong lol. Like, SO wrong. Which, believe it or not… happens a lot! Apparently me and judgement don’t really get along well. Anyway, I just wanted to see what you thought about it? _

_ Kira _

 

Rey had come to realize rather quickly that she loved hearing his take on things. His mind was an interesting and brilliant place, his thoughts so sincere that she lapped them up like a kitten with hot milk. It was clear he saw the world differently from her, but still had the same views. Which, within itself, was a complete contradiction. But it was true. 

Rey quickly messaged Finn, confirming she would be at the bar in about thirty minutes as she continued to try and calm herself down as best as she could. She wasn’t going to drink. It was a bad idea. A depressant, which she really didn’t need. Her brain already did that for her most of the time anyway, not needing any extra help. Besides, with all the meds she was currently taking, it just wasn’t a good idea. At their local they did a nice non-alcoholic beer, and that would have to suffice while she inevitably watched her friends get shitfaced without a care in the world. 

She hated to say that she envied them, because that just seemed too harsh. But, when she watched them going on with their lives, she definitely felt something in her chest—a deep, throbbing pain, like a hole that was aching to be filled. When she was with Dr. Ren or texting Ben, the hole didn’t seem as large as it was when she was left alone. 

“You sound fucking ridiculous,” she said to herself as she shook her head. “Do you always have to talk to yourself? Yes? Okay. Well, you make zero sense, like, eighty percent of the time soooo…” 

Yes, it was confirmed. Right now she was having a full-on conversation with herself in the mirror. It wasn’t the craziest thing she had ever done. In fact, it was rather tame for her. She scanned her outfit quickly, not exactly happy with how she looked, but deciding that it would have to do. Rey had never had the luxury of being able to afford any nice, expensive clothes. Any money that she did make always went straight to things that actually mattered, like rent, food, and now her phone. Which, was now slowly moving closer and closer to the top of the list.  **  
**

She pulled her high-waisted jeans even further up her stomach and made sure that her cream blouse was tucked into it. She’d ended up having to put a black tank-top on underneath it, realizing too late that she hadn’t actually washed any bras and her only option was her black one. A cream blouse plus a black bra didn’t exactly work with her plan to stay out of sight and garner no unnecessary attention; it would only have the opposite effect. She had a small pair of flat shoes she could put on with it; there was a hole in the bottom of them, but no one could see it, so in her eyes they were wearable. She had been meaning to try and fix them, but any free time she had at the moment was either spent reading or obsessing over her messages from Ben. Smaller tasks that she normally used to keep herself busy had fallen to the backburner.  

Her phone buzzed on the shelf and she jumped excitedly, snatching it up and smiling when she saw Ben’s name on her screen. It was strange that she was getting all worked up over this, but she wasn’t going to look too deeply into it yet. It just felt nice to have something that was hers, a friend who didn’t know just how much of a colossal fuck up she really was. Things that she had done in her past didn’t matter as much with him; there was no judgement, which was exactly what she needed right now. 

_ Kira, I would love to turn around to you and say that I had put other people before myself, even if it made me uncomfortable. The truth is, I haven’t. You know this makes you a nice person, right? Much nicer than I will ever be, though I knew that already from the moment you messaged me back. Can I ask, why do you do it if it makes you uncomfortable? If they are your friends, would they not want to make you feel good? I don’t really have friends. I have one, but he is more a pain in the ass than anything else. We are both selfish, so I can honestly say that I don’t get that at all. I think it is a good thing though and that your friends are very lucky to have you. That I am lucky to have you. _

_ Ben _

She gripped her phone, the last line making her heart beat wildly, a sweet sensation flowing throughout her body at his words. He felt lucky to have her. No one had ever said that before, ever. Her parents certainly hadn’t thought it. But him, Ben, this stranger, he did, and it meant something to her. Something so beautiful. 

She read it over and over, feeling a soft sense of calm wash over her. Suddenly, the bar didn’t seem just as scary as it did earlier. In fact, life in general didn’t seem as scary. Not when someone had said they were lucky to have her as a friend. That changed things for her, made her feel wanted, made her feel like for a change she was actually helping someone instead of always being the cause of everything shit in people’s lives. Which, her friends had of course never outright said to her, but sometimes it felt left unsaid. They all had great jobs, relationships, a general purpose in life. They wanted to go out, go away for the weekend… but she always held them back. Especially with what had happened when she was hospitalised. It had been Finn that had found her, after all, and she was sure he would never forget it. She sure as hell wouldn’t. 

The fact that all her friends still wanted her in their lives was nothing short of a miracle. Ben had said they were lucky to have her, but honestly, it was the other way about. Rey was the lucky one and she knew it. But with Ben she thought that maybe, just maybe, she could believe him when he said it to her. She had been there for him, hoping that her messages would help him, and it seemed in some way they had. It felt good. She wished she could help him even more. Just like how Dr. Ren helped her. 

Quickly checking the time, she typed out another message to him before getting ready to finally leave. 

_ Ben, I am lucky to have you too. I hope you know that. And, I don’t want to be stepping over a line here, but I have to say, your father would have felt the exact same. You say you are selfish, not a good person, but I completely disagree with you. You have a big heart. I may not know you very well, and I know we have only been speaking a short while, but I can see it as clear as the blue in the sky; you, Ben, are a good person. If you take anything away from this friendship, then please take that. Also, to answer your question, I do it because I love them. They have done so much for me over the years, things that I will never be able to fully repay them for. So, the way I see it, doing something I may not exactly like for them, for one night, well, it’s worth it. I am heading out now, but I would love to message you again when I am home. I hope you have a good night, Ben.  _

_ Kira x _

She looked at the small kiss after her name for longer than she should have, before thinking ‘fuck it’ and pressing the send button. It was a friendly kiss, to let him know that she cared. He wouldn’t read any more than that into it. She was sure. It didn’t mean anything. She just hoped he believed her: that he  _ was _ good. It seemed that he was like her with those pesky walls, especially around people he loved. Only one of many things they seemed to have in common. 

She had just put on her small blazer, picked up her bag and gone to open the door when her phone beeped again in her hand.

_ Please message me, please. If you say you can see my goodness as clear as the blue sky, then your light can only make you the sun. Radiant, warm and so bright. Thank you. Have a good night, Kira. I look forward to hearing from you, always. _

_ Ben xx _

Two kisses. Two fucking kisses. 

She nearly fainted from happiness on the spot.

* * *

****  
  


Her happiness disappeared as soon as she walked into the crowded bar. She had only been here for ten minutes and she was already fidgeting uncontrollably, peeling the label off the non-alcoholic beer in small bits and then arranging them on the wooden table in front of her, refusing to look up unless spoken to directly. 

She could fully admit her behaviour was odd, she just couldn’t help it. It wasn’t something she could just switch on and off as she pleased. It ruled her, not the other way around. And right now her anxiety was playing complete and utter havoc on her. The loudness of the bar didn’t help, people shouting over to their friends, some of them singing along to the shit music. Behind them was a group of men, clearly finished at the office for another week and celebrating  _ something.  _ She couldn’t focus on what, their loud cheering and slurred words not making much sense. Every time one of them shouted—which was often—Rey jumped without fail. She looked out of the corner of her eye and noticed her friends watching her intently, which only made the entire situation even worse.  **  
**

What was it Ben had said? That she was the sun? And two, yes,  _ two _ kisses. She just had to think of that and she would be able to get through this. She lifted her head, still holding onto the bottle with a death grip as she stared at her friends.  **  
**

“So, are you both excited to finally move in together?”  **  
**

She looked between Finn and Poe, who seemed ecstatic that she had even spoken. And without a second breath they both burst into a full breakdown of how they were going to set up their new space… with a games room, of course. She gave them a sly look when they mentioned it, both of them turning a shade of red before moving onto the china patterns they were arguing over.  **  
**

Rey didn’t mean to be rude, she really didn't, but she kind of zoned out. Her friends talking away became background noise as she retreated in on herself. It was easier this way, to let them think she was listening and not having a full-on panic attack. Her legs were shaking, she could feel them, along with the sweat that was starting to gather at the back of her neck. She couldn’t focus on one thing, but she needed to ground herself somehow, she just didn’t know how. There was just  _ too _ much going on.  **  
**

The group behind her laughed loudly and she jumped again, this time standing up and turning around to face them. She hadn’t meant to. She didn’t want to engage with them under any circumstance, but it had been an involuntary reaction. The men at the table looked up at her, confused, before going back to their conversation, too drunk to care, and for that she was incredibly thankful.

“Reyby? Are you okay?” Rose asked, looking at her with wide eyes. 

Rey felt awful. She felt like the room was swallowing her whole. Like everyone was whispering about her. Like she wasn’t wanted. Her mind was starting to unravel, and she couldn’t stand it. But of course, being the person that she was, she didn’t tell her friends any of that—instead, she lied. **  
**

“Yes, I just need the toilet. I’ll be back.”  **  
**

She didn’t wait for their reply as she started to walk through the crowd. People were pushing her from side to side, too drunk to care as they made their way through the busy bar. She didn’t like being touched. Not by anyone. Not unless she herself initiated it. And right now people were rubbing shoulders with her, pressing their hands on her to get past, and she was starting to lose it; tempted to just rock in a ball on the floor, until everyone else left.  **  
**

“You are the sun,” she whispered to herself. “You can do this.” 

She pulled her phone out, scrolling through her photos to find the grounding exercise she had saved earlier today for this exact situation.

_ Five things you can see. _

“People.” 

Her voice was barely a whisper, so she knew no one would be able to hear over the loud music and chatter, but she was past caring even if they did. 

“Glasses. Chairs. Kegs. Pinball machine.”

_ There, that’s the first five done _ , she thought, and continued to try and make her way to the small corridor where the offices, kitchen, and toilets were. 

_ Four things you can feel. _

This was certainly an easy one. It always had been. She always felt  _ too _ much and she knew it. Every emotion possible flying through her within a ten minute period. She was working on it, though. Just like she was trying to work through this right now, her hands shaking uncontrollably.

“Angry. Sad. Scared. Alone,” she rhymed off quickly, finally making it to the opening and away from the large groups of people.

The doors to the kitchen were of course closed, as were the offices, so the next one was a little tricky, but luckily she could still hear what was going on in the bar behind her. 

_ Three things you can hear. _

She was staggering now. Anyone seeing her would come to the conclusion she was pissed, just like everyone else here. That made her feel slightly better, and ironically she wondered if mid-panic attack she actually fit in more. Wouldn’t that be hilarious and just her luck? **  
**

“Music.  _ Shit _ music. People shouting about soccer. And my heart, beating in my chest.”  **  
**

Rational Rey wanted to high-five herself over how close she was to making it to the end. She was also insanely proud of herself for still being on her feet, even if she was holding onto the wall for dear life. She had still come further than she ever had before, and that in itself was an achievement. However, the irrational part of her, the one that was ruling her right now, was making her panic even more, because more than likely she wasn’t going to make it to the end. She was going to fail. Like she always did.  **  
**

“Fuck,” she said loudly, her hands flying to her face to push the hair out of it. Her skin felt cool but in a very unhealthy way… which didn’t tie up to the fact she was sweating buckets.  **  
**

_ Two things you can smell. _

“Desperation. Shit Nachos.” 

She was at one. Never been this far before. She couldn’t hold the phone still as she checked the last step, having to squint her eyes to read as her eyesight grew hazy. This was a bad one, a really bad one, and of course she had to have it  _ here _ .  **  
**

_ One thing you taste.  _ **  
**

Taste? She couldn’t taste anything? She had left her beer bottle at the table, she didn’t have any food on her… she had nothing.  **  
**

“No, no, no, no, no! Fuck, please, no.”  **  
**

She half-thought about storming into the kitchen and shoving the first thing she saw in her mouth. Anything to get her to the end. She needed to. She had to. She was starting to slide down the wall, this was it. She was going to be found here. Probably left here. She might even be hospitalised again… it was clear she was  _ not _ coping. **  
**

“Rey?”  **  
**

Two large hands fell on her waist to steady her, lift her back up. Normally, she would have pulled back, but not from him.  _ Him _ . Why was he here? Why? **  
**

“Dr. Ren?” she choked out.  **  
**

How was this possible? This man was just always there, saving her, being there for her. It was like he was her guardian angel, even though he looked like the devil incarnate.  **  
**

“Rey? What’s happening?” He looked worried, crazed even. His hand held her face as he tried to catch her gaze.  **  
**

“Name one thing you can taste,” she whispered and held up her phone to him.  **  
**

She could see how quickly he fit the dots together; that she was indeed having a panic attack and he had found her in the middle of it. The look on his face, it was grounding all by itself, in the most beautiful way, but still… right now, not enough for how deep and fast she was falling.  **  
**

“What?” **  
**

“I —I,  fuck, I am at one thing you can taste and… fuck, there is nothing and I need — I need to finish it. I need to, I — ” she was rasping, hardly able to breathe as he held onto her, his grip strong but not bruising; it let her know that he was present. 

“Taste something,” he said quickly, and she could see he was panicking himself, not the controlled man she was so used to seeing every Thursday. Right now, he was something else entirely. She could see just how much he wanted to help her, she was sure he would do anything. **  
**

“I’m sorry,” she said for many reasons, the main one being that she was even  _ considering _ what she was about to do. **  
**

And she could tell by his eyes that he knew it too, the deep brown turning a shade darker as she continued to shake in his strong arms. He nodded, and she knew there and then that he wanted to help her in any way possible. **  
**

So she did what she had to.  **  
**

Rey leaned forward quickly, capturing his lips with her own and kissing him ferociously, wanting to taste him, wanting to finish the stupid grounding exercise and see just how good it would make her feel. Dr. Ren wasn’t really moving at first, his posture stiff as she nipped at his bottom lip. In all fairness, she wasn’t all that sure what she was even doing. She just knew that if she wanted to get past this moment, then she needed to do this.

Her tongue flicked out of her mouth, licking his lower lips and begging for entrance, to taste him like she needed to. That small movement seemed to change him, seemed to bring him back to the surface as he lifted her small frame up fully into his arms, pushing her against the wall as he greedily entered her mouth, giving her everything she wanted and by god, she took it all, drinking him in.  **  
**

He tasted better than she had ever imagined. She knew from being in close proximity with him on a weekly basis that he always  _ smelled _ good, but this, well, this was something else entirely. She couldn’t even really put a name to the taste… except that it was all  _ him. _ **  
**

She could feel her heart beating again, but this time it was for a completely different reason. The panic she had once felt was slowly starting to dissipate into thin air. She wasn’t consumed with thoughts of how unworthy of anything she was; she was just consumed with  _ him _ . The large, handsome man who was pushing against her as he kissed her as if his life depended on it. The man that was also her therapist.  **  
**

He pulled back before she did, breathing loudly against her lips, his eyes on fire. He looked conflicted, he looked broken… he looked confused.  **  
**

“You. The one thing I can taste, it’s you. I did it. You helped me,” she whispered.  **  
**

He didn’t speak. Instead, he nodded, the panic shifting from her and transferring over to him as he dropped her down, his hands shaking as he fully processed what had just happened. **  
**

“I need to go,” he said, urgently, not looking at her as he all but ran away.  **  
**

Her fingers grazed her moist lips. Her panic attack was gone, and even though everything was sure as hell blown to shit with Dr. Ren, she couldn’t help but think that if she was indeed the sun, then he was the moon, and that, what had just happened, was an eclipse.  **  
**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO... THAT HAPPENED. 
> 
> And it is going to complicate things even more. If you thought that possible. We have Ben PoV next, which is going to be very insightful after what just happened, as well as another therapy session.
> 
> Please let me know what you think. I legit live off your feedback on this lmao.
> 
> Thanks for reading <3 <3


	8. Where Is The Light?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A week late, I know... RL was mega, mega busy and I was in Berlin with my girls for the weekend. Had an amazing time! I have also had big changes in work, so not been around as much. Thank you SO much to you all for that amazing response to the kiss in the last chapter. I had been SUPER nervous about it and hearing all your amazing comments just blew me away.
> 
> Thank you to these two babes that make my life [RebelRebel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RebelRebel/pseuds/RebelRebel)  
> and [Ever-so-reylo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ever_So_Reylo/pseuds/Ever-so-reylo)  
> ILU <3
> 
> One of my absolute FAV people and authors made my giffy moodboard and I am obsessed with it as I am her. [Dalzo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dalzo/pseuds/Dalzo)  
> YOU ARE THE REAL MVP <3
> 
> We jump to Kylo's POV now, which was pretty tough for me to write as he is in a rather dark place. As always, please mind the tags and thank you for all of you support <3

 

**Chapter Eight - Where Is The Light?**

 

“You fucking idiot!” Kylo roared as he stormed into his apartment. 

He had ran home from the bar, pushing past anyone that stood in his way. He’d had to get away from her, from the entire situation that had spun so rapidly out of control. He’d fucked everything up, like he always did. His family had been completely right about him.  **  
**

Kissing your client? Never a good fucking idea. He had a duty of care to her, he was supposed to protect her and then… well,  _ that _ had happened. Not that he could have ever expected it. It wasn’t like he knew she was going to be at that exact bar — she’d said she barely ever went out, and he knew why. That was part of being her therapist after all… he knew things about her, deep and important things, and then he’d just gone and pushed her against wall and rutted against her like a goddamn animal. **  
**

But she had looked so…  _ beautiful _ . So fucking happy that he was there. And when she’d kissed him, he’d lost all sense of the fact that he was her therapist. Instead, it was just him and her, no boundaries between them, none of the other bullshit that would normally hold him back. He wanted her. He had since the first moment he’d laid eyes on her, lying in that hospital bed, looking so lost and sad. Every part of her called to him that day, called to the fact that he wanted to help her. He wanted to make her smile. He just…wanted her. It was an impossible situation. **  
**

Then and there he should have asked to be reassigned. He should have said there was a conflict of interest and passed her off to another therapist that wouldn’t look at her like she was their entire world. But he hadn’t, of course. He wasn’t nearly that selfless. Never had been. He couldn’t let her go. He couldn’t not see her every week. **  
**

He’d fucked up so much with her. The line that he tried to stay behind was now blown to smithereens. He shouldn't have let it happen. He should have said no and helped her ride out the panic attack in another way. He most certainly shouldn’t have nodded his head, confirming it was okay for her to kiss him.  **  
**

“You shouldn’t have kissed her back, fuck sake!”  **  
**

He really shouldn’t have. He could lose his license for this…he could lose  _ her _ . And Kylo sure as hell wasn’t ready to lose another person he cared about. It had been bad enough losing his father. He was still broken, unhinged… a fucking mess. Losing Rey would only make that pain in his chest increase to an unbearable amount.  **  
**

Which, in itself, was so wrong. He shouldn’t be feeling like this, never should have let his feelings get this strong. But the more he talked to her, the more he saw her… the more she imprinted on his heart and soul.   **  
**

Kylo walked over to the liquor cabinet, pulling out a bottle of whiskey and tearing it open. He took a long drink, enjoying the amber liquid burning down his throat. Drinking was the other problem, one he thought he had quit, but was now slowly starting to work its way into his life again. It didn’t help that things kept spinning so wildly out of control. He couldn’t grasp onto anything except this bottle and the fact that he was going to drink the entire thing. **  
**

He had some serious thinking to do. Figuring out what to do about this Rey situation couldn’t be done sober. For any big decisions he had to make in his life, he’d always ran to alcohol to help him. He was well aware of the fact. And right now, he wasn’t strong enough to resist it. He needed the help. He could phone his mom or his uncle…but he didn’t want to hear what they would have to say on the subject. Kylo imagined a lot of disappointment, and maybe even a threat to put in a complaint about him. And he wouldn’t blame them if they did. **  
**

What kind of therapist was he, that he let this happen? Not a good one, contrary to popular belief. Rey wasn’t just like any other client, though. She was different. He wasn’t a creep, someone who used their patients like this. He would never have dreamed of doing anything like this before her; professionalism and the best interests of his patients had always been what was important to him.  **  
**

“Then why is Rey so different?” Kylo asked himself out loud, taking another swig and then slamming the bottle down on the counter in the kitchen.  **  
**

That was the billion dollar question. And one that had many, many answers. Some he wasn’t ready to face, and others that just made him feel sick to his stomach. This wasn’t supposed to happen. Ever. He’d had everything planned out in his life. Relationships… love… that wasn’t supposed to be part of it. Kylo had decided a long time ago that he would be better off alone; especially after watching the relationship between his parents. Their love had been so intense, but also so toxic. Arguments, make-ups, break-ups; a constant cycle that neither of them ever broke away from.  **  
**

In the end, they had definitely grown even closer, but Kylo guessed that’s what happened when someone you loved had a terminal illness. At least, that was what normal people did. Not Kylo: if anything, it only made him pull away even more. Something he would be ashamed of for the rest of his life. And now he could add kissing Rey to that list.  **  
**

He wasn’t ashamed of her, never her, but of himself and the fact he had lost control around her. He’d imagined kissing her, hundreds of times; when she sat there in his office, her legs crossed and her hair up in those three messy buns that she loved. Any time she chewed that bottom lip he thought of taking over, of biting it softly and being wrapped around her. Then, of course, he would berate himself, feel shame for thinking that way. She was younger than him by quite a few years, but it wasn’t even that...in normal circumstances he could have gotten past that. The thing he would never get over was: what if  _ she _ thought he had taken advantage of her? **  
**

“FUCK!” He grabbed the bottle again, screaming profanities as he stormed over to his bed, sitting on the edge and holding his head in his hands. **  
**

He wouldn’t be able to handle it, if she thought that. He wouldn’t take advantage of her, ever. But it could look that way to others, couldn’t it? They would see him as some slimy man preying on a vulnerable young woman.  **  
**

His eyes started to water, tears he didn’t want to spill gathering and making him feel everything so much more intensely than he wanted to. If  _ she _ , if  _ Rey _ thought that he had taken advantage, he didn’t know what he would do. He was so adamant in his head that he hadn’t. That he would never cause her any sense of pain or hurt. Anything he did, his actions, everything... was to help her. But things had gone too far, and now he was lost, drowning; and there was so no one there to save him. 

Kylo Ren had never really had a panic attack; not a proper one, anyway. Until now. And he was going to let it consume him; take everything if it wanted to. He would pay any price. He fell to the carpeted floor, his knees hitting the soft fabric as he wailed out loud and cried like he had never cried before.

His father may be gone, his family estranged… but this, this was the first time that Ben Solo had really lost himself. 

* * *

**  
** He’d spent the night drinking, then crying, then drinking again. So deep in his own head that he had completely forgotten to even check his phone. Pushing the covers off of his body, he swayed as he stood up, finding his jacket still thrown on the hall floor as he picked it up and took out the small device.  **  
**

For the first time in twelve hours he had a small smile on his face: Kira had messaged him and really, it was just what he needed right now. But the frown quickly returned when he thought about what she would think of what he did. Probably never talk to him again. His hands shook as he thought of losing her, too. Sure, he didn’t really  _ know _ her, not in the physical sense, but over the past week or so, she had become a big part of his life. Something that he looked forward to, and up until now he’d only ever felt that with Rey.  **  
**

He shook his head, trying not to think of Rey as he opened the message from Kira, his heart beating wildly.

_ <Kira> _

_ Ben, I have seriously fucked up. I did something that I really shouldn’t have and now I think that someone I really like might hate me. It’s not a nice feeling. Do you ever just get so swept up in something and then immediately regret what you did? So, yes. My night did not go to plan and I have a lot of apologising and examining of my behaviour to do. It doesn’t feel great, but also… and this is the worst part…it also felt amazing. It’s a long, complicated story, but yeah, I am just feeling super conflicted right now and I don’t know what to do. I hope you are having a nice night. I missed messaging with you. _

_ Kira x _

 

He took a deep breath and laughed softly; honestly, this woman just understood everything. It sounded like she had experienced a similar night to his. Though he was sure that hers didn’t include a kiss that should have never happened. She probably had made a small, minor mistake, like normal people did. Not imploded her entire life with one stupid move. 

His stomach felt off, like if he moved too much the liquid sloshing around in there would make its way back up his body. A hangover. He deserved it. He deserved worse. He staggered back to bed, deciding he was going to stay there most of the day. He had mentioned to his mother he would go for Sunday dinner again, but quickly messaged her to cancel. He couldn’t face anyone, not yet. 

He took a long drink from the bottle of water he found on the side of his bedside table; it was warm, old, and tasted rotten, but hopefully, it would help his thumping headache. He still hadn’t come to a decision on what to do about Rey. The most reasonable one would be to get her transferred, but he just didn’t want to. He needed to see her, to face her and discuss what had happened. They could talk about a transfer, see what she thought on the matter. She might even ask for one herself, without talking to him. He would understand it if she did. Rey had every right. 

The dread he felt about Thursday’s appointment festered in his already sick stomach, and as he tried to forget about it, at least for a little while, he went to message Kira. 

_ I am smiling right now, which sounds awful as I know you are upset. But, you won’t believe this; the exact same thing happened to me last night! So, at least we are in good company. Do you want to talk about what happened? If it’s any consolation, I am sure it isn’t as bad as what I did. I potentially fucked my entire career… so, yeah. Idiot doesn’t even cover it. I am trying to get my mind off it, but don’t know how. Any ideas?  _

_ Ben x _

His message was shorter than previous messages, but honestly he didn’t really want to get into what he had done with Kira. He already hated himself and he didn’t need anyone else to feel the same, especially Kira, who at the moment was the only person in his life who actually liked him. Another sad thing; his only friend was someone he had never even met. But it didn’t make her any less special.  **  
**

Her reply was almost instant, and he liked that; she didn’t make him wait, didn’t play any games. She was a good friend. **  
**

 

_ <Kira> _

_ SNAP! We make bad life decisions. Seriously though, I will keep my fingers crossed that everything works out for you. And you do the same for me, please. Oh, okay, so I was thinking… we could watch a movie together? _

Kylo sat up straighter. Did she mean for them to meet up? Go to the movies? Because as much as he was enjoying their conversations, he wasn’t ready for that yet. Besides, he’d opened up so much to her, and he knew that as soon as they met he would go in on himself; it always happened.  **  
**

He quickly thought up his excuses… coming up blank.

_ How can we watch a movie together? _

Kylo quickly sent the text, deciding to wait to see what she proposed first before jumping in… he didn’t want to fuck up another relationship so soon after the last one. 

_ <Kira> _

_ OH, did you think meet up in person? NO WAY. No offense, but like… you could be a murderer or something. NO. I meant, we start a movie at the same time, on our respective TVs, in our respective homes, and then talk about it.  _

Kylo laughed out loud and felt instantly relieved; she really was a breath of fresh air, and a welcome one. His nerves had almost been shot to hell thinking about letting her down, and he was happy he wouldn’t have to.

_ Okay, for the record, not a murderer… but, agreed. You could be a catfish and turn out to be my sixty year old male neighbor who never showers. In regards to the movie; count me in! You pick and I’ll buy on Amazon.  _

He reached over to pick up the remote for his TV and turned it on, loading up the Amazon Prime app. He hardly ever used it, didn’t have much time for these things, so he quickly had to update his payment information as he waited on her reply. Kylo prayed she wouldn’t pick some chick flick, because his hangover wouldn’t be able to stand something like  _ Love Actually _ …

_ <Kira> _

_ I am definitely NOT sixty, or male… but you never know, I could be your neighbor lol. Okay, so hear me out. My fav film is Silver Linings Playbook. Have you ever seen it? _

He hadn’t, quickly googling the title to see what it was about. The results came back showing it starred Robert De Niro and Bradley Cooper; he didn’t need to know anything else—he was in. 

_ Cooper? De Niro? I’m game. Say we press play in precisely five minutes? Gives me time to get some snacks.  _

_ Ben  _

He quickly jumped out the bed, his hangover suddenly a lot easier to deal with as he jogged to the kitchen and collected some chips, soda, and anything sweet he could find in his cupboards. If he was going to have a movie night with Kira, then he was going to do it right.

Checking his phone and noticing he had two minutes to spare, he rushed back to the bedroom, jumping under his duvet, getting comfy. 

_ <Kira> _

_ You ready? If you think you fucked up your life last night...just wait till you see what Pat and Tiffany get up to. It might not make you feel as bad. Or at least you’ll find it relatable.  _

He doubted it, though he wouldn’t be telling her that. He wasn’t sure that anything could stop him from feeling bad for what had transpired; what annoyed him even more was that whenever he thought about the incident, he remembered how her lithe body felt against his, how she moaned into his mouth—how  _ she _ tasted.  **  
**

He shook his head for what felt like the hundredth time that day, and instead of analyzing this situation with Rey he decided to focus on his friend Kira. **  
**

 

_ If you say so. And I’m ready. Press play a minute after I send this.  _

_ Ben _

His phone pinged instantly. 

_ <Kira> _

_ Deal.  _

* * *

****  
  


The credits were rolling and Kylo’s hangover was gone, instead replaced by fat tears that he could feel on his cheeks. It was clear he must have had some sort of insane breakthrough after crying so much last night, and that he now couldn’t stop. It was ridiculous, really. How a man who hadn't cried since he was a young boy had now cried twice in the space of twenty-four hours — the worst part being that one of the times was at a goddamn film. 

He quickly wiped his face, trying to get a hold of himself. He and Kira has messaged the entire time, back and forth. It had been an extremely enjoyable experience and had taken his mind off things for a bit.  **  
**

The movie itself was fascinating, especially as it dealt with people who suffered from mental health problems. He secretly loved the fact they had found love through each other’s weaknesses. The characters showed each other the worst parts of themselves, but it didn’t matter; they still fell in love.  **  
**

He’d always been a cynic about shit like that—until Rey. And the film, well, it just spoke to him, to how he was feeling, and gave him a sense of hope he hadn’t had earlier that day. 

_ <Kira> _

_ So, what did you think? Truthfully? Any parts that stick out to you?  _

Kylo thought back through the film, the one bit that resonated with him the most coming to his mind as he typed out his reply.

_ Honestly? I loved it. Bradley Cooper was amazing, his performance and struggles were so raw. I think my favorite part was when he spoke about the word Excelsior; how he was going to take all the negativity and use it as fuel and find a silver lining. He’s got it right, you know? That’s what we should be doing. You with your problem and me with mine. Try, if we can, to find a good thing with what we did.  _

And he would. Even though the entire thing still made him feel physically ill—he would try and find a silver lining.  **  
**

He thought back again to the previous night, the panic he had seen on Rey’s face when he’d found her mid-panic attack. She’d been so scared, so lonely, and the way her eyes had lit up when she’d seen him — it had been life-altering for him. He wanted to be her saviour, and last night he had been. He may have fucked up in most respects, but the one thing he could take from this, his one silver lining, was that he’d helped her when she needed it most.  **  
**

And he would stop himself, with everything in him, from thinking about her perfect, soft lips, or her small tits that he imagined taking in his entire mouth, or the fact that he was now so hard in his pants that he needed some sort of relief. 

He’d bury it; instead he’d face her next week and he’d solve this issue like an adult...whatever the consequences. 

_ <Kira> _

_ I like that idea. My silver lining, which is awful… is how much I enjoyed it.  _

He tried to remind himself of what his was. He really did, but instead…  instead he replied with the truth. 

_ Mine too. _

_ Ben _

****  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gaaaah… he is SO confused. Next up is the therapy meeting, what do you all think will happen?
> 
> I can't wait to hear what you think and thank you for reading <3


	9. The Ugly Things I Do

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey lovely people, apologies for the lateness of this chapter. My amazing betas actually had it back last week, but I've not been well. 
> 
> I honestly can't say thank you enough for all the amazing comments, they really keep me going. And, to all the people who have reached out to tell me their own story, I appreciate you more than you know. 
> 
> I have the two best betas ever and I love them so much. I can honestly say that this story would be NOTHING without them. [RebelRebel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RebelRebel/pseuds/RebelRebel)  
> and [Ever-so-reylo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ever_So_Reylo/pseuds/Ever-so-reylo)  
> are my badass angels <3
> 
> Okay, so please read the tags. This chapter was super hard for me to write, Rey is NOT her best self here and yeah, all aboard the pain train.

**Chapter Nine - The Ugly Things I Do**

 

Rey checked the clock again; she had ten minutes of her shift at Plutt’s left, and then she would have to make her way to see Dr. Ren. She’d hardly slept the night before, imagining what she was going to say to him when she saw him.  **  
**

She had briefly thought about cancelling but knew that she had to face what she had done. The entire thing had been a gut reaction to her grounding exercise, and it hadn’t helped that he had just looked so  _ good _ . And when he had pushed her against that wall, and she had felt him,  _ all _ of him...it was something she could still feel through every square inch of her body. **  
**

Rey was completely aware she had fucked up as soon as he had stormed away so quickly she hadn’t been able to call his name. She just wasn’t sure what she could say to make this right. All she did know was that she couldn’t lose him. She needed him. He was the only one that could help her, she truly believed that.  **  
**

He would try and assign her to a new therapist; that would be his best option, and Rey knew that. But she was ready to do anything to get him to reconsider. The thought of trying to talk to someone else about how she was feeling, someone that wasn’t Dr. Ren, just didn’t sit right with her. It made the panic bubble within her chest. He’d been there for her through everything and had helped her drastically.  **  
**

“Are you almost done?” The Blob called to her from the front of the shop, and she jumped. He had a steady record of scaring her, always shouting at her when she was deep in thought. **  
**

Plutt popped his head around the door to stare at her. “You look like shit.”  **  
**

Rey rolled her eyes at Captain Obvious; of course she looked like shit, but that didn’t mean it was okay for people to tell her that. It should be some sort of unspoken rule between humans. But then again, she would hardly call her asshat of a boss a human being, or a decent one, even.  **  
**

“I’m aware.”  **  
**

“Why?” **  
**

“None of your business,” she replied coldly and huffed at the fact he was still here, lingering.  **  
**

“It is my business when you are too out of the game to actually do your job, girl,” he seethed, his beady eyes still staring at her. **  
**

What she would give to leave this place. To open her own shop. For one, it wouldn’t be ridiculously overpriced like this place. And also, it would be something to call her own. She could fix whatever she wanted, whenever she wanted, without having to answer to anyone. It was a pipe dream, she knew that. She would never have enough money to go off on her own — she barely had enough to buy a proper dinner and pay her rent. Which was going to be another problem, because when Finn finally moved out she would no longer be able to afford her current apartment. It was true what they said: when it rained, it poured.

“I did my job just fine. Everything is fixed and I’ll be done with this before I finish up, but you’re putting me off. Leave, please.” She stuck a sweet smile on her face, but her eyes told Plutt her true meaning. And luckily he complied, grunting under his breath as he hobbled back out to the front. 

She didn’t know why he even bothered talking to her. Though, to be fair, he only did it when he wanted to make her feel like shit. It was a power thing, she assumed. Some people just seemed to live off of it. If she was ever a boss, had her own staff, she would never treat them this way. Rey would be kind, understanding and supportive. She would be everything that Plutt wasn’t and more. **  
**

Rey may not have had parents to teach her these things, but she had figured them out on her own. It turned out that as much as she loathed it, she was pretty good at being alone and independent. She could look after herself, scrape by with whatever she had. It only made her even more thankful for the things that she did have. 

She looked at the clock again. Only a few minutes left until she had to leave and make her way to the clinic. Her hands were starting to shake, and she was unable to lock her screwdriver onto the remaining screw. It was frustrating, how something so simple, something that was like second nature to her, was taking her longer to do because of her stupid fears. 

She wished she could be brave. That she could march into Dr. Ren’s office and explain how she really felt. That she liked him, more than liked him. Of course, that would only end in complete and utter disaster. It’s not like they could ever be together, and she knew he wouldn’t even want to if he could. After all, he was successful, handsome, accomplished and she was poor, a nobody. Nothing. It would never be. Which ultimately made her decide to stay mute on the subject. She could put her feelings aside, she could. She could be professional. 

Because Rey, she learned things quickly; she was good at shutting down her emotions, another thing she had had to learn by herself. 

* * *

****  
  


“Dr. Ren will see you now,” Bitchine’s cool voice called over to Rey. She was still being sickly sweet to her and Rey wondered if she had to glue her mouth to open  _ that _ wide. 

She nodded and took a deep breath as she stood up and made her way down the long corridor to Dr. Ren’s office. She was walking slower than usual, trying to put off the inevitable. This couldn’t be the last time she saw him. She wouldn’t be able to handle it. He had to keep her, he had to help her. She would beg, honestly, she would. **  
**

Once she was outside his door, she knocked loudly, a small part of her hoping that he wasn’t in there. If he sent her away, if he ended their sessions, she would have a breakdown in front of him, she was sure of it. She didn’t know how to navigate life without him guiding her and it scared her, all of it did; the fact that she depended on one person so much. She knew deep down that it wasn’t right, but she was not ready to deal with that right now. Firstly, her priority was keeping Dr. Ren as her therapist, no matter what. 

“Come in, Rey,” his deep voice vibrated through the wooden door, and she shivered from how good it sounded. How the last time he had spoken to her their lips had been joined. 

She opened the door; it was now or never. She had to act like the kiss hadn’t affected her, because if she didn’t, then he would know. And that couldn’t happen, not if she wanted to keep him. As she walked in she looked up to find him writing furiously in his notebook, refusing to look up at her as she entered. **  
**

_ Wonderful start _ , she thought, and walked over to take her usual seat across from him. He didn’t look up, making a point of making her wait, and she could feel the tension in the room. This wasn’t going to go the way she thought; he was angry, and he had every right to be. **  
**

A few minutes passed until finally, he looked at her, his eyes lighter than the last time she saw them. He looked older, tired...probably just the same as she did, and she instantly felt a stab of guilt hat his reason for not sleeping was more than likely her. His hair was disheveled, like he had run his hands through it numerous times before she had arrived. It didn’t help that she found it incredibly sexy. It also didn’t help that he was wearing his black button-down shirt, the one that drove her crazy anytime he had it on. He was a living, breathing Adonis, and here she was, in her leggings with a hole on the inner thigh, her hair in three small buns with half of her hair hanging out. She didn’t have a stitch of make-up on her face either, so every single blemish was on show. She was a mess, and he...he was beautiful. It wasn’t fair.  **  
**

He didn’t speak. Instead, he just looked at her, probably taking in her awful appearance. Rey wasn’t sure if she should break the silence, maybe start with a joke or something,  _ hey, remember that time we kissed and you ran away and it was hilarious? _ No, definitely not a good idea. Probably make things even worse, to be honest. **  
**

“Rey, I am happy that you came today,” he finally said, and she was surprised by his opening line. 

“You are?” 

“Yes, I was worried after the  _ incident _ the other night that you might be angry at me, and I completely understand if you are…”

Rey was confused. Why would she be angry at him? He helped her. If anything, he should be the one who didn’t show up. He should be angry at her for all but forcing herself on him, knowing what it could cost him. **  
**

“Are you joking?” she asked. Again, not the right thing to say based on his raised eyebrows. 

“Do I look like I am?” he replied quickly, almost too quickly. 

“I don’t know. You don’t really make jokes, not good ones anyway,” she replied, her face in a pout as she tried not to laugh. Of course, he picked up on the fact that she was messing with him and he grunted, letting a small laugh fall from his mouth.

“Touché. Anyway. I just want to apologize for what transpired. I put you in a difficult position, and I shouldn’t have. You are my patient and I should be looking after you. You have no idea how disappointed in myself I am.” His voice was soft, but his eyes were hard, and it was throwing her off balance. **  
**

He was saying sorry, when really, he hadn’t done anything or initiated the kiss. It had been all her. She was the one at fault. The tell-tale signs of lack of sleep on his face now made complete sense; he was blaming himself.  **  
**

She huffed, pushing a stray hair out of her face as she replied, “Ky-Dr. Ren, please. I am embarrassed enough about this, please don’t make me say what we both already know.”  **  
**

He gulped, and she wondered for a moment if he was thinking about something else entirely. 

“You don’t ever need to be embarrassed, Rey. You know I am not here to judge.” 

She felt hot, sweaty...and she knew she needed to right this. 

“No, I know that. I just…look, I kissed you. This is on  _ me _ . Completely. And I am so fucking sorry. I just lost it there, and then you showed up and...well you know the rest. Please, if anything, do not beat yourself up over something that was the result of my actions.” She was trying not to sob, trying not to feel even worse over the fact she had caused him pain.

This was why she was no good. This was why she never got close to people; she ruined them. 

“Rey, no matter who initiated what, I am your therapist and what happened was completely inappropriate. I could lose my job if anyone found out. People would assume I took advantage, and I need you to know that if it came across that way, I swear to you that that thought didn’t pass my mind...that I would never take advantage of you.” He was gripping his pen hard in his hand as he spoke, and Rey’s mind was moving a mile a minute.

She could already tell she was losing him, that this had changed things between them for the worse. Which was ironic, because it had been the best kiss of her entire life. Not that she had kissed many people. A few boys in the homes growing up, then that one girl from school. She had enjoyed it, but it didn’t have the passion that Kylo had. 

Thinking back on people she had gotten close to over the years, there was a pattern, one that only pointed to her; they always left. And it was because she did fucked-up shit like this. She had been so swept up in the fact that she had finally kissed him, that she hadn’t considered the  implications as she should’ve. This had hurt him, personally and professionally. The one person she never wanted to cause pain, she had, with her stupid fucking brain and her overwhelming panic attacks that she couldn’t get a hold on. She felt defeated. 

“Dr. Ren, please, stop. You’re killing me here,” she sobbed, wracked with guilt at the idea that she could think for even a second that he would take advantage of her. 

He stood up quickly, walking to her side of the room and kneeling down so he was now facing her. She hadn’t meant to react so dramatically, but the weight of what had had happened was now on her shoulders, pushing her into the ground. She could feel herself spiralling, the thought of being without him something she couldn’t comprehend. 

“Rey, I am sorry, I never meant to—” 

She cut him off, holding onto both of his shoulders as she replied, her voice shaky, “You did nothing wrong. In fact, you saved me. I felt like I was drowning and no one was there to help me. I couldn’t stand it.” She took another breath. “And then you came, you made it better, you took the pain away. I kissed you. This is on me and I never, in a million fucking years would ever think you took advantage of me. Don’t say those things, please. I can’t stand it.” 

He hadn’t pulled away, hadn't removed her hands from his shoulders like she thought he would. Instead he sat there, staring into her eyes with the most peculiar expression on his face. Rey wasn’t sure what to make of it; he looked at her like she was special, like he cared about her a lot more than he should. Of course, she knew it was only wishful thinking on her part. She would continue to pine away over a man she would never have or be good enough for. It was unhealthy, all of it was, what she felt for him, how badly she  _ needed  _ him. But, she was too far gone to check herself; instead she roared, her insecurities flowing to the front as she reacted in the worst way possible.

“I shouldn’t have kissed you back, Rey. You know that, I know that. It was wrong. You’re my patient, I am here for your well-being, and I crossed a line. We both did. We can’t have any sort of attachment. I know we have become close over the past few months and I admit, I have been friendlier than I should have been. But I need to make sure I am putting you and your progress first. I don’t want to do this, but I need to. I think we should get you reassigned.” 

He looked pained, and Rey...well, she wailed out loud as she gripped his shoulders even harder, refusing to let him go.  **  
**

“No, please, no. Don’t go this way, I can’t, I can’t do this without you. Please.”  **  
**

He went to stand up and she held her grip, pushing forward so she was now on the floor as well, gripping onto him for dear life. It was completely embarrassing, ridiculous, and she would look back and hate herself even more than she did now. But she had meant it earlier when she said she would beg. She would do anything. Anything to keep him here, with her. This man that had made her feel the most alive she had in years. 

“Rey, please, don’t make this harder than it already is.” His hands moved to her lower waist, supporting her as she started to sob into his chest; marking her favorite shirt with her tears.  **  
**

“I can’t. I need you. I’m so sorry I fucked this up. I’ll make it better, we will never speak of it again. Just please.” Her words were coming out a jumbled mess. 

She felt pain unlike she had ever felt before. How could she go on every week without seeing him, without his guidance? Kylo made everything better. 

“I need to do what’s best for you…” he trailed off, his hands now gripping either side of her with the same intensity she was holding him with. If anyone were to walk in right now, they’d surely look completely inappropriate. But Rey didn’t care, she just needed him to hear her, to give her another chance.  **  
**

“This is what’s best for me.  _ You _ are what’s best for me. Look at how far I’ve come, I couldn’t have done it without you. It was one mistake, please. Please don’t leave me. Everyone always leaves and I can’t, I can’t take one more person that I care about disappearing from my life.” 

She was sobbing even harder now, her hands moving to grip onto the back of his hair. He was hugging her, his large arms now wrapped around her as he soothed her by rubbing small circles onto her back. She wasn’t even sure if he was aware he was doing it. **  
**

“I am not your parents, Rey. I care about you, too much.” And he meant it, but that only made the entire situation even worse. 

“Prove it.” The words left her mouth, and she could hear just how desperate she sounded, how awful. “Don’t leave me. Please.” 

She pulled back, looking up at him and the war that was currently raging in his eyes. She knew she was being selfish, that she would regret this entire thing and how she backed him into a corner, but that was better than being without him. Better than being alone.  **  
**

****  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhhhhh, so she went there. This had to happen, we have to see that Rey really is NOT in a good place. She is aware of it and so is he. He is trying to do the right thing and she is trying to keep him with her. Next up her his PoV and reaction. 
> 
> I am excited to hear what you all think.
> 
> Have a lovely week <3 <3


	10. I Dream Of Dreaming Dreams

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the three week delay, April was super busy for me writing wise and then work has been HELL. Thank you so much to everyone for all the comments, messages, support. I honestly never thought this story would touch people the way it has. I've said before, this was something that was completely cathartic for me and it's turned into so much more. Thank you.
> 
> The biggest thank you to the Reylo Fanfic Book Club for picking this story as fic of the week. I am absolutely loving talking to everyone about it and it has given me a massive boost of confidence in my writing. 
> 
> [RebelRebel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RebelRebel/pseuds/RebelRebel)  
> and [Ever-so-reylo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ever_So_Reylo/pseuds/Ever-so-reylo)  
> are my two amazing betas that I don't know what I would do without. Thank you so much for all of your help and support <3 
> 
> Please see that I have updated the tags for this chapter. In the middle we have a flashback, in italics to the first day that Ben met Rey. Please note that this deals with mentions of attempted suicide, as well as medical restraints. If you do not wish to read this, please skip the part of the story in italics.
> 
> Thank you again to everyone for reading. It seems like they are both in a really bad place right now, but it will get better. This is a story of healing and becoming the best version of yourself, but it's not easy, as we all know.
> 
> Rebecca x

**Chapter Ten - I Dream of Dreaming Dreams**

 

Kylo was fucked.

There was no other word for it, none that could actually describe what he was currently feeling. He was fucked. Rey was fucked. This entire situation was fucked. And there was nothing he could do about it. No matter what he chose, keeping her on or letting her go, he would lose, as would she. His rational brain was ordering him to stop this now, to tell her it was for the best again and again until she believed it and transfer her. But the other side of him, the one that wanted her more than he ever thought possible, the one that craved her and cared for her so hard it hurt, well, it was telling him to keep her close.

It felt like an impossible decision, the worst part being that it was one that should have been easy. He had a professional responsibility and he knew that. He practiced it constantly with all his other clients; except, Rey wasn’t just any client. She never had been and never would be, and _that_ was where the problem lay.

He stared down at her. She was still clutching onto him for dear life and it was tearing him apart. She looked so lost, so alone and completely distraught. What she was asking of him—what she was saying, it was unhealthy, it wasn’t fair of her. He knew that Rey was aware of that, but when people were faced with things they didn’t want to happen, if they felt they were about to lose something of importance to them, they did things like this; they acted irrationally, completely on impulse.

Kylo couldn’t stop himself from wiping the tears away from her face. She was so beautiful, so open, with those large hazel eyes that always made him feel like he was seeing into her soul. Which, albeit slightly damaged, was the most stunning and loveliest thing he had ever seen in his life. Rey was what her name implied; complete light. She didn’t see it, of course, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t there. His world had been full of darkness and despair; he’d never felt worse than he did after his father died until he had seen her and it was as if a small lamp had been switched on in a darkened room. Every time he saw her it became brighter and brighter.

He often wondered what would have happened if he’d met her under different circumstances, wishing for it every night before he went to sleep. Things would have been so much easier. He could have asked her out, gotten to know her the normal way, kissed her without it being for a grounding exercise. But most of all, he wouldn’t have been her therapist, someone whose job was to help her, guide her in life and in making the best decisions for her mental health. And even though she kept saying it wasn’t true; kissing him was not a good nor healthy decision. No matter how much he’d loved it, no matter that any moment he actually focused on it he could feel his dick twitch in his pants. No. It didn’t matter. What mattered was that he had let her down. He had to be strong.

He had to send her away.

“Rey, I don’t want to do this, I really don’t,” he said, trying to figure out what to say.

“You do. You want rid of me.”

A fresh wave of tears filled her eyes as Rey sobbed even harder. He could feel her shaking in his arms.

“I’m never enough,” she whispered into his chest and his heart broke all over again, pulling him instantly back to the first day he’d met her, when his entire world was turned upside down. It hadn’t rightened itself since.

 

* * *

 

_Kylo was in a bad mood. Though, that was nothing new and hadn’t been for longer than he could remember. He pulled his coat collar up to cover his neck, the cool wind irritating him even more. He was here, back at this ridiculous hospital. One he swore he would never return to again. The one whose carpark he’d sat in for three hours, sobbing. That’s what happened when you were too scared to actually go in and see your dying father. It was where cowards hid out. His mom hadn’t even known he had been here, and there was no point in telling her now._

_He walked in through the entrance, further than he had gotten that fateful day. He didn’t want to be here. He didn’t want to have to deal with anyone today. But it was his job and he didn’t exactly have a choice. He had an opening for a new patient and the state had sent him through the details of Rey Nemo. It was a weird name. Nemo for no one, he guessed._

_Before making his way to the hospital, he had quickly scanned her file; she had been in and out of the care system in England, had been in America working a few years, got into trouble a few times with the law; minor possession, disorderly conduct, and then this had happened; she had tried to take her own life. End it all._

_It was something he had dealt with before, he had many clients who had suicidal thoughts, others going as far as to harm themselves. And it never got any easier. He was never able to sit back and not struggle seeing people in pain. Of course, he hid it. He acted professionally. But it hurt. And he wanted to help them, so he did, to the best of his ability. And this Rey would be no exception._

_The police report said that her roommate and his boyfriend had found her; she’d taken pills, alcohol, a lethal mix as a way out of her cruel life. They’d known something was wrong when they had asked her to turn her music down multiple times and there was no answer. They had broken the door down and found her unconscious, sick all over her and a small note nearby on her drawers._

_Kylo knew without a doubt that those two men would carry that sight with them till the end of their days. Staring death in the face, either through someone else or yourself, was one of the scariest things in the world. He’d had many clients that had come to him for grief counselling, which was completely ironic in a way, but still, he liked helping people. He just hoped that he could get through to this girl, help her and let her know she wasn’t alone._

_He signed in at the desk and took down her room information before striding along the hallways. He took a deep breath as he stood outside the door, unsure of what he would find inside. Rey had no choice but to accept this therapy that had been offered to her; if not, she wouldn’t get out, she would end up hospitalised for even longer than she already had been; too much of a danger to herself._

_He looked through the glass panel on the door, his eyes squinting as he tried to make out the shape of a woman on the bed, the sheets wrapped tightly around her, both of her wrists tied to either side of the bed for her own protection. It was never a nice sight, but he had been updated this morning that she had tried to harm herself again._

_Kylo knocked on the door loudly before entering, deciding it would be rude to just barge in. She would be fragile enough and he wasn’t sure how this was going to go down. A lot of the time, people didn’t want to see him. They didn’t believe he would be able to help, feeling too far gone, too lost in their own head. He understood. If he were made talk to someone about his pain, well, he would more than likely lose his shit, too._

_“Rey?” he said softly, walking further into the room as he greeted her._

_He still couldn’t see her face. She was lying on her side, facing away from the door, and he wondered if she was asleep. He picked up the chart at the bottom of her bed and read the medication she was on; it was a lot, it would keep her drowsy, in and out of consciousness._

_“Rey,” he said her name again, a little louder this time._

_“Go away. I don’t want to take any more drugs,” a groggy voice replied, confirming that she was actually awake and just didn’t want to turn around._

_“I’m not one of the other doctors, I’m Dr. Kylo Ren, a psychiatrist. I’m here about your therapy."_

_He watched as she stilled. It felt like the air was being sucked out of the room. Kylo knew she had already been told of her options. Though, he had also heard she wasn’t exactly happy with either of them._

_“Great. Just what I need. Let me guess, you’re gonna fix me."_

_She still hadn’t turned around and Kylo was pretty sure she wasn’t going to. So, instead of having this conversation with the back of her head, he grabbed a chair and pulled it to her side of the bed, taking a seat._

_He lifted his head, ready to speak and give her his spiel on how he was there to help her, but as soon as he set eyes on the person in front of him, the words completely escaped him. She was young—he would say she looked around ten years his junior. She was pale, yes, her skin sticky with sweat and dark circles around her eyes, her hair up in a three bun-style that on any other occasion he would note as rather peculiar. But all of that didn’t matter. Instead, the only thing he could focus on was the fact she was the most beautiful person he had seen. Ever. Which, in itself was puzzling to him; he rarely found people attractive, or even worth noticing._

_Rey was staring back at him, but instead of looking shaken up like he was, she just seemed angry, bored, like she wanted to be anywhere else but here talking to him. His eyes scanned her wrists again, looking at the restraints holding her down. He felt uneasy, sick, that she was being held like this. It was protocol for patients that could be a danger to themselves or others, but he still didn’t like it. Though by law, they had to re-evaluate every twenty-four hours, and he hoped that when he came back tomorrow she would be free, that she would be in a better head space._

_He felt a bit hypocritical, though he always did. Especially when he helped other people get through their issues, but never bothered facing or dealing with his own. His Uncle Luke had made a few comments to him about it, usually by insulting him for letting his father down just as bad as he had. That was the thing with his family; they were all quick to point out other people’s faults and graze over their own._

_“This is a promising start."_

_Kylo was brought back down to earth as Rey spoke again, a small smile on her face. He realized that she was laughing at the fact that he hadn’t spoken a word. He took a deep breath, giving her a quick nod before replying._

_“Sorry, I just didn’t expect you to be so young,” he said, opening his briefcase and pulling out Rey’s notes along with his pen and notepad._

_“And I didn’t expect you to be so old, but here we are."_

_She was smiling again. A quick change from the girl he had seen when he had walked in. Though it made sense: up and downs in quick succession. He noted it down in his pad. He also noted that she couldn’t look him in the eye, picking up on how her fingers moved one at a time against the metal frame of the bed, and he knew that if she could, she would be fidgeting. She was nervous, overwhelmed, tired. But she tried to hide it, which only made her strong._

_“I wouldn’t say I’m old."_

_“What would you say you are then?” she replied almost instantly._

_“Someone who wants to help you."_

_“That’s cheesy.” She groaned, and lay flat on her back to stare at the ceiling._

_She was right, it was cheesy, but it didn’t make it any less true. He did want to help her, more than he had ever wanted to help anyone in his life and he couldn’t exactly pinpoint why. He had been in her presence for a little over a minute and already he knew he was going to make it his mission to get her through this dark time._

_He looked at her again, watching her watch nothing, and knew he could do this for hours. Which, sure, was very creepy, but there was something about her that calmed him; his bad mood was completely forgotten. Instead, he was filled with a sense of compassion, empathy, and longing for this beautiful girl._

_“So what if it is? Does that annoy you?” Kylo asked her in response, watching her inhale deeply._

_“This entire world annoys me, or have you not noticed?”_

_She used sarcasm as a defense, but also as a truth. It was a strange cocktail. When she said things like this, it was clear that it was to come across like she didn’t care, but she did. He could tell._

_“That’s why I’m here. To help you see that really, the world isn’t so bad.”_

_“Oh no, you’re not one of them, are you?” She finally turned her neck to look at him again, squinting her eyes._

_“One of them?”_

_“You know, the type that loves the world. Always happy. Talking about sunshine and rainbows and all that shit. You don’t look like the type, in fact, you look like the complete opposite. But, I guess looks can be deceiving. I mean, do I look like the type of girl that feels so alone it’s literally all there is? Do I look like I feel like I am constantly drowning? Like the only thing I can think about is getting out of here so I can try it again?” She was staring at him now, her gaze hard._

_He hadn’t expected this. Not at all. He expected closed, shut off...but not this. He closed his notebook, not caring that he wasn’t writing down what she was saying. Even though it was important, what he wanted to focus on more was actually being here for her, being present._

_“No. You look like you are fighting, like you are strong, like deep down you really do want to be here. And I am going to help you see that. I’m here for you, Rey. You are not alone,_ that _I promise you.”_

_He leaned over without thinking, wrapping his large hand over her own, holding onto her fingers and stopping the incessant tapping against the metal bar. He shouldn’t be touching her. At all. He didn’t ever do this. So he wasn’t sure why he was doing it now. Except, he hoped it brought Rey some comfort._

_“Thank you, Dr. Ren. But I’m beyond fixing. Nobody stays around long enough. I’m not worth it, I’m not enough for people I—”_

_“Stop. You are enough. I won’t leave. I’m all in, Rey. We will see you through this.”_

_He had never been more certain or more determined, and he vowed he would never, ever let her down._

 

* * *

  
“Rey?”

“What?” she sniffled, going back to not looking at him in the eye, and he needed to change it. He had to keep his promise.

“You are enough. You always have been. And I won’t give up on you. I meant what I said the day we met. I’m gonna be here, always.”

And she smiled. The largest and most beautiful smile he had ever seen from her, before jumping into his arms, hugging him tight against her chest.

It was a risky move, more than likely the wrong decision for him professionally, but with Rey in his arms he couldn’t find it in him to care.

He was gone for her. Just like he had been the first moment he saw her.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so, straight up, he has made the wrong decision. I know that, you know that, he knows that. He just can't help himself right now and it just makes him hate himself even more. Right now, these two are NOT good for each other, especially with the power imbalance. 
> 
> This story will NOT end this way. I promise. 
> 
> Thank you for reading, I know that was a hard one.
> 
> Please let me know what you think, I literally live off hearing from you all <3


	11. Out Of Reach

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Biggest apologies for the delay, I am apparently mega slow at writing again. Hope you are all still here and enjoying the story.
> 
> Thank you to my stunning betas [RebelRebel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RebelRebel/pseuds/RebelRebel)  
> and [Ever-so-reylo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ever_So_Reylo/pseuds/Ever-so-reylo)  
> who are the best in the business!!!
> 
> And a MASSIVE thank you to [AlbaStarGazer](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlbaStarGazer/pseuds/AlbaStarGazer)  
> for the gorgeous moodboard. My other half spoils me.
> 
> I hope you all enjoy the update <3

 

**Chapter Eleven - Out Of Reach**

 

_ Guilt _ .  **  
**

It was consuming her. Drowning her in a way she was unable to fight back, to set herself free.  **  
**

_ Triumph _ .  **  
**

It flooded through her veins and in turn only made her feel even worse. An empty win, one that seemed worth it at the time but only made things darker, bleaker and even harder to face.  **  
**

What she’d done, how she had played Dr. Ren, it was beyond fucked up and she knew it. And yet, she’d still done it. If she could turn back time she’d do it all over again. Because being this—this monster—it was better than being without him.  **  
**

“You really are  _ so _ fucked up,” she whispered to herself as she walked back to her apartment.  **  
**

They hadn’t talked much after he’d said that he would keep seeing her. Because really, what else was there to say? She could see in his eyes that he knew why she’d done it. He knew how wrong it was and yet he’d stayed with her anyway. Why? Technically, he should have palmed her off to another therapist, she knew that, had expected it.  **  
**

She was ashamed of how much she’d begged, how unstable she had been in that moment. The buzz she’d felt from the intense feelings was still floating around her and she wasn’t sure what to do with the pent up energy. She didn’t have any extra money, she didn’t have any plans. It was times like these she wished she had someone, like a boyfriend, girlfriend, or whatever. Someone to spend her time with.  **  
**

Sure, she had her friends and she loved them, but it wasn’t really the same, was it? She wanted someone to hold her, to kiss her...to do everything with her. And it was a weird feeling, one she hadn’t experienced too many times before. Which, after being alone for so long, made sense. Being fiercely independent definitely had its positives, but it also wasn’t always easy.  **  
**

Rey briefly let herself imagine Dr. Ren outside of his office. She pictured them holding hands and walking down the street, waking up in the morning next to his solid chest, him on top of her, fucking her. She shouldn’t let her mind wander there—it would never happen. It was dangerous and something she knew she shouldn’t fixate on. If he knew, he would most certainly get her transferred. And then where would she be? Her begging wasn’t always going to be that effective. It wouldn’t work a second time around.  **  
**

Still, in those weak moments, the ones that crept up on her and felt like she was stuck in a room with no walls, no windows, no way of escape until she plunged into the darkness. Well, it was times like those that she thought of actually being with someone. Of being someone different, someone beautiful and accomplished and actually  _ worth _ it. She thought of herself as being the person that Dr. Ren would love, being someone that he would be interested in.  **  
**

All in all it was a silly notion, and while nice at the time, once it was over the light of him disappeared and all that was left was complete blackness. She felt cold, empty, alone, and it was all consuming. So, she tried—and failed—to not think about the life she would never have.  **  
**

It was a catch twenty-two situation and Rey really had no idea what would break the cycle. She guessed if she found someone else. But really, she didn’t have interest in anyone else, didn’t even talk to anyone else...except, well, one person—Ben.  **  
**

But really, how much could she imagine about a person she had never even seen.  All she knew was that he was nice, kind, funny and honest. Which, she valued more than anything. He was in as dark a place as she was and felt in a way like a kindred spirit.  **  
**

It was ironic, really, that the two people she was interested in, or at least had some sort of connection with, were two people that were completely unavailable. She laughed softly, because really, the main reason she wasn’t with anyone was because she was so unstable. ven if Ben or Kylo were an option, she wouldn’t be able to consider going there. Who would want someone like her? No one.  **  
**

So what was the point?  **  
**

Rey huffed, pushing the thoughts from her brain as she made her way up the stairs to her apartment. She honestly just wanted to wrap herself in a ball and sleep. She was completely done in, the emotion of the last few hours taking its toll on her.  **  
**

Feeling drained wasn’t something that was new to her, it was part and parcel of her depression. The simplest tasks would leave her tired, angry, and incredibly demotivated. Instead of finding positives in doing something, she would quickly find all the faults in what she had done, picking it apart until she was either too tired to finish it or ruining it before she had properly started. Rey was trying to work on it; Dr. Ren had helped her with different ways to channel her feelings into something good. To reward herself when she did something, no matter how small. And sometimes she stuck to it, but others, like today, she just felt like giving up.  **  
**

She could hear Finn singing from the kitchen, and honestly, as much as she loved him, she wished he wasn’t home.  **  
**

“Reyby, is that you?” he called out, and stuck his head around the door to greet her.  **  
**

He was wearing his signature  _ Game Of Thrones _ themed apron that stated Dinner Is Coming and had flour on his cheek, nose, and all over his hands. It was adorable, really. Because the truth of the matter was: Finn couldn’t cook. No matter how hard he tried and by God, did he try.  **  
**

“What’s on the menu tonight?” she asked, wondering what incredible creation he had thought up this time. **  
**

“Okay, so hear me out…” **  
**

That was never a good sign.  **  
**

“Here we go,” she responded cheekily and he stuck out his tongue.  **  
**

“I wanted pizza. But you know, I’m getting a bit bored of the whole Dominos thing.” **  
**

She snorted. No wonder he was getting sick of it: if she had to count, he’d ordered it three times last week--not that she was complaining because you know, leftovers. She wasn’t nicknamed Scavenger for nothing after all.  **  
**

“You weren’t snorting when you were three slices deep in my Americano, sooooo…” **  
**

She laughed. It seemed her eating habits has been noticed—not that she tried to hide them very well in the first place. She walked over, coming up behind her friend and peering over his shoulder. The only word she could think of that could even describe what was going on in his pot right now, was gloop.  **  
**

“Looks, um, yummy.” **  
**

“Right? Okay so, it’s called an Ummm recipe,” he stated proudly, like she was supposed to know what that meant.  **  
**

“Which is?” **  
**

“It’s a recipe that involves you looking in the cupboards, going ummmm and picking out random ingredients. My best invention, actually.” **  
**

Rey was laughing now, the horrible feeling from earlier lifting slightly. It was nice having friends that did that, even if it was unconsciously.  **  
**

“Oh, the famous ummmm recipe that all the top chefs are speaking about? You know, I think I saw Gordon Ramsay feature it on TV last week.” Rey winked and bit her lip as she tried to contain her laughter.  **  
**

She watched as Finn picked up the wooden spoon, trying to stir the congealed mess and failing—miserably. There was no way in hell she would be eating this. Not even if he  begged. She was sure it would only end in disaster, and undoubtedly a night for them both spent on the toilet.  **  
**

“You’ll love it, Reyby. It has your favourite in it.” He smiled and continued to attempt stirring the gloop. “Cheese.” **  
**

“Well, of course, that changes everything then.”  **  
**

“I feel like you’re being sarcastic.” **  
**

“Me? No,” she deadpanned, confirming his intuition to be entirely correct.  **  
**

“You know, when I win Masterchef, you will be singing a different tune.” **  
**

“Sure. Just, sure,” she replied, shaking her head, “anyway, I am going to pass on dinner. I’m actually feeling a bit shit. Bad day. I’m going to just chill in my room with a bowl of cereal.” She prayed he wouldn’t ask why, that he wouldn’t pick up on the small hitch in her voice.  **  
**

But of course—he did.  **  
**

Finn stopped attempting to stir and turned to face her, the concern he felt etched on his soft features. “What happened?” he asked, and instantly she started to feel self-conscious.  **  
**

What could she say to him? She sure as hell wasn't going to tell him the truth. How would he ever look at her the same if she explained that she had manipulated a man into staying her therapist. That she had gone to all means possible to keep him with her? As much as Finn had her back, loved her, he surely would know how wrong she had been. Would tell her so. And Rey just wasn’t sure she could face it right now.  **  
**

“Nothing, just a bad day,” she repeated, hoping that was the end of it.  **  
**

“You see Dr. Ren today?” The way he looked at her, like he  _ knew  _ something had happened completely unnerved her.  **  
**

“For a bit.” **  
**

“How did it go?” **  
**

“Usual.” She was shutting down. He knew it and so did she. If she didn’t want to talk about something, if she was in a dark place, then this was how she acted—pushed people away.  **  
**

“You still want to see him? Even though you—” **  
**

“Don’t.” She cut him off.  **  
**

“Rey.” **  
**

“No. I don’t—I don’t want to talk about it, okay? I’m sorry, nothing happened, I am just having a shit day. It’s all getting to me, but I’m fine. Really.” She lied through her teeth. **  
**

“I don’t believe you, but I’ll let it go.” He leaned forward and kissed her head, squeezing her shoulder as he did so.  **  
**

Rey smiled softly, glad that he had dropped the subject as she started to walk out of the room.  **  
**

“Hey, Rey?” he shouted, stopping her retreat.  **  
**

She turned around to face him and answered, “Yes?” **  
**

“Come back in an hour, there will be some Americano left here for you.” Finn smiled, turning the cooker off and taking out his phone to order his favourite pizza. Rey laughed, shaking her head and making her way to her room. 

There were so many thoughts flowing through her brain—too many—that she couldn’t even focus on one. She quickly changed, putting on her comfy pyjamas as she fell into bed and closed her eyes, falling asleep almost instantly. 

 

 

* * *

****  
  
  


A few hours later she woke up, head pounding as she checked the time on her bedside table—one A.M.— _ perfect _ . Rey groaned and sat up in her bed, wiping the sleep out of her groggy eyes. She hadn't expected to nap for so long, but wasn’t surprised based on the fact that since everything that had happened in the bar she’d been up most nights worrying. She had never been a great sleeper, but really, going on two to three hours a day was a new record for her.  **  
**

She stretched out, pointing her toes to rid herself of the cramp in her legs. Her stomach rumbled noisily and the thought of cold pizza entered her mind. She jumped up and put on her bathrobe before finding her handbag under the pile of clothes she had discarded earlier. She hadn’t checked her phone in a few hours and was curious to know if Ben had been in contact. She hadn’t contacted him much today, only because she had been freaking out over her meeting with Dr. Ren.  **  
**

Pressing the home button, the small device lit up and she instantly noticed a notification from Ben from only half an hour ago. Forgetting about the pizza completely, she lay back down on the bed and opened the message, butterflies fluttering in her stomach. 

_ Ben _

_ I’m drunk. And angry. And sad. And annoyed at myself. I’ve had a bad day. One of the worst. I had a decision to make and I’m not sure if I did the right thing. A part of me, the bad part, the true part, is happy with what I’ve done. But the other part of me, the one that is supposed to be responsible, is making me feel guilty. So, here I am, Kira. Downing a bottle of whiskey and thinking about my dad. You said once he would be proud of me, but I can tell you right now he wouldn’t be. Would he be proud of the colossal fuck up that is his son? Of a boy masquerading as a man who was too scared to see him in his final moments? He thought I didn’t love him and it kills me. Every day. So much so that I’m telling you, a stranger, and knowing that you will see me as pathetic as he did. As all my family does. I’m ranting, I know, and I’m sorry. Drink does that to people, apparently. And you are probably sleeping like a normal person. I hope you are having nice dreams, that they are happy and wonderful and everything you deserve. When I dream, I see only darkness. But you, you bring me some light.  _

Her breath was short, her heart beating wildly as she read the message again. It was long, it was open and raw, and frankly, completely heartbreaking. Since she had replied to his message the first time, their conversations had rarely strayed towards his father. Many times she had tried to broach the subject, to mention something that would make him open up about it, but it never worked. And now, here he was, offering his life story to her and his pain.  **  
**

He was drunk, something she hadn’t been in so long—for her own mental health. Drink was not her friend and she’d found that out the hard way. It seemed that Ben would too. He’d said he hadn’t been drinking as much, but that clearly had changed. It worried her. This stranger, this man...her friend, she cared for him. And he was in pain.  **  
**

Rey wished she could take it away, could give him some sort of reprieve from his demons. But how could she? She was a colossal fuck up herself. She had no right to dish out any advice when she couldn’t even help herself. It didn’t stop her from typing though, from  _ trying  _ to do something. 

_ Ben, I am so sorry, so so sorry that you feel this way. I don’t mean to sound preachy or whatever, because I suspect you know this already, but alcohol is not the answer. It might make things easier for a short time, but in the long run, it’s only going to bring you even more darkness. I’ve been there and got the T-shirt as they say and I can tell you—it’s not worth it. I don’t know you in the physical sense, I know that. But we have been talking for awhile now and I like to think I know you as a person and I can say without a doubt that you, Ben, are one of the kindest, funniest and sweetest people I have ever talked to. I don’t think you see yourself clearly. And that pains me. And I know your father would think the same. We all make mistakes. I’m sure your father did too, but we need to forgive people and more importantly, forgive ourselves. Can you forgive yourself, Ben? For me? Please.  _

She needed him to be okay. More than she needed herself to be okay, which was something she should probably talk about in therapy. Her relationship—if she could even call it that—with Ben had become very important to her.  _ He  _ was important to her.  **  
**

She understood what he meant when he spoke about the different parts of himself all saying different things. She dealt with that on a daily basis. The dark part, the one that was starting to shrink, but still there and constant in her brain, telling her she wasn’t good enough, that she was nothing. She had to fight it. Constantly. But then there was this other part of her, the one that begged for her to fight. That she was worth it. It was a side that Dr. Ren had found all those months ago and completely brought to life. So she got what Ben was going through. And she would try to light a fire in the right side, the good side of him and show him that it was worth fighting for.

Her phone buzzed on her leg, bringing her out of her thoughts as she picked it up and read the message—the typos gracing the screen instantly told her he had drank even more since sending the original message.

 

_Ben_

_ You don’t know me well enoufh. I’m a dick and a cumt. My family hates me. Rightfully so. And I alwsys fuck up! With my dad. With my mom. With my job. Even with the woman I love. Who I can’t have. But sh is so beautiful and god she is sexy. And I can’t think that. And it’s all I think about. But she can never no. And I’m ducked up. And I like you. And this weird friendship. Don’t leave me. Not like my dad did. Han Solo said he would always be here and he lied. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m lost. Aloner. I’m sorry:  _

He loved someone, had a woman in his life. That was good, right? Minus the whole not being able to be with her part. But at least he had found an outlet for some of his feelings, which was funny as she was in the exact same boat. Another thing they had in common—loving people they could never have. He really was so like her.  **  
**

And Han Solo, she was sure that must have been his father’s name. 

“Ben Solo,” she whispered out loud into the empty room. It was a nice name, easy on the tongue. 

_ I”ll say it again and hope you hear me this time. Ben Solo, you are not alone and please, get to bed. :wink: _

Was all she typed, hoping he knew she meant it. A few seconds passed when he replied. 

_ Ben _

_ Neither are you. Gnigjh Kira. Thank u.  _

 

She hoped he would have some of the sweet dreams he spoke about earlier to her. And she continued to think about him, even when she was on her third slice of pizza and reading more of  _ To Kill A Mockingbird _ , she thought of sad, lonely Ben Solo. 

****  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The texting is back!!!! And Ben is going down a dark path. Please let me all know what you think :)


	12. If You Could See

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone for all your kinds words on this story, really it means so much to me.
> 
> I did plan to post this on Saturday 24th August, for the reason that it was the one year anniversary of my dad passing and really is the main reason and inspiration for this story. I ended up too sad on Saturday to edit this, so here we are now. This chapter was very hard for me to write, probably the hardest to be honest, because there is a lot of me in this Ben and how he is trying to deal with his grief. So yeah, this chapter is dedicated especially to my dad, David. The man that I had a very complicated relationship with, but miss every single day and loved so much. No one could make me laugh like him and I miss seeing his eyes sparkle when he would tease me. I miss how kind he was. I miss just phoning him up and talking to him. It's the small things you miss, which is something I am now learning. <3 
> 
> A lot of you have reached out to me about your own grief and your own battles with mental health while reading this story. I cannot thank you enough for that, for sharing your story and making me feel like I am not alone. 
> 
> Okay, sad time over. Well, not over because you still have to read the chapter... but still haha.
> 
> The biggest thank you to my lovely betas who are just amazing, supportive and so kind [RebelRebel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RebelRebel/pseuds/RebelRebel)  
> and [Ever-so-reylo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ever_So_Reylo/pseuds/Ever-so-reylo)  
> I love you both very much. 
> 
> Please note this chapter deals heavily with grief. 
> 
> Thanks <3

**Chapter Twelve - If You Could See**

Ben Solo was not in a good place. He hadn’t been for a while, and the problem was he didn’t know what to do about it. He was stuck; he knew he had to change something in his life, but the thing he would have to change he wasn’t prepared to. It was a catch twenty-two situation. And one he wasn’t going to resolve any time soon. 

His head was pounding; it was every morning now, that was the aftermath of drinking a bottle of spirits every night. He deserved it. His head hurt even more as he looked over the messages he’d sent to Kira. He was an embarrassment. God only knows what she thought of him.

Except, looking back, it seemed like she understood, like she actually  _ got _ him. He couldn’t think of a time when that had happened. Sure, he felt things with Rey, crazy, all-consuming things. But what chance did they have? None. And that was the reality of it. 

He was no good for her. He was no good for anyone, not like this anyway. He could picture his dad now, telling him that he only had one life to live, that he was ruining it just like he had done. Back then, when Han had said those things to him, Ben had thrown them back in his face. Told him he was nothing like him, that he was better. It had all been lies. Han Solo was and always would be a better man than his son. That was just a fact. Ben just wished he had gotten the chance to tell him so, Instead of being the scared, conflicted little coward he had been. 

His regrets were something he knew he would have to live with forever. A number of people had come to him, seeking advice over things unsaid, over past squabbles with people that had now passed. He’d given them answers, hope... he just needed to find that now for himself. 

He couldn’t change the past, he knew that. No matter how much he lay awake at night wishing it. He sometimes felt like a boy again, dreaming of making an elaborate time machine he could use to travel across the ages, across galaxies. Except, now that he was grown up he would use it just to go back, back to a time when his dad was here. He would take him in his arms, pull him close and tell him how good a guy he was, how no matter what mistakes he made, he would always love him. 

He’d do anything to have that moment, even give his own life if he could. It was a torrid fantasy, but one that also provided him comfort. Sometimes, he apologised in his dreams—on occasion it went well, others it didn’t. But at least he had an idea of how it would play out. 

Ben considered it borderline obsessive  but completely normal. So many people went through these stages of grief and in that respect, he was not alone. 

At least, not as alone as he often felt. 

* * *

****  
  


“You look awful, honey, and I say that outta love,” Leia said as she wrapped her arms around her son. 

He’d decided to go for dinner, though he still wasn’t sure why. Most of the time he made his excuses, but something in his gut made him go today. Maybe it was guilt, maybe it was the fact he wanted to feel closer to his dad and there was no one on the planet that had been closer to him than his mom. 

Sure, at points their marriage had not been all that healthy, or even really a marriage, but somehow they always found their way back to one another. Which, in a sense, was something all people wanted from life. To have that one person they could rely on, that loved them as fiercely as they loved them. Ben wondered if he would ever find it. He wanted to. But right now, his love life was a complete clusterfuck that he didn’t even know how to face. 

A part of him wondered if maybe that was why he came today. To get some kind of advice from her, without actually telling her the ins and outs of the situation. He needed someone to guide him, someone impartial that still knew him well enough to have his best interests at heart. The funny thing was, he had always gone to Han about girl advice. Why  he didn’t really know—his father was decidedly even worse with the female species than he was. 

“I’m not sleeping well,” he half-lied in response. 

And she knew. Of course she did. That was one of the many powers of being a mom. 

“Sure. Nothing to do with the alcohol I can still smell on your breath, then?” She raised her eyebrows, giving him a pointed look as she closed the front door to the house behind him. 

He had always been shit at keeping things from her, most of the time he didn’t even see the point. She would always find out some way or another. Another trick of hers. 

“Let’s not go there today, Mom.”

She smiled sadly and nodded. He couldn’t imagine how hard it must be for her to have him as a son. He’d been a bitter disappointment for so long—he wasn’t sure why she still put up with him. Not after everything that happened, not after how he had treated them both. 

“Okay. You’re here and that’s all that matters.”

He followed her into the kitchen, where she had an elaborate spread on. It made him smile, only because no matter how many people she was feeding, they would be leaving with a full belly and leftovers that would last them for about a week. 

He watched as she stirred the soup in the large pot on the stove, the image of his father trying to sneak food while his mom smacked his hand away flitting into his mind. He’d taken it all for granted, the small and seemingly unimportant moments that he would never get to be part of again.

“You’re thinking pretty hard over there, son. What’s wrong?”

Ben took a deep breath, trying to control himself and the tears he could feel pooling in his eyes. 

“I miss him.”

Leia stopped stirring, turning to face him and smiling sadly again. “I know. So do I.”

“I fucked up. I fucked up so bad.”

He didn’t mean for this to get so deep so quickly. Usually, he didn’t even like talking about Han, especially to the people who knew him and what he had done. He felt like he didn’t have a right to, that he’d lost  it a long time ago. 

“We all make mistakes, Ben. But you are here now, and you are sorry. He will see that.” Leia turned the heat down on the cooker, wiping her hands on the dish towel and walking over to her son. “He always loved you. Even on your worst days.  _ Always _ .”

She reached out to touch Ben’s shoulder,;along with the words she spoke, it ended up making  him bursting into tears, a painful cry falling from his lips. In an instant, her arms were around him, his cheek on her breast as she rocked him back and forth. He felt like a child again, like he had when he’d grazed his knee and it had been the worst thing in the world. She held him so close, her hands stroking his hair as he wet her blouse with his tears. 

“I’m so sorry—I—I’m so— _ fuck _ —so sorry,” he sobbed, shaking. 

“I know you are and so does he. And we both forgive you. You just need to forgive yourself.”

He knew that. He really did. He just didn’t know  _ how _ . 

“I know it seems impossible right now, that not enough time has passed yet. But a day will come when things feel easier, when the burden you carry won’t be as heavy.”

Her voice was soft and comforting and he felt like he could drown in it. He couldn’t even remember the last time they had been this close—he hadn’t even let her hold him like this when he’d found out Han had died. What he did know, though, was that he didn’t hate it. In fact, he really liked it. 

* * *

****  
  


He was staying the night in his old bedroom, wearing his old pyjamas, and it felt like he was stuck in a time warp, but also  _ right _ and  _ nice _ . Like maybe he should have done this before now. 

They were watching a movie,  _ North by Northwest _ , one of his father’s favourites. He couldn’t count the number of times they had sat together as a family and watched this. His parents had always been massive Cary Grant fans—his mom for obvious reasons, and his dad because he wanted to be like him. Ben understood the appeal on both fronts. 

He was feeling better, at least a little better than he had earlier. Leia had held him long enough that most of the food had burned and had to be thrown away. He couldn’t remember ever crying that much in his entire life, but he felt better for it, clearer. 

“You okay there, kid?” His mom whispered over, using the nickname his father had always given him. It hurt, his heart beating that little bit faster. But it also was nice.  _ Familiar _ . 

“Yes, I feel a bit better. Just...I have a lot going on right now and yeah. Everything is just getting a bit much for me.”

He thought of Rey, of how much he had ruined things for the both of them, of how ridiculously in love with her he was and how wrong it was. Then he thought of Kira, of her light and her positivity. How she made him feel warm, wanted. 

Leia leaned over to pick up the remote and paused the movie, just at the bit before Cary Grant scales the side of the building to sneak into the house. He smiled when he remembered that every time they got to this bit, Han would tell him that Cary didn’t need a stunt double, that he had been in the circus growing up and did all his own stunts.He missed his father’s useless facts. He only noticed now they had made the film that much better. 

“You wanna talk about it?” 

He appreciated that she was giving him the choice of opening up, instead of trying to force him. It was clearly something she had been working on herself. Another one of their problems that they hadn’t really dealt with. 

“I’m in love,” he said simply, and then instantly cringed as he noticed his mother’s face light up. 

“Ben, that is wonderful ne—”

“No,” he interrupted, “no, it’s not. I can’t, we can’t, it will never happen. We can’t be together.”

Leia’s face scrunched up, her confusion clear and he wasn’t sure how he was going to explain this. 

“Why not?”

“I can’t say. Look, I love her a lot, but I’m not good for her and we can’t be together, it’s never going to happen.”

“She married?” 

“No.”

“Then what’s the problem?” 

“Don’t ask.”

He didn’t mean to snap, but he did and he could see his mom take a step back in her head. He couldn’t let her figure it out, couldn’t stand to see the shame on her face if she knew he was in love with a client, someone he had a duty of care for. 

“Okay, does she know you love her?” Leia replied, trying another angle.

“No, she never will. She knows I care about her and that’s that. So yeah, I’m kind of in a weird place. I love this woman, but then I’m starting to have feelings for someone else too. It’s a different sort of thing though, I don’t really know her.”

He played what he said back in his head and could easily understand why his mom was looking at him the way she was—it sounded like an entire mess, and to be fair, it was. 

“You don’t really know her? Is she like, a porn star or something?” Leia whispered. 

“Mom! Fucksake, no. She is...actually she could be, but I don’t think she is…”

Ben realised she actually  _ could _ be a porn star and he wouldn’t know. He didn’t really know anything about her. Except that she was nice. And she cared. And really, that was all that mattered. Not her job. 

“Okay, so this maybe or maybe-not porn star that you don’t really know is someone you also like? You kids really go about things differently these days.” 

He couldn’t help but think ‘bless her’, for trying to make light of a situation that made no sense. He kind of wished he hadn’t said anything, because it really  _ didn’t _ make sense. 

“I just, I’m stuck. I don’t know what to do, how to move on from the other girl, if I should try with the new girl...I just don’t know.”

He was looking for guidance and really, it was a shame to even ask this of his mom. He had told her half the facts and none of it added up. 

“Okay. I think you do what makes you happy. That’s what your father would always say to me. You have one life to live, Ben Solo, so do what makes you happy and don’t have any regrets.”

She clasped her hand over his and smiled, and Ben, well, he cried again. But this time they were happy tears, and they didn’t stop until his phone lit up next to him. 

_ Kira _

_ Ben, I’m worried about you. Are you okay? I’m sorry if you just need a break or are chilling or whatever. It’s just, you had a hard night and when I didn’t hear from you this morning...well, I panicked. Just, let me know you are okay.  _

_ X _

He didn’t reply till he was lying on his single bed in his childhood bedroom, the mattress too hard and the sheets barely covering his toes. For some reason he felt brave, felt like maybe he should try something new. So, taking a deep breath he did what felt right—something that would leave him with no regrets. 

 

_ Kira, I am so sorry I didn’t get back to you earlier. I went to my Mom’s today and it was hard, but so good. I feel lighter, better than I have done in ages and honestly I have you to thank for that.  _

_ Now, I have an idea, and you may think I’m crazy. But, do you want to meet? _

_ Ben x  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this was super cathartic for me and also, for Ben. This is a good point for him, he has hope. 
> 
> Will Rey agree to meet him? Things are going to start moving quit quickly with this and we are going to get to the big reveal very soon. 
> 
> Please let me know what you think. Thank you again <3 
> 
> Rebecca


	13. Deep Dark Room

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait on this, they are so close to meeting and I was stalling as I was worrying how to do it justice. I have everything worked out now and this is the final one before the big reveal. 
> 
> I also want to say thank you to everyone for all your kind comments in relation to my dad passing away last year and sharing your own stories. It means the world <3
> 
> My two beautiful betas hold my hand through this and I love them [RebelRebel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RebelRebel/pseuds/RebelRebel)  
> and [Ever-so-reylo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ever_So_Reylo/pseuds/Ever-so-reylo)  
> THANK YOU <3
> 
> Hope you all enjoy...

**Chapter Thirteen - Deep Dark Room**

Rey had been staring at her phone for an obscene amount of time, reading Ben’s message over and over. He actually asked to meet her in person and to put it simply she was terrified. But also, there was a current that swept through her body, one that was buzzing with excitement, happiness ,  _ hope _ . It was something she never dared to think, to feel, but there was something different, something that she could actually work towards. **  
**

She knew that no matter what happened in her life, she would never have Dr. Ren in the way that she longed for. It just wasn’t in the realm of possibility, and Ben Solo, well, he was special to her. With each message he had made a larger dent in her already crumbling walls, working his way into her heart. With him she could have a future, which was something she hadn’t thought about in so long. Sure, they could meet and not click, but honestly, she couldn’t see that actually happening—they had bared their souls to each other from the start and if that wasn’t a promising foundation, then she didn’t know what was.  **  
**

This could be her second chance, it could be the thing that made her move on from the sadness that she constantly felt. Rey struggled to ever just let herself be happy, instead focusing on the negatives and shortfalls in her life. Of course, living with Finn had always helped her with that, but with him leaving...with things moving on, she knew deep down that she had to take some responsibility and not expect other people to pull her out of the dark pit—it was something she would have to conquer on her own.  **  
**

Briefly, she wondered if she should phone Dr. Ren’s office about this, if she should speak to him about the potential meeting with the man she was falling for. Sure, he would probably tell her about the dangers of meeting with online people...but the way they started talking, it was so different, so personal in relation to meeting up on a dating site. It felt like fate. It felt like the universe sending her a sign, forging a bond between these two lonely people and forcing them to confront the fact that they weren’t actually alone in the way they thought they were.  **  
**

The meeting she had with Dr. Ren the other day filtered through her mind and she shivered. It had been so fucked up—probably the worst thing she had ever done. Would Ben understand if she told him? She had opened up to him, but in a different way from how she did with Dr. Ren. The two men were completely different, yet spoke to her in a way and connected with her on a level that no other human beings had done before. A small and childish part of her wished she could mix them together, to have them both. But that would be selfish.  **  
**

For one, she would never be enough for Dr. Ren. Kylo. He was everything that she wasn’t. He would surely find someone, someone beautiful who had their shit together and wasn’t his client, a client who had kissed him. Rey covered her face with her hands when she thought back to that incident—no wonder he had wanted to transfer her. She was a mess.  **  
**

And because of that, the fear started to push in and override the hope. Her demons not letting her live in the land of the happy for too long, reminding her that if she wasn’t enough for Kylo, then how could she be enough for Ben? He needed someone who had their shit together, too. He had so much going on in his life, so much pain, and she knew that she would only add to it. She was unstable, unlovable really. Should she really throw herself and her problems into someone else's life? It wouldn’t be fair, would it?  **  
**

Rey groaned loudly, lying back on her bed with the phone above her as she read over Ben’s texts again. **  
**

“A normal person would just say yes...but I’m not a fucking normal person,” she whispered to no one, her small voice lingering in the dark room. It could be easy, she could say yes, meet him, and the rest, as they would call it, would be history. **  
**

But her brain didn’t work that way. If she accepted, if she actually took the plunge and decided to meet him, her mind and body would play their usual cruel tricks on her. She would be sick, physically sick before meeting him. She would have to up the dosage of the pills in her bathroom cabinet, she would need to plan everything down to the last detail; it couldn’t be a public place. Rey wouldn’t sleep for days beforehand, she would run herself ragged by playing over and over all the different ways she could fuck this up.  **  
**

She rolled onto her stomach, taking the phone with her and staring it down. He had messaged her forty-seven minutes ago and she was still going back and forth over what to do.  **  
**

“Ugh, why am I such a fucking mess?”  **  
**

“We are all, sweetie, some of us just hide it better than others,” Finn’s voice replied out of nowhere, and Rey jumped so quickly she nearly face planted off the bed onto the floor. **  
**

“What in the hell are you doing?” she asked, standing up and throwing her arms around the air. Finn was laughing, of course. “Have you ever heard of knocking?”  **  
**

“Have you ever heard of waking me up with your internal monologue?” he countered and Rey looked away, embarrassed. **  
**

“I’m sorry, just have some shit going on.” **  
**

Finn walked over and sat on the edge of her bed, patting the comforter next to him for her to come and take a seat. “Let’s talk about it.”  **  
**

She reluctantly walked over, not sure where to start. Rey was good at talking to Kylo, but only because he understood, because there was no judgment and he always knew the best thing to say. But with Finn it was different; everything that she had put him through previously weighed on her and the last thing she wanted was to worry him. **  
**

“There’s a guy,” Rey started, still not looking at Finn in the eyes.  **  
**

“Dr. Ren?”  **  
**

“No. No. Someone else. Someone different. The phone Poe gave me, well it was this guy’s father before he passed away and he still had the number, still texted him nearly every day. And one day, when I was having one of those bad days, I replied.”  **  
**

Finn looked shocked, clearly not expecting to hear what had come out of Rey’s mouth. It almost didn’t sound real to her, that this could even happen—but it had and she was still so thankful. Thankful that she had a person to share her feelings with, thankful she had someone that she helped for a change, instead of it always being the other way around. Ben helped her forget about the fact that she was so damaged, he made her feel like there was more to her than her mental illness.  **  
**

“Wow. Seriously? That is nuts. And you talk to each other?” Finn’s eyebrows were raised, clearly intrigued by what was going on with Rey and Ben. **  
**

“Yes, every day, actually. And it’s nice. It’s  _ different _ . I don’t feel like such of a problem when I talk to him. I actually help him, Finn. And we talk about everything, he tells me things, deep things that make me feel like I’m not alone. But now he wants to meet and I just don’t know what to do.”  **  
**

Finn took a deep breath and reached over to hold onto Rey’s hand. “You know that I want you to be happy, don’t you? That you deserve it more than anyone I have ever known. I just need you to make sure that meeting this man will be safe for you, and I don’t mean just physically.”  **  
**

“I know.” **  
**

“You have to think about all the possibilities here, Rey. And I am not just saying this to scare you. I hope that he is someone positive for you, in your life. I hope that you meet him and you fall crazy in love with each other...or become the best of friends, except, not the  _ best _ best, because that’s me. But I do want that for you. You just need to think of what will happen if he doesn’t turn out to be the person you thought he was.” **  
**

And Finn had a point, a massive point, it was the reason she hadn’t texted Ben back straight away and tell him she would see him. This thing they had, it was so special to her, it was the lightest part of her life and the thought of losing that because their meeting didn’t work out scared her more than she wanted to admit. She felt like she had already lost so much, and wasn’t sure she could lose this too. **  
**

Finn continued, his voice deep and full of tenderness, “I am not saying this to put you off. I just want you to think, really think. Don’t make a snap decision on this. And if you do decide to meet him, I can come with you, if you want? I will be there to help in any way that I can.”  **  
**

And he meant it, she knew it. He had and would always be there for her. Which was lovely, but also a problem. Finn held back on things in his life because of her, he always had, wanting to make sure first and foremost that she was okay. It wasn’t fair to him, not that he would ever complain. He wasn’t like that. But still, she knew the truth, could sometimes see it in his eyes and she couldn’t keep doing that to him. **  
**

“I know, I know that. I just don’t know what to do. I don’t know what the right choice is. I want to meet him, but then I think about what could happen, how it could all go wrong and then it would be over,” she said softly, trying to stop the tears from falling. She failed. **  
**

Finn’s arms wrapped around her as he pulled her into his chest and let her sob it out. She wasn’t much of a crier, tried her hardest not to break down in front of people. But in the last week, she had completely broken down in front of the two main men in her life. Both of them reacted the same way and tried to take the pain away. It didn’t really work.  **  
**

“We all make mistakes and life has a way of throwing us curveballs. You just need to know that if this doesn’t work out it isn’t the end of the world. You don’t see it, Rey, but you are strong. You can overcome anything and whatever decision you make in your life, I will have your back a hundred percent, okay?” Finn smiled down at her, pushing the damp hair out of her face.  **  
**

It struck her for the thousandth time how lucky she was to have a friend like him. How he was still here after everything she had put him through. **  
**

“I am so sorry.” **  
**

He looked confused before he responded, “Why are you sorry? You’re just talking about your feelings—” **  
**

“No, not for that,” she interrupted, “I never said sorry for what I did. For what that must have been like for you.”  **  
**

She noticed his face change, his mind probably taking him back to the dark day she nearly died in his arms. Rey knew it still affected him, that sometimes she could hear him shout her name in his sleep, in the same worried tone he had that day. Rey had done a number on him, on Poe, on Rose, on Dr. Ren...would she do the same to Ben? The sad truth was that she probably would.  **  
**

“Rey, you never have to say sorry for that. Ever. Okay? Just look at how far you have come since then, you should be proud. And I will always be happy that I found you that day, that I gave you your second chance to make things right,” he replied and smiled sadly, a tear escaping his own eye as it ran down his cheek. **  
**

Rey hugged him back now, her small arms closing around his frame. Finn was her family. And knowing that he had her back whatever she decided made her feel stronger, braver, like she wasn’t alone.  **  
**

They hugged for a little longer, Rey thanking him again for being there for her and promising no more talking to herself during the middle of the night. And finally, when she was cuddled up in bed, she picked up her phone, reading the message again and taking a long, deep breath. **  
**

_Ben, I am sorry for taking so long to reply. I am going to be honest, I was freaked out. Scared, even, about what meeting would mean. But then I thought about it, really thought about it and decided I’m in. I have to warn you, the real me is an even bigger mess than you probably think. But she wants to meet you. She really does. Does tomorrow suit?_ _Kira x_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IT IS HAPPENING. HERE WE GO. I AM SO NERVOUS.
> 
> Let me know what you think and thank you for reading xx


	14. The Beauty Of the Dark

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello. Hi. Here we are. It's happening. I am so nervous. Like, SO nervous as I just want to do this story justice and these two characters and GAH. You know when something means so much to you and you freak out about it? Literally me right now. 
> 
> Anyways, I am just going to post this because I can't leave you all hanging with them meeting.
> 
> The biggest thank you goes to my betas [RebelRebel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RebelRebel/pseuds/RebelRebel)  
> and [Ever-so-reylo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ever_So_Reylo/pseuds/Ever-so-reylo)  
> who I have asked a hundred times if this is okay lmao. They are amazing, so supportive and just make this story what it is. They are the best of the best <3 
> 
> So here we are...when the truth reveals itself about who they really are.
> 
> *hides behind couch*

**Chapter Fourteen - The Beauty Of the Dark**  

Ben was nervous. He needed a drink—a large one. **  
**

But, for Kira, he stopped himself. The last thing he wanted to do was answer the door drunk off his ass when she showed up to his house. It certainly wouldn’t be a great first impression.  **  
**

Normally, he didn’t give a fuck about all that kind of stuff. He was who he was and people would just have to deal with it. Except Kira was different, and he needed her to like him, he needed her to want to stay in his company for as long as possible. He had a track record of pushing people away, of not letting anyone get too close to him, because then they would see just how fucked up he was, how damaged. But not her. Not her.  **  
**

He scanned his living room again, making sure it was as tidy as possible. Knowing Kira, she wouldn’t actually care how it looked, but he wanted to impress her—show her he was more than the mess of a man who texted her every time he was fucked up. He turned around to stare at himself in the large mirror above the fireplace. He went for a haircut this morning—nothing too drastic, but it was a little shorter, just under his ears now.  **  
**

It was actually ridiculous how much he was freaking out over this meeting. _Date_ . But was it a date? Kind of. Not really. Maybe? He didn’t know. And that made things even worse. His nerves were shaken and he ran up to his bedroom, changing his clothes for the third time. He pulled out another black top: it might have actually been the exact same as the one he had on before, but he put it on anyway.   **  
**

Ben wondered if she would find him attractive. He sure as hell didn’t, but then he was his own worst enemy at the best of times. Maybe she would, maybe she would want to fuck him. His cock stirred at the thought. But he knew he would need to keep himself in check. His dick had got him in enough trouble—like when he listened to it and hoisted Rey up against a wall at the bar the other week—a moment he had replayed over in his mind an embarrassing amount of times...enough that even the thought of it was starting to make him hard.  **  
**

“Fuck, get a grip, you idiot!” he said out loud to no one but himself, and shook his head.  **  
**

Before leaving the bedroom, he looked around it one last time, just in case, and nodded when everything was in order. He very much doubted that anything like this would happen—he doubted that she would even be into him in that way—but it didn’t hurt to be prepared.  **  
**

She was due to arrive in thirty minutes, and he was jittery, pacing back and forth. He had asked to see her on a whim, not actually thinking that she would accept. But she had. Sure, it had taken her awhile to reply and he was sure he’d completely blown it, but then the message had arrived and his heart had almost leapt out of his chest.  **  
**

He couldn’t deny the feelings he had for her. But they were confusing, even more so because his head was still gone for Rey. No matter what he did, no matter what he tried, she was always there; sitting on the chair in his office and looking so fucking beautiful it hurt him. Her smile, her hair, her shining eyes...all of it, all of it was imprinted in his mind and haunted his dreams.  **  
**

But after his talk with his mother and some self-realisation, he knew what he had to do. He had to move on, move on to someone that he was actually allowed to love. And he hoped, he wished that would be Kira—their connection undeniable. He just hoped that when they saw each other, when their eyes first locked, he would feel that tug in his heart.  **  
**

He was hopeful, something he hadn’t felt since before his father died—and it was nice, peaceful...it was exactly what he needed. And as easy as it would be to walk over and pick up the bottle of whiskey, to take a few quick gulps to shake the nerves, he decided in that moment to not let his demons control him. Instead, he would be the one in control.  **  
**

He could feel his hands shake, and the fact he wasn’t sure if it was from nerves or from the lack of alcohol in his system, scared him. It made him realise that things had spiralled even further than he had noticed himself—it confirmed that it was time to change, all of it.  **  
**

Starting with Kira and finishing with Rey. He had to end it. He had to get her transferred...he just wasn’t sure how. 

 

* * *

**  
** Two minutes before she was due to arrive, Ben’s doorbell rang and he jumped up off the couch.  

“Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,” he muttered and did another scan of the room, his heart beating furiously in his chest. He could feel his palms start to sweat, and for a millisecond wondered if he should go wash them.  **  
**

Instead, he took a deep breath, counting in and out like he told his clients on a daily basis. If he could just put himself out there, just this once, then things might actually go well for him. Kira had told him over and over that he deserved happiness, that he shouldn’t punish himself for how things ended with his father—he just needed to listen to her.  **  
**

Unsteady on his feet, he walked towards the hallway and finally stood at his front door—the only space between him and his possible future a slab of wood. He breathed deeply again, then jumped when Kira pressed the doorbell again, then again, impatiently.  **  
**

He coughed loudly, alerting her to the fact that he was there and finally reached for the doorknob, turning it and opening the door, the hinges creaking as he did so.  **  
**

And then, standing on his doorstep was the last person he ever thought he would see: Rey Nemo, her face pale and eyes wide, one arm wrapped around the copy of _To Kill A Mockingbird_ he had given her a few weeks ago, and the other hand pointing at him accusingly.   **  
**

_What the fuck is going on?_ **  
**

Ben didn’t know what to say, completely and utterly speechless. How did she get his address? Was she in trouble? Why in the hell did she have that book with her?  **  
**

He did a quick once over of his street, checking to see if anyone else was there. Kira would be arriving any second and this wasn’t exactly the most ideal situation. But if Rey was in trouble, then that was his priority. He could ask questions later.  **  
**

“Rey? Is everything okay? Has something happened?” Ben spoke quickly, his words coming out much higher-pitched than he intended them to. But he couldn’t help it—the idea that Rey was struggling, that was she was in pain, it always made him panic, sent him spiralling.  **  
**

“Did you know? All this time, did you know?” Her voice was frantic, her eyes tearing up as she continued to point at him. She was shaking, cold from wearing only a thin t-shirt, her jacket clearly forgotten.  **  
**

He was thoroughly confused, unsure of what she was asking him. It was clear she thought he would know what she meant, that she believed he had done something intentionally to upset her. He racked his brains, unable to think of a single thing...minus the whole kissing thing, of course.  **  
**

“Know what? What’s going on?” He tried again, hoping that she would shed some light on the situation.  **  
**

Instead, she barged past him and walked into his house, pushing the book into his chest as she did so, as if that would explain everything—it didn’t.  **  
**

He was stunned, his head absolutely swimming, and had another look down the street before turning around and shutting the door. In a million years, Ben could never have guessed this was how his afternoon would have turned out. With Rey in his house while he waited for Kira. He still had no idea how she even got his address.  **  
**

“Don’t act like you don’t know. I was reading your book—you know, the one you so graciously gave me with that stupid speech about being a better person, being worthy—were you laughing at me the entire time?” Tears were streaming down her beautiful face, and he wanted nothing more than to walk over and wipe them away, except it was _him_ she was angry at. And it hurt.   **  
**

“I don’t,” his voice was shaky, “I don’t understand.” **  
**

She walked over to him and grabbed the book back, flicking through the pages. “Just look here, right here on the last fucking page.”  **  
**

And he did, staring down at his father’s handwriting.    


_Ben,_

_Our past mistakes do not define us, it’s what we do to make things better, to make things right, that matters. Any time you feel lost, unsure, questioning...read this and remember who you are, kid._

_Love,_

_Han Solo (your knucklehead of a father)_ **  
**

Ben’s throat tightened—he’d forgotten about the message, about how much it had meant to him, a young boy with bright ideas and an even brighter heart. His father’s words meant even more to him now, made more sense, and he tried to stop himself from crying, from breaking down in front of her.  **  
**

“It was, it was from my father—he, um, he d—” **  
**

“Died.” Rey finished for him, her gaze a little softer. “I know.” **  
**

“You know?”

“I know everything, _Ben._ As do you.”  **  
**

He looked down at the book, then back up at her and watched her take out what looked like a cell phone, she quickly typed a message, and then, not a second later, his own phone in his back pocket vibrated.  **  
**

A sinking feeling fell over him, dragging through his veins, his bones, his skin. _No_ . He pulled it out his jeans, turning it on to see Kira’s name light up the screen.   **  
**

 

_Kira_

_Our past mistakes do not define us._ **  
**

 

Ben choked, then fell to his knees, the book that was in his hand falling flat on the floor as he grasped the phone, then looked up at Rey.  **  
**

“You’re, you’re not telling me that...you’re Kira?” It was his worst nightmare and most beautiful dream all in one.  **  
**

Rey and Kira.  **  
**

Kira and Rey.  **  
**

“Yes, I am. I thought you knew...I thought, fuck I don’t know what I thought,” she whispered, her voice thick with emotion.  **  
**

She thought he had known all along, that’s what she said. His head started to thump, that’s why she was here—because she was supposed to be here—because this was the time he had arranged to meet Kira. Kira that he had feelings for, Kira that he had told his deepest, darkest feelings too, his feelings about Rey, his addiction, his father...the lines between therapist and client were now completely blurred, so many rules were broken that he didn’t know what to do, how he was going to navigate this. Any semblance of his professionalism was completely fucked.  **  
**

“You thought I knew. I had no clue, fuck–I can’t believe– _fuck_ .” He didn’t know what to say.   **  
**

“I was reading the book, trying to calm myself before meeting you...well, Ben, and then...then I saw the note from your father and it all made sense. _Everything_ finally fell into place.”  **  
**

For the first time since she arrived he looked at her, _really_ looked at her. Her hair was windswept, framing her face and falling to her shoulders. Her tear-stained cheeks had a pink blush to them and she was biting that fucking lip. The ones he fantasised about all the time. And now here she was, standing in his hallway and telling him she was the girl he had been messaging for the past few months—the girl he had gotten to know so well, the girl he was falling for and the one person in the world who knew him better than anyone. It was Rey all along, because _of course_ it was.   **  
**

Because fate, the world, the universe, really despised him _that_ much.   **  
**

“Why ‘Kira’?” was the only thing he could muster, the lightest question he could think of.  **  
**

“I liked the name,” she said simply, clearly realising what he was trying to do. “I was so mad the entire way over here. I thought you were playing with me, with my emotions…” She looked sad, resigned like she had expected him to actually do that to her.  **  
**

“Never. No matter how fucked up this,” he motioned between them both, still on his knees, “thing is, I would never, ever purposely hurt you, Rey.” **  
**

He wanted to stand, wanted to walk over and get a drink—if he had needed one earlier, then he was positively desperate for it now after that bombshell. But he couldn’t move, his knees glued to the ground as every message, every confession he had told her raced through his mind.  **  
**

He had never felt so connected to another human being in his life. At first it had scared him, but then he had started enjoying it, opening up to her more and relying on her, instead of only relying on himself. But now, now everything did make more sense. Her replies to him, information about her life that she told him over the messages—how could he not have realised it was Rey all along? Being her therapist he knew enough about her life, and internally smacked himself for not making the connection.  **  
**

And now, here he was, the once impossible situation now a complete fucking mess. There was no way of fixing this, no way of sweeping this under the carpet and moving on. There was only him and Rey, and the fact that he loved her. He loved her for _her_ , mental health and all. He loved her mind, her laugh, her advice...her lithe body.   **  
**

_Fuck._ **  
**

He wanted her, and they were alone, and he was so confused that there was a high chance he would do something really fucking stupid. A virgin, that’s what she had said. _Fuck, fuck, fuck._ **  
**

No. He was her therapist. He— _fuck._ **  
**

“I know, I just, I was so caught off guard.” Rey walked over to him, sinking down to her knees and facing him, their thighs almost touching. “I wanted it to be you.” **  
**

“What?” He couldn’t quite believe what she was saying.  **  
**

“I wanted it to be you. For Ben to be Kylo. I wanted both parts of you—I have wanted you since the moment I saw you, when I looked up from that hospital bed and you were standing there—my saviour.” **  
**

Ben gulped, his Adam’s apple bobbing in his throat at her admission. He went to speak, to reply and try to make sense of what she was saying, but instead she held her small finger up to his mouth.  **  
**

“Finn, Poe, Rose, everyone always acts like they know me, like they know my true desires, wants, needs. But they don’t. No one knows—” **  
**

“But I do,” Ben interrupted her, the words strong, full of conviction. **  
**

Rey laughed softly, her eyes bright as she replied, “I was about to say, except you. You know every part of me, the good and the bad...and I know we can’t, that we shouldn’t...but I want you.” **  
**

Ben went to tell her no—to stop whatever was about to happen because it couldn’t, he couldn’t...it would be wrong, so bad if he took this any further. But then, then Rey replaced her finger on his lips with her mouth, kissing him hard.  **  
**

And he was a goner. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, so...did you expect Rey to find out first and Ben to have absolutely no clue about what was going on? I have my reasons for him not knowing before hand, which if you want to know, I can of course explain, but it will also be addressed throughout the next few chapters. I feel like if he knew and had prepared himself for this, the outcome would have been different. 
> 
> I also couldn't NOT use the "BUT I DO" line from the trailer, which I am still not over btw. I don't think any of us are. 
> 
> I really hope you enjoyed this chapter and I would love to hear from you all about the big reveal and how you think this will play out.
> 
> Thank you everyone for your support for this story. It means the world to me <3

**Author's Note:**

> Deep breaths... 
> 
> First off, the grounding exercise is one that I recommend and will be used a lot throughout this fic. 
> 
> I am so excited to see what you all think, please leave me some kudos and comments and let me know if you want more.
> 
> Also, please find me on twitter @LEscapism and tumbler LoveofEscapism :)
> 
> Thank you xx


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